Naruto, Rise of the Pervy Sage!
by Ranmawho1
Summary: Something happened the night that Naruto became a genin- he met they Kyuubi. Because of this one event, his entire future will change... Watch as Naruto takes his prized first original technique and becomes Konoha's Pervy Sage! Not a serious story!
1. Chapter 1, I've Got What!

A/N- Well I'm back! And with a story that, while now seems (fairly) normal, will get pretty off the wall pretty soon. Believe it! Anyway, I'm sorry to everyone for disappearing for so long, but things have been pretty hectic recently.

Now! Assuming that the gorgeous, brilliant, stunningly beautiful women in my life don't kill me for dropping off the face of the planet for these past months (I've got a good excuse, I promise! And I'll explain! I love ya! *smiles sheepishly), I'll start producing regular chapters again soon. Both for this story and Rebirth of a Legend.

-Chapter 1, I've Got What?-

Naruto Uzumaki, newly minted genin of Konoha, sat on the edge of his bed, looking down at his hands. Earlier that night, He had heard the truth- The horrible, horrible truth... And oddly, he felt better for it. At last, he knew the reason for all of the glares, for all of the harshly whispered insults, all of those years of loneliness...

It was because of Mizuki-teme, and later, old man Hokage, that he learned the truth- Sealed inside of Naruto was the nine-tailed demon fox, Kyuubi no Kitsune.

(Two hours earlier, office of the Hokage)

Naruto stood, fidgeting uneasily in front of the Hokage, who was standing before the boy, looking down at him with contemplating eyes as he puffed on his pipe. "Jiji-" Naruto started, only to be hushed as Sarutobi held up a hand to silence him, still looking at him with that unreadable expression.

Finally, when Naruto thought he couldn't take any more of the silence, Sarutobi closed his eyes and let out a long sigh, blowing a cloud of tobacco smoke as he did so. "Naruto..." He started. "What you did tonight was very, VERY foolish. That scroll that you took contains many forbidden and deadly jutsu, which, if they were ever to fall in the wrong hands, could bring untold catastrophe."

"Hey-!" Naruto started to interrupt, only to be stopped once again as Sarutobi raised his hand.

"-But-" The old man continued, taking a long pull on his pipe. "You only did what you were ordered by your teacher and superior, so I cannot blame you, and I will not hold it against you. None of us suspected Mizuki to be a traitor. However, when you did find out, both you and Iruka did your upmost to stop him and protect both yourselves and the scroll. You did very well, and displayed that you have what it takes to be a ninja of our village. Thereby, I shall support Iruka's decision to pass you." He said, a smirk creeping onto his face.

Naruto's eyes widened a bit at that proclamation. "Really? Thanks jiji, you're the greatest!" He exclaimed, nearly jumping in his excitement.

Sarutobi chuckled at that. "No, Naruto, I am the one who should be thanking you." He replied.

Naruto stopped at that, tilting his head to the side in confusion. "Really? How come?" He asked, curious.

Sarutobi's smirk grew. "Not only did you manage to root out a traitor, even if unwittingly, you also showed that the ninja who were on duty guarding this tower, which houses many important secrets pertaining to the security of this village, have been lax. After all, if they weren't able to spot a lone genin in bright orange-" Naruto pouted at that "-however skilled you may be, then what's to say they would notice if an enemy infiltration specialist jonin from breaking in and wreaking havoc on our village's security? No, the guards won't be happy, but they WILL learn to take their posts seriously. Good work, Naruto." He complimented.

Naruto grinned at the praise. "Thanks old man! At this rate I'll have your hat yet!" He jeered jokingly.

Sarutobi snorted in amusement, blowing another plume of fragrant tobacco smoke before his features took on a more serious demeanor. "There is something even more important that we need to take care of Naruto. Please, take a seat." he gestured towards a low table where a servant had discreetly set out a tray of tea and some small cakes. Taking a seat, Sarutobi poured himself a cup.

"Huh? What is it?" Naruto asked, taking a seat across from the old man and grabbing one of the cakes, which he studied, sniffed once, then took a bite of.

Sarutobi sighed, looking down into his cup. "It's about what Mizuki told you... About the Kyuubi." He answered, his gaze cutting back up to Naruto, who stopped stuffing his face in favor of giving the old man a shocked look.

"Suh-So, it really is true? It's really true? The 4th Hokage couldn't kill the demon... So he put it in me?" Naruto gulped, his eyes widening considerably. "Ah-Am... Am I..."

"You are not the Kyuubi, so get that ridiculous thought out of your head!" Sarutobi snapped, though not unkindly. "It is true that the hero of Konoha, Lord Hokage the 4th, was unable to kill the Kyuubi on that night twelve years ago. What he did instead, was choose a newborn infant, because nothing else would be able to hold the power of the mighty beast, and used the most powerful sealing technique ever created to imprison the beast within, with you as it's sole jailor, Naruto, and as long as you remain strong, you keep our village, even our very world safe from it's evil." He answered gravely.

Despite the gravity of the situation, Naruto couldn't help but feel a little better. "Heh, thanks old man." he said gratefully. "Sooo... What did you think about my first original technique, Sexy Jutsu?" He asked slyly, hoping to lighten the mood.

Sarutobi chuckled in amusement. "That technique... It's the most low-brow kind of trash, completely unsuited for any serious situation..." He trailed off, seeing Naruto's face fall a little. "...And it is completely brilliant- It took even me by surprise. Good job." he finished with a praise.

Naruto perked up, beaming at Sarutobi. "Awesome! Hey, you know that I also learned Shadow Clone in no time at all, right?" He asked suggestively.

"Yes?" Sarutobi asked, wondering where Naruto was going with all of this.

Naruto's grin grew even wider. "Then can I please, PLEASE have another look at the scroll of forbidden jutsu?" He pleaded, giving Sarutobi his best puppy-eyes.

"DENIED!" The old man barked out, karate-chopping Naruto's head.

(Present time)

And so here Naruto was, two hours later- laying on his bed, his mind awhirl with everything that had happened. Finally, Naruto stood up and walked over to the sole body-length mirror in his apartment, taking off his shirt as he stared at himself, looking into his reflection's crystal blue eyes before they drifted lower towards his stomach. Concentrating, Naruto generated enough chakra for the seal to appear. "I've always wondered what you were." Naruto remarked quietly, rubbing the seal with one hand. "And now I know... Kyuubi... And I'm your prison." With a sigh, Naruto walked back to his bed, grabbing his nightcap and pulling it on before flicking the lights off and laying down. One hand draped across his stomach, where the seal was still visible.

* * *

><p>Cold water surrounded him, causing Naruto to sit up suddenly, his eyes going wide as he let out a little shriek, having been taken completely by surprise by the water that now soaked his legs and back. Taking in his surroundings, Naruto saw that he was standing inside of a large stone chamber, ankle-deep water lapping over his feet."Wh-Where am I?" He yelled, his voice echoing in the dimly lit chamber.<p>

_**"So, the little monkey finally decides to 'grace' me with his almighty presence."**_

A cold chill ran down Naruto's back upon hearing such a rumbling, ominous voice. Whirling around, he came face to face with a monstrously large, intricately crafted cage, with a slip of paper with the kanji for 'Seal' placed on the front of it. And, directly behind those bars was a titanic shadowy figure, two eyes, as red as hellfire, glowing in the darkness as they glared at him. There could only be one answer-

"You're the Kyuubi-no-Kitsune." Naruto said solemnly, looking up in awe at the powerful figure before him.

The great demon smirked, lowering itself down closer to Naruto, who was finally able to make out it's monstrous features. _**"Well-well, looks like you aren't completely moronic after all."**_ It snorted condescendingly. "_**What do you want, little monkey?"**_

Naruto blinked at that. "Hey, I don't want anything! I don't even know how I got here!" He yelled back at the beast.

This caused the Kyuubi to bellow laughter. _**"You don't even know how you got here? You are totally inept! Stupid, pitiful mortal! I would feel sorry for you, if your kind didn't make for such tasty snacks!"**_ It continued, laughing even harder.

Naruto went red faced with indignation over that."WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CALLING ME USELESS AND A SNACK HUH? YOU OVERGROWN THROW-RUG!" He yelled angrily.

Kyuubi snorted, still chuckling._** "I am the almighty Kyuubi, you insignificant little flea, and there's not a damned thing you can do about it."**_ It jeered, leaning closer.

Naruto harrumphed, crossing his arms, before a thought crossed his mind, and a wicked grin split his face. "Oh yeah?" he leered back. "I can do this!" He whirled around, dropping his pants and bending over slightly, mooning the Kyuubi. "How's this for doin' something, ya big stupid fox? Kiss my ass fuzz-ball!" he shouted gleefully, smacking his butt a few times to accentuate his point.

_**"YOU STUPID LITTLE SHIT! I'LL KILL YOU!"**_ The Kyuubi roared angrily, slamming impotently into his cage over and over.

Looking to the side, Naruto spotted a doorway "Hah-hah! You can't do anything about it!" He laughed, pulling up his pants and flipping the Kyuubi the bird as he ran out the door, back to the real world.

The Kyuubi watched him go through narrowed eyes. _**"Just you wait, human. I'll pay you back for that humiliation one hundred fold!"**_ It rumbled, chuckling ominously as it faded back into the darkness.

* * *

><p>Naruto snapped bolt-upright in his bed, gasping deeply as he grabbed his chest, panting lightly. "So, that was the Kyuubi... What an annoying jerk." he grouched, flopping back down on his pillow. Laying there for several minutes, staring at the ceiling, Naruto finally let out an annoyed grunt, sitting back up. "Aw man! There's no way I can get back to sleep after something like that!" He complained, getting to his feet. Looking out of his window, Naruto gazed at Konoha, which shimmered beautifully under the light of the full moon, completely at peace, at least for the moment.<p>

Moments later found Naruto strolling along at an easy pace through the moon-washed streets of the village proper, hands stuffed deep in his pockets as he listened to the sounds of the night life- crickets chirping, bull-frogs bellowing their croaks, a nightingale twittering it's nocturnal song, bottles clanking together... Yes, the night was truly one of Naruto's favorite times- No one was around to give him those cold looks-

-Wait, what had that last sound been?

There it was again! Looking in the direction that he heard the sound from, Naruto spotted none other than Kiba Inuzuka, a kid from his class, emerge from an alley-way- his puppy Akamaru on top of his head, holding two brown bottles in each of his hands, and a shit-eating grin on his face. What in the heck was he doing? Curious, Naruto trotted towards his classmate. "Hey Kiba! What's up?" he called out, waving.

Kiba, for his part, looked up from his pilfered prize, surprised. "Naruto? What're you doing out this late?" He asked.

Naruto shrugged. "I couldn't sleep, so I decided to take a walk." He replied easily. "What about you man? Why are you sneaking around like that?"

Kiba grinned slyly. "I'm celebrating becoming a genin!" He exclaimed proudly. "Hey though, I'm sorry ya didn't pass man, that's a real shame." He continued consolingly.

Naruto himself grinned at that. "Wrong about that one! I got promoted anyway!" He showed off the headband that Iruka had given him.

Kiba gawked at that. "Really? How'd you manage that? Surely they didn't let you take the test again?" he asked, a suspicious tone in his voice.

Naruto shook his head, crossing his arms in an x motion. "No way! Mizuki-teme tried to steal something important to the village and run off, and I helped catch him, so both Iruka-sensei and Hokage-jiji let me pass!" He bragged proudly.

Kiba's eyes widened at that. "Really? Mizuki-sensei tried to abandon the village?" He asked, flabbergasted- to an Inuzuka, betrayal like that was unthinkable! Unforgivable!

Naruto nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "Yeah, I was surprised too! But that bastard even went as far as to try and kill me and Iruka-sensei! But we were able to stop him, so it's all good, and I'm a genin now!"

Kiba grinned. "Well, congratulations man! Why don't'cha come and celebrate with me and Akamaru? I got beer!" He exclaimed, holding up the bottles in his hands.

Naruto's eyes widened comically at that. "You got beer? Really?"

Kiba's grin grew wider. "Yep! I swiped it from my mom's cabinet!"

"Cool! Ummm... What's beer?"

The Inuzuka almost face-faulted at that, sweat-dropping. "Whadda ya mean, 'what's beer?'? Beer is beer, stupid!" he yelled indignantly, waving the bottles around for emphasis.

Naruto nodded, squinting foxily. "Yeah, I got that, but what is it?"

Kiba's sweat-drop grew a bit. "It's... huh, y'know, That's a pretty good question..." He muttered, earning a sweat-drop and a deadpan from Naruto. "But, uh... Mom is always drinking it whenever she complains about a hard day, or if she's celebrating something!" he huffed, trying to defend himself.

Naruto shrugged. "Eh, works for me." He replied, taking an offered bottle while Akamaru jumped off of Kiba's head and began to run around the two, yipping excitedly.

Kiba grinned as he and Naruto crouched down close together, clinking their bottles together. "To becoming real ninja!" He cheered, clapping Naruto on the back, who grinned.

As one, the two ninja wannabe popped the caps off of their drinks, taking a deep sniff. "Oh Kami, that smells pretty rank!" Naruto groused, his nose wrinkling in faint disgust.

"Yeah..." Kiba agreed. "But hey, maybe it tastes good?" He wondered hopefully. Gulping, the two boys nodded to each other once, and began to raise the bottles, when Kiba noticed Akamaru backing away, whimpering as he cowered. "Hey boy, what's the matter?" He asked.

"So, you little brat, you wanna steal MY beer?"

An ominous shadow fell over the boys as the gruff female voice froze them to their spots. "Oh-" Kiba started.

"-Shit..." Naruto finished for him as they both slowly turned their heads, seeing a towering, ominous figure, silhouetted against the moonlight, wild untamed hair blowing out in the wind.

"MOMMY!" Kiba screeched shrilly, trying to bolt- only to have his mother, Tsume, a feral-looking woman who radiated a savage beauty, reach out and grab him by his head, forcing him back in place. "Oh Kami, oh shit, oh we're so dead!" He whimpered, which increased as his mother grinned evilly.

Naruto looked up at Kiba's mother with no small amount of awe- Her bearing commanded nothing short of total respect and fear. "Ummm... Yeah, it looks like your in pretty big trouble man!" He laughed nervously.

Tsume's glare switched to Naruto, who flinched. "That so?" She asked coldly.

Those eyes- Naruto flinched back, she was glaring at him... Everyone was always glaring at him! "Uh, yeah! Later Kiba!" He replied defiantly while looking at Tsume, plastering a fake grin on as he turned around, raising one hand to wave dismissively.

A firm hand clamped down on Naruto's skull, causing him to yelp in surprise as his head was forcefully turned until her was facing a ferally grinning Tsume, Kiba still whimpering in the grip of her other hand. "Um, can I help you?" He asked uneasily.

Tsume's grin widened. "You think you're gonna get away that easily brat? Kiba wasn't the only one to try and sneak some beer there after all!" She shot.

Naruto snorted derisively, in spite of the chill crawling up his spine. "You can't do notin' to me old lady! I ain't your kid! I ain't nobody's kid, I make my own decisions!" He exclaimed.

Tsume snorted her amusement. "You may be an orphan, but your still a baby-faced brat. It's up to the adults to teach you brats proper manners, and right now, that's my job! Now take your punishment like a man! You obviously think you can drink like one!" She barked, dragging Naruto and Kiba towards the clan compound by their hair.

"GAH! Somebody, HELP!" Naruto screamed shrilly, Kiba crying in agreement while Akamaru followed quietly behind, afraid to make a sound.

Tsume laughed as she pulled the two along. "Quit cryin' kids! This is tough love!"

* * *

><p>Naruto and Kiba sat on the floor of an empty storehouse, huddled together with their backs to the door, and sub-consequently their guard, who was leaning against the doorframe, smirking. "Psst, kiba! You got any idea of how to get out of here?" Naruto whispered to his fellow prisoner.<p>

"No way man! Do you know what my mom will do to us if we try to make an escape! We'll get our asses kicked!" Kiba whispered back harshly. "Besides, there's no way we're getting out through that door! My sister will mop the floor with us if we try!"

Naruto looked over his shoulder at their guard, Hana Inuzuka- A young woman in her late teens that looked almost as dangerous as, and even more beautiful than her mother, as well as the three dogs that lay at her feet. "Feh, you don't look so tough." Naruto spat, putting on a tough front.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Kiba whispered loudly, looking at naruto with wide, fearful eyes.

"Quiet Kiba!" Hana barked, grinning ferally as she pushed off of the doorframe and walked towards the pair, stopping in front of the still-crouching Naruto, bending over at the waist until she was face to face with the whiskered blonde, only a few inches from him, her grin still in place. "So, you think your tough shit, huh?" she asked.

Naruto grinned, squinting. "I beat Mizuki-teme, didn't I? I bet I can take you and your puppies just as easily!" He boasted.

Hana snorted in amusement. "Yeah, I heard about that kid. I've gotta say, for a little baby still in diapers like yourself, that's damn impressive- Something to be proud of even! But, I'll let you in on a little secret..." She trailed off.

"What's that?" Naruto asked, while Kiba, who was sitting there slack-jawed, kept twisting his head back and forth, like he was watching some sort of demented tennis match.

Hana's smirk grew into a full-blown grin. "Mizuki, while older than me, was an educator, a pencil-pushing babysitter, nothing more. I, on the other hand, am a battle-hardened, tried and true, tough as nails bitch. I'm used to fighting the baddest of the bad kid, and I'd tear you apart in no time flat in a real fight." she sneered while her dogs circled the two, growling menacingly.

"Heh, bring it on then! It's not like I've got anything better to do!" Naruto thrust back, his grin never leaving his face.

Hana leaned even closer, her forehead brushing against Naruto's... And then she burst out laughing, straightening up as she ruffled a confused Naruto's hair. "Damn kid, you've got some big ones on ya, don't'cha? It's good to see your not a pushover, you'll need it if you're gonna survive this ninja world of ours." she chuckled.

Naruto smirked. "Thanks." He replied.

If possible, Kiba's jaw fell open even further as his eyes bugged out. "Wh-What just happened? I thought you guys were gonna try and kill each other!" He yelled, confused.

Hana laughed. "Nah, I was just busting balls there Kiba, seeing if your friend would fold under the pressure, but he held up like a champ. You've got a good friend there, and I hope the two of you get placed on a team together, you make a good pack." She replied, glancing at Naruto. "Huh, if only you were about three years older..." She trailed off, sighing dramatically.

Naruto blushed heavily, but grinned all the same. "Heh, I bet I could knock your socks off there too!" He said, scratching the back of his head.

Hana raised an eyebrow at that, was that a challenge?

"Ok, quit flirting you two." Tsume cracked, opening the door to the storehouse, causing Naruto's blush to grow even more, and Hana to snort in amusement.

"Suh-So, I guh-guess it's time fuh-for our punishment?" Kiba stammered, gulping.

Tsume nodded. "Yeah, at first I thought about just blistering your asses until neither of you could sit down for a week, but since you are getting your personnel files and team assignments tomorrow, I thought of a better punishment." She smirked.

"Oh yeah, so what are you gonna do to us old lady?" Naruto huffed.

"I'M NOT OLD DAMMIT! I'M ONLY THIRTY-SIX!" Tsume roared, appearing in front of Naruto and bopping him on the head with a fist, her left eye twitching. "Anyway-" She cleared her throat, regaining her composure while Naruto cradled his throbbing head, cussing. "I've decided that if you two think your old enough to drink like men, than that's exactly what your gonna do!" She said, giving the boys a thumbs-up while winking.

"Wha?" They asked in unison, confused.

In response, another member of the Inuzuka clan brought in a case of beer, setting it at Tsume's feet before nodding and leaving back out the door. "The two of you are going to drink all of these, twelve beers apiece." Tsume smirked, nudging the case with her foot.

Kiba and Naruto looked at each other and grinned- This was gonna be easy! Not even a punishment! ... Right?

* * *

><p>Naruto and Kiba both looked like they were on their last legs, about to hurl- and with only five empty cans between them, each one holding the latest one they were nursing. "I don't wanna do this anymore!" Kiba wailed drunkenly, swaying unsteadily on his feet.<p>

Naruto nodded in agreement, too scared to even say anything, one hand pressed over his mouth, ready to hurl at any second.

"Too bad! This is what you wanted, so this is what you got!" Tsume cackled, cracking a whip over the boy's heads, making them jump at the sudden snap, quickly chugging their beers in response.

"Hey, did you put you know what in those?" Hana whispered, sliding up behind her mother.

Tsume grinned maniacally. "Yep, that's why they're so smashed! That stuff will leave the two of 'em feeling nauseated, and it'll knock the haze out of them in time to go get their dossiers done. They're still gonna have one hell of a hangover for their team meetings though!" She chuckled.

Hana laughed as well. "I can still remember when you did this with me, it was rough." She smiled, despite the memory.

Tsume nodded, and was about to say something, when Naruto drunkenly staggered over, standing in front of her on unsteady feet as he looked up at her with bleary, blood-shot eyes. "You want something kid?" She asked.

In response, Naruto threw himself into the older woman, wrapping his arms around her waist as he buried his face in her stomach. "Wha-?" tsume started, feeling a wetness spread where Naruto's face was.

"Th-thank you... I've... I've never huh-had a parent to skuh-scold me before... or treat me like a ruh-real kid..." Naruto mumbled, his sobs muffled.

Kiba, in a haze, stumbled over as well, throwing himself into Tsume also. "Momma! Don't ever leave!" He bawled drunkenly.

Tsume twitched once, then sighed, dropping her whip and ruffling both boy's hair, hugging them close as she did so. "Alright, you stupid brats, you don't have to drink anymore, you've served your punishment. You can rest now." She said, smiling faintly.

Kiba and Naruto could only mumble their thanks, already out of it. "Heh, need some help mom? Hana asked, walking over to pick up one of the preteens.

Tsume nodded her thanks, and was about to grab Kiba, when both boys let go of her unexpectedly. "Huh-?" She started-

"BLEH!"

-Only for Naruto to fall to his hands and knees, throwing up everywhere.

Kiba pointed at Naruto laughing. "hah hah! Youuuu threw up na- naru... BLEH!" Kiba then promptly did the same thing before he fell face-first into his vomit, snoring loudly.

"OH DAMMIT! YOU BRATS ARE CLEANING THAT UP TOMORROW!" Tsume's roar echoed throughout Konoha.

* * *

><p>The next morning found Naruto and Kiba stumbling towards the meeting spot with the photographer for their dossier pictures, looking like a pair of zombies as they staggered on, a worried Akamaru trotting alongside Kiba while a smirking Tsume and severe looking Kuromaru following behind at an easy pace.<p>

"Aww man, do we have'ta do this right now?" Naruto groaned, stumbling over his own feet as they went.

"Shut up Naruto, don't be so loud!"Kiba snapped irritably, holding his hands over his ears.

"Take your own advice why don't'cha?" Naruto ground out, clutching at his own head. "Dammit, why does my head hurt so much?"

Tsume's smirk grew. "It's called a hangover kid, and it's one of the many fun little perks that come with getting drunk. Now then, whose up for some nice breakfast?" She teased.

Kiba paled at that, even as his cheeks took on a green hue. "Please no..." He whimpered while Naruto covered his mouth in agreement, looking sick as well.

Tsume threw her head back, laughing. "Fine, fine." She chuckled as they reached the photography shop, where an old man stood outside, tapping his foot impatiently, a grumpy look on his face. "Hey there old man! I've got the brats here for their i.d. pictures!" She called out, waving to him.

The old man cut a sour eye at Naruto and Kiba. "You brats are late! Is this the kind of impression you want to give as future shinobi of the leaf?" He grouched.

Tsume chuckled at that. "Sorry, it was partially my fault they were late." She spoke up in defense of the boys.

"Whatever. Shall we get through with this already?" the old man asked.

"Psst, Kiba, I've got an idea!" Naruto whispered to his partner in crime behind Tsume's back.

"Huh, what's that?" Kiba whispered back. In response, Naruto grinned and whipped out a kabuki make-up kit, causing Kiba's eyes to widen in realization before he grinned, nodding.

"Sure, if you set up the camera, I'll make sure the boys are ready." Tsume agreed, turning around, only to stop, gob-smacked, as she caught Naruto and Kiba in the middle of painting themselves up. "Wh-what the hell do you two brats think you're doing?" She screeched.

"Uhhh... getting ready for our pictures?" Naruto asked, a sheepish look on his face as Kiba gulped, nodding in agreement.

"OH HELL NO!" Tsume snarled, whipping a handkerchief out of one of her pockets and spitting on it before advancing on the two cowering soon-to-be ninja. "You are NOT embarrassing yourselves and our village like that! You WILL be presentable!" With that, she pounced on Kiba and Naruto, her handkerchief leading the way as the two boys screamed shrilly.

In the background, the old man sighed and shook his head before going about and setting up his camera.

* * *

><p>Sarutobi sat behind his desk in the mission assignments office, looking over the two dossiers in his hands, then up to Naruto and Kiba, who were sitting in front of him, then back down to the dossiers before handing them to his assistant. "I must say, good job boys. Everything is in order, and your pictures look good, though you look a bit frightened. Nervous about becoming shinobi?" he asked kindly.<p>

Naruto shook his head quickly. "No way old man! I ain't scared of becoming a ninja!" He protested loudly.

Kiba nodded. "Heck yeah! Naruto's right Hokage-sama, we're gonna be two of the best ninja you've ever seen, especially me!" He boasted proudly.

Sarutobi chuckled at that. "Oh, I've no doubt. But then why did you look nervous in your pictures?" He asked, curious.

Tsume, who was leaning up against a nearby wall smirked. "Oh, I might be able to answer that question Hokage-sama. Those two needed to be kept in line, so I made sure that they only did what was needed." She spoke up.

Sarutobi blinked at that, mildly surprised. "Oh, well then thank you Tsume-san. It's nice to see the next generation getting help, even on the small things." He praised.

"Hey-" Naruto started, only to be interrupted as a small blur burst into the room through one of the doors... before it fell, rolling to a stop right in front of Naruto, revealing itself to be a young boy, no older than eight or nine, clutching his head with one hand. "Hey, you alive kid?" Naruto asked, while Kiba poked at him with a stick.

_'Oh no... Konohamaru'_ Sarutobi thought, sighing internally- This was going to be a mess.

At that moment, a tall, lanky man dressed in all black and wearing a small pair of sunglasses burst in, looking around frantically. "Young master! Are you alright?" He yelled out, seeing Konohamaru laying there.

"Owww..." The kid groaned, getting up. "What the heck happened?" He asked dazedly, looking around before his eyes locked onto Naruto. "Hey! You tripped me!" He yelled accusingly, pointing at Naruto.

"What did you just say you brat?" Naruto yelled, picking Konohamaru up by his scarf and lifting him into the air. "You tripped over your own two feet you brat! Maybe you should watch where you are going rather than blaming people for your own mistakes! Now apologize before I have ta hit ya!" He snarled.

"Put the young master down! What do you think you are doing you ungraceful brute! Don't you know who that child is? He is the grandson of our venerated Lord Third Hokage!" The tall lanky jonin, named Ebisu, yelled angrily.

Naruto looked up at the man surprised, then at Sarutobi, who nodded, and then back down to Konohamaru. "Really?" He asked, curious.

"Yeah! So you better do what your told!" Konohamaru snarked, sticking his tongue out at Naruto.

"Like I care!" Naruto yelled, letting go of Konohamaru as he bopped him hard with his other fist, knocking him back down to the ground.

"HAH! Man, that was harsh Naruto!" Kiba laughed.

"Whatever! That brat needs to learn his lesson!" Naruto huffed dusting his hands off as He and Kiba walked towards the exit. "By the way Kiba-" Naruto started, a curious look coming over his face.

"What's up man?" Kiba asked.

"Where'd you get that stick you were poking the brat with from?"

Tsume chuckled as the two exited, Konohamaru following behind. "Well, I'll see you around Hokage-sama." She said with a wave, leaving as well.

"Hmmm... looks like things might get interesting soon." The Hokage mused to himself, watching with a small amount of amusement as Ebisu searched high and low for Konohamaru.

* * *

><p>Outside, Tsume walked over to Naruto and Kiba, who was picking up Akamaru, the small pup having waited outside with Kuromaru "I've gotta say Naruto, that was pretty ballsy. Not many people would have done what was right back there, instead falling over themselves to kiss up to the Hokage by pampering his grandson." She praised.<p>

Naruto grinned. "Thanks Tsume-san. Heh, old man jiji probably got a kick out of it as well- Not that he could've done anything anyway, I'd just kick his butt again like I did last night!"

Tsume raised a questioning eyebrow while Kiba's mouth fell open. "No way, you are lying! No one can beat the Hokage!" He exclaimed in disbelief.

"You better believe it! I beat him with a single jutsu!" Naruto boasted.

Tsume whistled. "So that's what happened to the Hokage early last night? You used a single jutsu to beat him? Very impressive. Not many people can claim to have a jutsu that strong." She praised, causing Naruto to blush as he scratched the back of his head and grinned.

Kiba's mouth dropped open even wider as he looked up at his mom. 'Really? Naruto really managed to take down old man Hokage? Beating Mizuki-sensei is one thing, but this is the Hokage we're talking about!" He yelled, waving his arms around.

Tsume grinned, patting her son on the head. "Then you better start getting stronger if you want to keep up then, won't you?" She asked, smirking evilly. "Anyway, we need to get back to the clan compound. Take care Naruto." She said, waving to the young blond.

"You too! It was great meeting you!" Naruto replied eagerly, waving back at Tsume and Kiba, who were walking off. When they disappeared around the corner of a building, Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Alright kid, you can come out now. Whadda ya want anyway? I've got a killer headache!" He complained.

Just behind Naruto, a disguise cloth dropped, revealing Konohamaru. "I want you to teach me that jutsu you beat my grandpa with!" he demanded, pointing at Naruto.

Naruto turned his head to look at the brat, squinting. "Why should I?" He asked.

Konohamaru drew himself up, taking a deep breath. "Well-"

* * *

><p>Four hours later found Naruto and Konohamaru sitting on a log in a lightly wooded area beside some vending machines, Konohamaru having gotten a soda and Naruto having gotten a bottle of cold milk. "Hey Kona, I'm wondering something..." Naruto started, looking down at his bottle of milk.<p>

"Yeah boss?" Konohamaru asked, looking at Naruto curiously before taking a sip of his cola.

Naruto looked at the vending machines. "What the heck are a couple of vending machines doing sitting out here in the middle of the woods like this? It seems weird to me."

Konohamaru shrugged. "Beats me boss. Convenience maybe?"

Naruto snorted, turning away from the machines. "Eh, who knows." He finally let it go, slipping his milk into a pocket on his jacket. "Anyway Kona, now that you know the sexy jutsu, your sure to beat the old man in no time! There's just one thing you need to remember." He stood up, grinning down at Konohamaru.

"What's that?" Konohamaru asked, looking up at Naruto in wonder.

Before Naruto could answer, Ebisu dropped into the clearing, standing up. "Honorable grandson! What are you doing with that disreputable trash there?" He demanded. "You should be studying! The fastest way to becoming Hokage is under my tutelage!" He boasted, crossing his arms. "Listen to me Honored Grandson, your grandfather is a shinobi revered for learning all the greatest jutsu our village has to offer, I doubt you could learn anything useful from this trashy wannabe shinobi."

Naruto scowled at the look in Ebisu's eyes even as Konohamaru leapt to his defense. "Shows what you know! Boss is awesome! He even taught me the Sexy Jutsu to beat grandpa with, so take this!" He yelled, transforming into a beautiful, naked brunette that juggled in all the right places, small wisps of clouds barely concealing her naughty bits.

"Wh-wh-what filth is this? Unfit for the grandson of our celebrated leader!" Ebisu yelled, blushing heavily as a small drop of blood threatened to escape from his nose.

"Aww man!" Konohamaru complained, transforming back. "It didn't work boss." He pouted, looking up to Naruto.

Naruto stepped up, placing a hand on Konohamaru's shoulder. "Don't worry about it Kona, I've got this one." He said with an easy grin, sliding the young boy behind him before making a familiar hand sign. Kage bushin!" He called out, a line of Naruto's appearing beside him in a billowing cloud of smoke.

Ebisu smirked as he crouched slightly and crossed his hands in front of himself. "I will admit, having the ability to make that many clones at your age is astoundingly impressive, but I'm not some cut-rank chunin like Mizuki was, I'm an elite jonin, so don't expect those same tactics to work on me." he declared.

Naruto grinned as his clones surrounded Ebisu. "Oh yeah? Well, what about this then? Harem technique!" He yelled out, his clones all transforming into sexy blonde bombshells, all of whom which latched onto Ebisu, causing the man to pause in shock..

"Wha-wha-wha-" He stammered, a fountain of blood getting ready to erupt from his nose.

"Now to finish it!" Naruto yelled, running up to the stunned man before dropping to the ground in front of him in a split. "JOHNNY CAGE, BITCH!" Naruto yelled, pulling back his right fist, then cold-clocking Ebisu right in the bells.

Ebisu's face drained of all color. "Uuuu**AHHHH**!" The man screamed shrilly, clutching at his battered dangly bits as he fell onto his side and curled into a fetal position

In the Hokage tower, Sarutobi, who had been watching through his viewing ball, smacked his hand over his eyes, even as he winced in sympathy for the hurt man. "To combine Kage Bushin with his own original technique, then to use a taijutsu move like that-" He shuddered "-No man could survive such a horrible combination technique. I have a feeling that I'm going to have to put it into the forbidden scroll and ban it before long." He groaned.

"And that's how you do it!" Naruto exclaimed, giving Konohamaru a thumbs-up.

"Whoa! That was so awesome boss!" The young boy exclaimed, star-struck.

Naruto laughed, patting Konohamaru on the head. "Just remember that there are no short-cuts on the path of life brat. Remember that, and to be as good as you can, and I'm sure that you'll grow up to be a great man, someone who I'll be proud to call Hokage... When I pass that hat off to you that is!" He exclaimed, walking away.

Konohamaru grinned, facing Naruto's retreating form. "Oh yeah? I'll show you! I'll become Hokage before you, and be the greatest Hokage ever!" He yelled.

In response, Naruto raised his hand and gave Konohamaru a thumbs-up, heading towards the next step in his destiny, the team assignments.

* * *

><p>Naruto entered the classroom, and, seeing an open seat in the same row as Sasuke Uchiha, moved to take it, when Kiba spotted him. "Hey Naruto, up here man!" The young ninja yelled, waving.<p>

"Hey Kiba, didn't Naruto fail?" Shikamaru Nara, who was sitting beside Kiba with his friend Chouji Akamichi, asked, hoping the answer wasn't too troublesome.

Kiba grinned as Naruto made his way towards them. "He failed the test yeah, but after everyone else went home, Mizuki-sensei approached him, claiming that there was a secret make-up test that he could take, but it turned out to be a trick, and Mizuki-sensei just wanted Naruto to steal an important scroll from the Hokage Tower for him before he tried to defect! But Iruka-sensei and Naruto managed to stop him, so Naruto was allowed to pass! Crazy, huh?"

Shikamaru snorted. "Yeah, just one problem there Kiba- Not only is the Hokage tower guarded at all times by both chunin and jonin, but the Hokage himself is said to practically live there, and there's no way Naruto of all people would be able to get past him, even if he did get past the guards." He replied, voicing his disbelief, Chouji nodding in agreement while he munched on some chips.

"Heh, but that's where you're wrong Shikamaru! I beat old man jiji in a single attack!" Naruto exclaimed, taking the seat on Kiba's other side.

"There's no way. You couldn't possibly be strong enough." Shikamaru replied lazily.

"I'm here ain't I?" Naruto asked, pointing at his hitai-ate.

That effectively shut the young genius up.

At that moment, Sakura and Ino burst into the classroom, fighting to get into the seat that was right beside Sasuke. "Man, why can't Sakura like me like that?" Naruto whined, resting his chin on the desk as he watched his crush punch her rival in the face, only to get a leg-sweep in return.

"Man, they're being pretty rough today!" Kiba laughed. "Hey, why do ya like her anyway Naruto? Sakura treats you like crap man. Surely you realize that there ARE other girls in this class, right?" He asked.

Naruto sighed. "Yeah, but... It's just complicated, alright?" Sitting up again, he took out the bottle of milk he'd bought earlier and popped the cap, attempting to stall where the conversation was heading. "Bottoms up!" he exclaimed, turning the bottle up and started chugging the milk

Deep in the bowels of Naruto's chakra network, a pare of hateful red eyes popped open. **_'Here it is!'_** Kyuubi thought evilly, slipping an almost insignificantly small amount of chakra past the cage and into Naruto's throat, curdling the milk with it's demonic essence.

"Ok class, calm down!" Iruka called out, looking up at Naruto, who just set down an empty bottle... then screeched shrilly and stood up, grabbing his rear. "Naruto...?" Iruka started, almost afraid to ask.

"OH SHIT! KAMI I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO CRAP MYSELF!" Naruto screamed, running out of the classroom as fast as he could with a stiff gait.

_**"REVENGE!"**_ Kyuubi bellowed in his mind, cackling madly.

"... Right... Well, let's get on with the team assignments, shall we?" Iruka asked, sweat-dropping along with the class.

-TBC-

A/N- Well, here it is folks! If you like it and want to review, then please feel freee to. If you don't want to, then don't. Simple as that. I ain't gonna beg for reviews.


	2. Chapter 2, The Greatest Student Ever!

A/N– Whoa! The response to the first chapter was overwhelming! So much so in fact, that comparing the overall ratios between Naruto, Rise of the Pervy Sage! And my other stories, it is my single most popular story so far!

^^ And to all of you who reviewed, I just wanted to say thank you. I know I said I'm not gonna beg for reviews, and that's still true, but reading that people like this story made me feel good all the same.

Now, I feel like I should warn everyone reading this right now- the way that I'm going to be portraying Naruto is different from other stories that follow a similar vein. In short, Naruto in my story is going to actually be a pervert- Not the all around awesome guy that everyone loves and all the ladies love to throw themselves at because he's a fine, upstanding example of what a hero should be. Now, I'm not saying that anything is wrong with those kinds of stories, I just think that they're inappropriately labeled. Now, if I did have to hazard a label for those kinds, it'd be more along the lines of Pornstar!Naruto, or SuperStud!Naruto, but not Pervy!Naruto, because he's not usually portrayed as acting in a perverted manner

Anyway, I obviously don't own Naruto, it belongs to Kishimoto, and the companies that publish it.

-Chapter 2,-

-The Greatest Student Ever!-

"Oh Kami, I feel SOOO much better!" Naruto breathed a sigh of relief, sitting on one of the toilets in the academy bathroom, trickles of sweat rolling down his face after the intense, two hour brown bomb assault he'd just gone through- It'd been so bad that he'd had to flush three times! "Oh man does it stink though!" He complained, waving his hand in front of his face. Reaching for the toilet paper, Naruto cocked his head to the sign, reading the rules posted there. "No more than three squares? To hell with that! I need me some real ass-wipin' paper dammit!" He declared, ready to rip out as much as he wanted.

"Pssst, hey kid."

The voice caught Naruto completely by surprise as he let out a little screech of fright, looking up even as he covered himself as best he could, spotting someone looking in over the stall door, wearing an oxygen mask and a pair of goggles. "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing ya' freak!" Naruto yelled, pointing.

"Obey the rules kid, they're there for a reason." With that, the ninja sunk back down, out of sight.

"Oh man, what a sicko!" Naruto shuddered, wiping himself with exactly three squares of paper, then exiting the stall and washing his hands before rushing out of the bathroom as quickly as possible.

* * *

><p>Naruto ran down the hall back towards the classroom, cussing all the way. "Dammit! I've probably missed the team assignments already! What team am I on?" He demanded out loud, turning the final corner that lead to the class-<p>

-and ran straight into somebody, stopping cold as his face sank into a deep crevice, blocking his sight. _"Huh? Did I run into a pair of pillows?" _He wondered, reaching up with his hands to feel what he was in- whatever they were, they were round, and soft!

So, he squeezed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you little brat?"

"Huh?" Naruto grunted intelligently, looking straight up, into a piercing, furious gaze that locked with his own wondering eyes "Hey! Kurenai-sensei! What's going on?" He inquired, recognizing the woman who occasionally substituted for Iruka in the past.

"Bwa ha ha! You've got some big ones on ya kid, I'll give ya that!" Exclaimed a man who stepped into Naruto's (very!) limited range of vision.

"Hey! You're jiji's son, Asuma!" Naruto exclaimed, his eyes widening in recognition...

Then he squeezed Kurenai's boobs again.

"QUIT DOING THAT!" Kurenai yelled furiously, bringing an elbow down on top of Naruto's head, knocking the poor kid to the floor, where he twitched a few times while Kurenai stood over him, her fists curled at her sides as she attempted to set him on fire with her fierce glare,

"Wow Kurenai, did you kill him? All he did was squeeze your boobs." Asuma remarked, poking the twitching boy with a stick as Kurenai turned her raptor's gaze on him, feminine fury radiating off of her in waves.

"Exactly." She ground out.

"Whoa! Kurenai-sensei, did you kill him?" Kiba asked, coming around the duo to crouch beside Naruto, feeling for a pulse

"K-Kiba?" Naruto groaned, his eyes fluttering open. "W-what are yuh-you doin' here?"

Kiba grinned. "Well, me 'n the team are goin' with Kurenai-sensei to get to know one another! I got on a team with Shino and Hinata, and Asuma-sensei is taking on Shikamaru, Chouji, and Ino! Pretty cool, huh?" He asked.

Naruto grinned weakly. "So, we're not gonna be on a team after all huh? Too bad..." He said weakly.

"Naruto? You ok man?" Kiba asked, starting to get worried as the other genin started to come forward.

"So troublesome. If you're gonna die, then just do it already." Shikamaru yawned while Chouji busily munched on a bag of chips.

"Shikamaru! That's not nice! Even if it is Naruto!" Ino yelled, causing everyone nearby to wince at how loud she was being.

Meanwhile, Hinata hesitantly stepped forward, looking down at her long-time crush. "N-Naruto..." She muttered, worried for the boy.

Shino just silently stood there, being Shino.

"I-" Naruto coughed, his eyes starting to close.

"Naruto! I'm here man!" Kiba yelled, leaning closer. Even Kurenai started to look worried- She hadn't hit him that hard, had she?

"I just wish... I could've squeezed those wonderful marshmallows, just one more time..." Naruto wheezed.

"YOU CAN JUST GO AND DIE!" Kurenai roared, punting Naruto down the hallway, sending him bouncing off several walls before finally crashing through the door to the classroom. "Fucking punk!" She snarled, brushing her hands before taking off at a brisk pace in the opposite direction.

"Naruto..." Hinata sighed, looking in the direction that her crush had flown. "I would've let you squeeze mine, if you'd just asked." She murmured under her breath.

"Hinata! Come on!" Kiba yelled as he and Shikamaru followed after Kurenai.

"C-coming!" Hinata called out, hurrying after her team.

"Heh, I like that kid, he's got spunk." Asuma commented with a grin, moving to follow Kurenai.

Shikamaru just sighed and shook his head resignedly as they left as well.

* * *

><p>Sasuke and Sakura were sitting in the classroom, waiting on their sensei. "Where could he be? And where's Naruto anyway?" Sakura complained to Sasuke, who simply grunted in response.<p>

All of a sudden, the door burst in, an orange blur flying through the air, blood spraying everywhere. "AAAHHH!" Sakura screamed as she and Sasuke leapt to their feet, the latter pulling a kunai in case of attack. "What the heck is going on?" Sakura screeched as Naruto came to a halt at her feet, a pool of blood already forming. "Naruto? Are you alright?" She asked cautiously, nudging his prone body with a foot.

"GAH!" Naruto suddenly yelled, causing Sakura to yelp in surprise and leap away as he sat up, holding his head. "What a crazy lady! She almost killed me back there for no reason at all!" He complained, holding his throbbing head.

Sasuke snorted, putting his kunai away. "I'm sure you did something to deserve it. Now quit being a dobe... Dobe." He said, taking a seat.

"Heck yeah! You should listen to Sasuke-kun!" Sakura agreed while taking the first-aid kit off of the wall, taking out a roll of gauze and bandaging Naruto's head.

"But Sakura!" Naruto whined, getting a slap on the head for his trouble.

"You be quiet and take it easy! You lost a lot of blood you idiot!" Sakura snapped, tying off the bandage. "There, now keep quiet until our sensei comes." She said with a huff, crossing her arms as she walked to a near-by seat.

Naruto watched the retreating girl with a small amount of wonder. _"Sakura... You say you can't stand me, but maybe you care about me... At least a little bit?" _He hoped quietly...

Then his eyes drifted downwards, towards her swaying posterior, and his thoughts became considerably dirtier.

* * *

><p>"AHHH! I can't take this waiting anymore dammit!" Naruto yelled, ruffling his hair in frustration, feeling sorely tempted to just take off... After waiting for THREE FREAKING HOURS!<p>

"Shut up and quit complaining Naruto!" Sakura snapped, throwing a piece of chalk at said boy's head, forcing him to duck the impromptu projectile. _**'He's got a point though! Where's that damn sensei of ours? I'll kick his ass myself if he takes too much longer!**_ _**Shannaro!"**_ Inner-Sakura protested, in agreement with Naruto.

Sasuke just sat there... but the constant twitching of his right eyebrow showed that the young Uchiha was also getting annoyed. Not that he'd complain out loud of course, that was beneath a Uchiha after all.

"Heh, I'll teach that stupid sensei of ours to be late!" Naruto exclaimed, cackling madly as he stood up. "Hey guys, wanna see the greatest prank ever? Well, for today at least." He asked, quickly amending the last part of his statement.

"Naruto, what the hell are you thinking?" _**"Hell yeah Naruto!**_ _**Teach that bastard the consequences of**_ _**being late! Shannaro!" **_BothSakura and Inner-Sakura yelled at the same time.

Sasuke snorted, his fingers steepled in front of his face. "As if our sensei could fall for anything a dobe like you could come up with- he's an elite jonin after all... Dobe." He replied cooly.

"Heh, I'll show you! Just make sure you guys ast like nothing happened after he finally comes in, ok?" Naruto asked, pointing at Sasuke and Sakura while he placed his ear up to the door. "Ok... I hear someone coming! Here I go!" He whispered, molding a hand-sign that was unfamiliar to his teammates. "Kage bushin!" He exclaimed quietly, a shadow clone forming in front of the door, even as Naruto ran to a seat while Sasuke and Sakura stared gob-smacked at the clone.

The clone grinned evilly. "Sexy Technique!" He called out, suddenly transforming into a drop-dead gorgeous blonde babe that was completely naked, covering her naughty bits with her hands, standing right in front of the door.

"WHA-?" Sakura's jaw dropped open, taken by complete surprise, while Sasuke's eyes widened fractionally, his head whipping to the side as a small trickle of blood escaped his nose.

Naruto grinned as the door started to slide open. _'Here we go!' _he thought gleefully.

* * *

><p>Kakashi Hatake, elite jonin of Konohakagure, strolled easily towards classroom 11, taking his sweet time, given that he'd just reached one of his favorite parts in Icha Icha Tactics. <em>'Oh Kintaro, your such a naughty boy! Trying to look down the shirt of the mayor's daughter like that! You're my hero!' <em>He cheered mentally, giggling as his eyes greedily devoured panel after panel.

All too soon, however, he reached the classroom door. _'Let's get this over with...' _He thought to himself. _"I wonder how long it'll take this team to fail?' _He wondered. Reaching down, he grasped the handle and pulled the door open...

... And there stood a wide eyed, naked woman!

"AHHH! A PERVERT!" The blonde beauty screamed, nailing Kakashi in the face with a perfect high kick (and giving him the perfect view at the same time!), knocking the stunned jonin against the far wall before she screamed shrilly again and slammed the door shut.

Kakashi blinked once, then again, his mind awhirl, before... "WAIT FOR MEEE!" He squeed happily, rushing back to the door- undoubtedly this was a dream come true!

* * *

><p>Inside, Naruto was barely able to keep from laughing, and even Sakura looked like she was trying not to as well, while Sasuke was unable to even look in the henged clone's direction, even after she disappeared in a poof of smoke.<p>

Before any of them could say anything, the door burst open in a shower of splinters, a wild-eyed, tall, silver-haired ninja rushing into the room, looking around frantically. "YOU THERE!" He roared, pointing at Naruto. "WHERE IS SHE?"

"Huh?" Naruto asked intelligently, pointing at himself. "Who, Sakura-chan? She's right there." He replied, pointing to his pink-haired crush.

Kakashi zoomed towards Naruto, picking him up by the collar of his jump-suit and bringing him face to face. "NO! THE PRETTY NAKED LADY!" He yelled wildly, waving his other arm up and down.

"Uh, what are you talking about?" Naruto asked, confused, only for Kakashi to drop him and run over to Sasuke and Sakura.

"PLEASE! PLEASE TELL ME THAT AT LEAST ONE OF YOU SAW HER!" The tall jonin begged, slamming his hands down on their desks. When both genin fearfully shook their heads no, Kakashi hung his head, a dejected cloud seemingly hanging over him._'Was it just a dream?' _He wondered, before finally turning his attention to his students. "Ok you three... Meet me on the roof..." He said listlessly, disappearing in a swirl of leaves.

The three genin sat in stunned silence for a few seconds, processing what just happened. "Aw man, did'ja see that? That was hilarious!" Naruto suddenly said, his face splitting into a grin.

Sakura giggled a little. "I've got to admit Naruto, that was pretty good." She replied, standing up. "Well, shall we go meet our new teacher for real?" She asked the two boys.

"You bet Sakura-chan!" Naruto exclaimed, leaping up to follow his crush.

"Hn." Was all Sasuke said, standing up, though his thoughts were a different matter completely. _'They... They were so perky..." _He gulped, unable to forget what just happened.

* * *

><p>The three genin sat before their instructor, who was leaning against a rail, a cloud of dejection still hanging around him. "Ummm... Sensei? Are you alright?" Sakura asked uncertainly.<p>

Kakashi sighed dramatically, gazing over his shoulder at Konoha. 'Yeah, I was just thinking of a wonderful dream..." He said wistfully.

"Well... What are we supposed to do now?" She asked, uncertain.

Kakashi heaved another long, melodramatic sigh, crossing his arms as he looked at the kids. "Fine, how about we start by introducing ourselves? Tell each-other our dreams, likes, dislikes, etc. It shouldn't be hard to figure out-" He looked at Sakura "-But if you really need an example, I'll go first. My name is Kakashi Hatake, your jonin sensei. My dreams and dislikes really aren't any of your business, and my likes?" At this, his eye crinkled as he smiled. "... Naked ladies." He dead-panned, stating the obvious. "Ok pinkie, you're up.

"Right." Sakura nodded. "Well, my name is Sakura Haruno, and I like-" She looked at Sasuke and blushed. "-Well, my dreams are-" this time a giggle accompanied her blush. "-And my dislikes are Ino-pig and stupid perverted jerks like Naruto!" She exclaimed, crossing her arms.

"Awww, Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried, his jaw falling open. "Surely ya don't mean that!"

Kakashi grinned under his mask. "Well, thanks for volunteering to be second, blondie!"

Naruto continued to pout, crossing his arms. "Fine, fine! I'm Naruto Uzumaki! My likes are ramen, Sakura-chan, training, and kicking the asses of people who underestimate me! My dislikes are the three minutes ya gotta wait for ramen to cook, people that look down on me, and the fact that I'm not Hokage yet, even though I already beat jiji! And my dreams for the future are to become Hokage, and marry Sakura-chan!" He proclaimed proudly.

"CHA! LIKE HELL YOU WILL! I'M GONNA MARRY SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura roared, nailing Naruto in the face with a clean straight right, sending the poor boy skidding along the roof until he eventually hit a wall a dozen feet away, his head buried in rubble and his body twitching spastically.

"Huh, that was some pretty good distance there pinky." Kakashi complimented, faintly interested. "You ok over there blondie?"

Naruto's response was to groan an inaudible reply and give Kakashi a weak thumbs-up as he started to extract his head from the rubble.

Kakashi smiled. "Excellent! Ok Mr. Broody-pants, it's your turn." He said, gesturing to Sasuke.

Sasuke grunted, steepling his fingers in front of his face. "My name is Sasuke Uchiha... I have many dislikes. My dreams... No, my goals are to resurrect my clan and kill a certain person..."

"... And your likes?" Kakashi prompted.

'_Well, there is tomatoes, and... boobies? Gah! Why am I feeling this all of a sudden?' _"Hn..." Sasuke grunted, a slight, almost unnoticeable blush spreading across his cheeks.

Kakashi smiled again. "That's great you guys! Now then, you need to show up for a survival exercise at training ground ten tomorrow, alright?"

This caught all three genin by surprise. "B-but Kakashi-sensei, why do we need to do survival exercises?" Sakura voiced their confusion.

Kakashi's smirk remained, but his demeanor suddenly became menacing. "Well, I'm glad you asked! You see, that so-called 'exam' you passed? That's just a pre-screen! Your real test to determine wether you become genin is tomorrow, and this test as a sixty-six percent failure rate! If you fail, you get to come back here even! Sounds pretty fun, huh? So be at the grounds at eight a.m. sharp, or you fail right away! And don't eat breakfast either, you'll just throw it back up." He informed them. "Later then kiddos!" With that, the jonin disappeared via body-flicker, leaving three stunned preteens in his wake.

"Wait, WHAT THE HELL? WHADDA YA MEAN WE HAVEN'T PASSED YET?" Naruto's yell echoed across Konoha.

* * *

><p>That night, Naruto sat in front of a stuffed dummy that resembled Kakashi, his head cocked to the side as he studied it. "Well, if I come at him like... Then go like so..." He mumbled, whipping out a note-book and jotting down a series of notes. "But... Wait! I already know he'll fall for... Of course! I'm a genius!" He suddenly yelled, grinning evilly. "Prepare yourself Kakashi-sensei! I'm takin' you down tomorrow!" He laughed, putting his notebook away and getting ready for bed.<p>

Elsewhere in the village, said silver-haired jonin sneezed while leaping over a roof, startling an on-guard ANBU. _'Someone must be thinking about me... Maybe it was that pretty naked lady!'_ He thought happily.

* * *

><p>The next morning dawned bright and early... Then at nine o'clock, Kakashi showed up at the training grounds raising a hand as he waved at three VERY irate genin. "Good morning students!" He greeted.<p>

"YOU'RE LATE!" Naruto and Sakura screamed together, while sasuke stood beside them, his arms crossed as he sent a glare of annoyance Kakashi's way.

"Now-now, you shouldn't be like that. Patience is one of the fundamental skills of any good shinobi after all." Kakashi replied, waving one hand in front of his face dismissively as he lead the three genin to a group of training stumps that were lined up. "Now, I've set this clock to go off at noon." he explained, pulling out a small alarm clock and setting it on one of the posts, then pulled out a pair of bells. "Now, what I've got here are two bells. The object of this exercise is to get one of these bells from me. Anyone who doesn't get one before the time limit runs out will be tied to a stump, and I'll eat lunch in front of you, and then I will fail you and send you back to the academy, a disgrace."

"But that means-" Sakura started, stunned.

Kakashi smirked under his mask. "Exactly. I've only got two bells here- that means that at least one of you is going to fail, no matter what. Pretty fun, hm? Now, you'd better come at me with the intent to kill, or you won't stand a chance." He warned.

Naruto grinned foxily, stepping forward. "I've already beat a chunin, a jonin, and even jiji himself! You might wanna rethink those words sensei, 'cuz I already know how to beat you too!" He boasted, poking himself in the chest with his thumb.

Kakashi sighed, looking at Naruto lazily. "Only stupid, weak people make up such empty lies and boasts. Now, let's forget the stupid liar there, and get started on my signal." He ordered.

"I'll show ya who'se stupid!" Naruto growled, glaring fiercely at Kakashi as he whipped out a kunai and prepared to throw it...

... Only for Kakashi to blur out of sight, appearing behind Naruto and grabbing his hand in a firm lock, pulling the kunai behind the young blonde's head, surprising all three preteens. "Well-well, it seems like maybe you might be ready to start acting like real ninja after all! Even if I didn't give you the go-ahead to start yet... Maybe you'll turn out to be worthwhile after all. Now ready..."

All three genin smirked as their bodies tensed.

"...GO!" All four ninja disappeared from the field.

* * *

><p>After a few moments, Kakashi decided to reveal himself to test his genin charges, his eyes drifting around as he appeared in an open area in the training grounds. "Hm, they seem to have stealth down pretty well." He mused thoughtfully.<p>

"HEY KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"...Or maybe not." Kakashi amended, sweat-dropping as he turned around, coming face-to-face with a grinning Naruto, who was standing proudly, his arms crossed. "Naruto, what are you doing?" He asked, gazing at his student lazily.

Near-by, Sasuke lay under a bush, wondering the exact same thing. _'What the hell are you doing, challenging him in the open like that dobe? You'd better at least be good enough to give me an opening before he hands your ass to you on a silver platter... Dobe.' _He thought, waiting for the fight to begin, wile Sakura watched, hidden in a tree, sweat-dropping at the blonde's apparent idiocy.

Naruto smirked, pointing at Kakashi. "I'll tell ya what I'm about to do! I'm gonna beat your ass and take those bells! I already told you that I've got your number!" He boasted, taking off towards Kakashi in a dead-run.

"By all means then." Kakashi replied lazily, reaching into his pouch and pulling out a familiar orange covered book, opening it as a small blush appeared on his cheeks.

Naruto screeched to a halt a few feet from his teacher. "Hey! Is that a book?" He demanded, pointing.

'Flip' "Yep."

"...What's it called?"

'Flip' "... Icha Icha Paradise."

"... What's it about?"

'Flip' "...Stuff... That's too old for you."

"Oh yeah? Try me!"

Kakashi looked up from his book at that. "Alright then." He replied, closing the book and handing it to Naruto. _'This should be amusing.' _He thought with a smirk.

"Well, the author had a good taste in cover color at least!" Naruto exclaimed, opening the book to the first page...

... Then the second...

... Then the third, his hands tightening on the book...

"Kakashi-sensei..." Naruto started, lowering the book as he looked up at his instructor with an unreadable expression.

Kakashi blinked twice. "Yes Naruto?"

Naruto's eyes started to shine as a wide grin split his face. "This is the greatest book ever!"

At that instant, Sakura face-faulted, falling out of the tree into a bush, where her legs twitched, Sasuke palmed his face, groaning, and Kakashi's visible eye widened as his mouth dropped open inside his mask. "Yuh-you mean you actually understand it? And you like it?" He asked in disbelief.

"Oh hell yeah! This is awesome!" Naruto exclaimed, shoving his nose back into the book as he started reading at a break-neck pace.

"Gh!" Kakashi grunted, his visible eye twitching... Then he let out a long sigh, palming his face.

This caught Naruto's attention. "Sensei? Are you ok?" He asked, looking up from the book.

Kakashi twitched. "I'm... I'm just debating whether I should continue this test... Or just pass you because you love the world's greatest literature..." Kakashi groaned, clearly torn. "I... I...!"

"Sensei?" Naruto asked, hope blooming in his voice as he took a step forward while the others leaned in from their hiding positions, listening intently.

"I... I'm sorry Naruto! I just can't! We must continue the test!" Kakashi cried out, anguished.

"Then I'm passin' right now! Believe it!" Naruto yelled, suddenly lunging for the bells with his free hand.

"TOO SLOW!" Kakashi exclaimed loudly, deftly snatching his precious book from Naruto's hand and spinning behind him into a crouch, making the tiger seal.

'_NO! That's the tiger seal! That's for fire-based ninjutsu!' _Sakura thought frantically. "NARUTO! GET OUT OF THERE!" She screamed.

"Wha-?" Naruto started to turn around as everything seemed to go into slow motion.

"Too late! Konoha's most sacred taijutsu! One-thousand Years of Pain!" Kakashi yelled, his eye seeming to flash as he thrust forward with his hands, sending Naruto flying through the air with an ass-poke so powerful waves of displaced air flattened the grass around the point of impact, followed by a loud clap.

"YEOWCH! OH KAMI! WHY MEEE!" Naruto screamed shrilly, grabbing his abused buttocks as he sailed through the air, eventually landing in the river, sinking beneath the surface.

'_They're both buffoons...' _Sasuke thought with a sweat-drop.

"... That's Konoha's most sacred taijutsu? It just looked like Naruto got poked in the ass really hard." Sakura dead-panned from her new hiding spot. _**"What if that'd been Sasuke-kun though? And then they could... Shannaro!" **_Inner-Sakura shouted, grinning perversely while Sakura started to blush furiously at the dirty thoughts that were starting to form.

"Man! What an amazingly devastating taijutsu attack!" Naruto exclaimed in a hushed tone, crouching beside Sakura.

"GAH! Naruto? But how?" Sakura screeched, barely able to keep her voice down as she leapt into a crouch in surprise.

Naruto grinned foxily. "I switched with a clone at the last second! Pretty cool, huh? That move might've defeated me otherwise."

Sakura blinked, then blinked again. "Wait, so you had a clone in hiding the entire time?" She asked, confused.

Naruto gave a thumbs-up. "That's right! They say victory goes to the prepared, right? I needed something in case I got in trouble!" He replied, sliding over to Sakura. "So, I was thinking... It seems to me that Kakashi-sensei might be too tough for us to take on alone..." He started, his hand reaching out while Sakura looked at Kakashi, who was staring patiently at the river.

"Huh? What're yo- KYA!" Sakrua started, only to screech suddenly, a visible shiver traveling up her body.

"Huh? Are you alright Sakura?" Naruto asked

"Aha! I found you-!" Kakashi stated, appearing behind both genin, only to notice neither of them were looking at him.

Sakura, still shivering, looked down, so Naruto and Kakashi did too...

...To see Naruto's hand, cupping Sakura's left butt-cheek, rubbing up and down in a soft caress.

Kakashi looked up, blinking, as Naruto grinned widely at Sakura, his eyes closed. "KYAAA! YOU FUCKING PERVERT!" She screamed, punt-kicking Naruto in the chin, sending the poor genin flying.

"IT WAS WORTH IT!" Naruto yelled, sailing away.

"Oh no! What if Sasuke-kun saw?" Sakura despaired, covering her flaming cheeks as she ran away.

Kakashi remained where he was, crouched down. "... Naruto... Is the greatest student ever!" he cried happily while pumping a fist, cheering.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later found Kakashi standing by the river again, reading his book. <em>'Well, that's Sakura and Naruto so far, now the only one left is-'<em>

"I'm not like those other two, you know."

"Sasuke of the Uchiha clan." Kakashi said, snapping his book shut. "You might want to be careful about those kinds of boasts, Naruto has set a pretty high bar to compare against you know." He finished nonchalantly.

Sasuke snorted. "As if the dobe could ever hope to compare against me. I'm an elite." He replied with a smirk, lowering his body as he reached for a shuriken.

"A frontal assault is wasted here-" Kakashi started.

"Tee-hee! Look Sasami-chan, there's a river! Let's go swimming!" A near-by female voice called out.

"But Yuki-sama! We don't have any bathing suits!" Kakashi looked over, interested.

"It's ok Sasami-chan! We can swim naked! You don't want your mistress to swim alone do you?" the first voice pouted.

Sasuke dropped his shuriken, looking the same direction as Kakashi. Stealthily, both ninja snuck towards a bush in the direction they'd heard the voices come from. Peeking through, they saw two naked women- one a green-haired, pale skinned beauty with a mischievous smirk on her face with small perky breasts that were capped with small, pink nipples- and the other a woman with a much tanner complexion and short-cropped, white hair, with much larger breasts and larger, darker areola. "There's no way we're this lucky." Kakashi said, wide-eyed, blood dripping from his mask around where his nose would be.

Sasuke couldn't even manage a grunt in reply, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene in front of him.

"Oh Sasami-chan, look at you! I could just gobble you up!" The green-haired woman smirked, sashaying towards the other, who blushed deeper and attempted to cover herself as the smaller woman took her in her arms.

"Yuh-Yuki-sama! We shouldn't!" Sasami moaned as Yuki started to nuzzle her neck, rubbing against her.

Yuki's smirk grew devillish. "Oh, if only we had a couple of men here to help you get over that shyness of yours! We'd have sooo much fun..." she purred, running her hands through Sasami's hair.

Kakashi's visible eye started to twitch as blood continued to leak out of his mask. "This... IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER! LADIES!" He yelled happily, bull-rushing through the bush, dragging A stunned Sasuke with him. "DON"T WORRY, YOUR LOVER BOY IS HERE!" He ran towards the women.

Suddenly, the surprised looking 'Sasami' smirked, an evil glint in her eyes. "Oh my! It's the famous Kakashi! Get him girls!" She called out.

"Huh?" Kakashi came to a halt, Sasuke falling to his knees beside him, when the bushes all around the two started shaking, nude blonde women with twin pig-tails emerging from all around. "A trap?" he gasped.

"GET 'EM!" All of the 'girls screamed together, leaping towards the pair.

"YES! BURY ME IN BOOBIES! AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU WANNA RUB ON ME!" Kakashi yelled, his visible eye glistening with unshed tears of happiness as he opened his arms wide...

... And both he and Sasuke were crushed underneath a tidal wave of Narukos.

* * *

><p>Kakashi came awake with a start, finding himself tied to a post. "Hu-huuh? What the heck happened?" He asked to himself, his eye widening. Looking up, he found a smirking, badly bruised Naruto standing in front of him, arms crossed over his chest, with an annoyed Sakura on one side, and Sasuke on the other, his head turned in the opposite direction, and a small blush adorning his face. "What's going on?" Kakashi asked again.<p>

Naruto's grin widened. "You fell for my jutsu sensei! We got you fair and square!" he exclaimed.

"Wh- So none of that was real?" Kakashi asked. Upon getting a nod, Kakashi hung his head, a huge cloud of dispair appearing over him. "You cheap little bastard! That was so unfair! You got my hopes up dammit! I oughta kill ya!" He raged, struggling against the ropes.

Naruto's smirk grew even more. "But you're not going to, are ya?" He asked, holding up the pair of bells.

"But there are only two bells you know. So, who gets them?" Kakashi suddenly asked, looking up, then disappearing from the confines of the ropes, coming back into view in front of the three genin.

This time it was Sakura who smirked, while Naruto tossed the bells into the air. "Well Kakashi-sensei, even though Naruto is a perverted jerk, he really got me thinking back there when he said that you were probably too strong for any of us alone, and... Sasuke, if you'd please?"

"Hn..." Sasuke grunted, one of his hands blurring into motion as he tossed a pair of shuriken up, slicing both bells neatly in half, which Sakura caught as they started to fall, giving one piece to Sasuke and another to Naruto, before holding one of the last ones out to Kakashi. "A bell can't ring unless it's together sensei- this was all a test to see if we could work together as a team, wasn't it?" She asked.

Kakashi smirked under his mask, taking the offered piece of bell from Sakura. "Well, it seems as if you get it after all. No one person is as good as a team working as one. Just remember- Those who don't obey the rules are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are even worse! Good work team seven, you pass!" he exclaimed, giving them a thumbs-up, while Naruto and Sakura cheered.

Sasuke blinked, his eyes cutting towards Kakashi as something bugged him. "But... How did ANY of what happened today show teamwork?"

-End-

A/N– Whew! I had fun writing that one! Did any of you like it?

-Omake-

It was late at night, the moon hidden by clouds as a shadowy figure stealthily snuck into the Konoha Academy. Without a sound, the figure slunk towards the boy's bathroom, looking everywhere for signs of anyone else, and, finding none, reached up and pulled the mask off, revealing none other than Naruto. "Heh heh, time to break the rules! I don't see what's so bad about this anyway!" He chuckled, going into a stall and grabbing the toilet paper, jerking it out- and when it passed the third piece...

... A primed explosive note was revealed!

"OH FUCK!" Naruto screamed as the note blew up.


	3. Chapter 3, Attack of the Killer Pussy!

A/N– Well, once again I'm pleasantly surprised! So, thank you all for enjoying my story. Heh, what makes it even more impressive is the fact that you were able to find it, given the fact that there are so many yaoi/high-school/odd-pairing stories that seem to pop up daily- so many it's absolutely mind-boggling! I mean, just how many different Naruto/Sasuke boy love stories do people feel they need anyway?

Also! I have concluded that there is indeed something deeply wrong with my psyche- not because I am writing this, but because I was able to sit and listen to Surfin' Bird... For almost 40 minutes solid! That means back to back, straight through looping! SURFIN' BIRD! And I did it willingly! Just to see if I could! Who does that?

Heh heh, me.

Anyway! I don't own Naruto, and I probably never will. This is just a work of my fevered imagination, so please don't sue.

That being said, this chapter is brought to you courtesy of Monty Python's Sit on My Face.

-Chapter 3-

-Attack of the Killer Pussy!-

Naruto sat at Ichiraku's, happily slurping up his third bowl of ramen in celebration of passing his sensei's test earlier, while telling the owner, Teuchi, about how he and his team had beaten Kakashi. "-And then, and then...! I used my harem technique! Not only did Kakashi-sensei fall to it, but I managed to knock out that stupid bastard Sasuke as well!" Naruto continued, bouncing excitedly in seat as a grinning Teuchi put another bowl of miso ramen in front of his favorite customer. "-but then-" he inhaled that bowl as well. "-Sakura-chan beat me up, yelling at me for catching Sasuke in the cross-fire and being a 'perverted bastard'! Can ya believe it? I don't even know why she called me that, I was just doing what I needed so we could pass!" He ranted.

Ayame, Teuchi's daughter, giggled as she reached over and ruffled Naruto's hair. "Oh Naruto-kun, she just thought that the way you won is inappropriate is all." She replied.

This caused Teuchi to laugh. "Yeah, but a win's a win, right kiddo?" He shot back, looking at Naruto, who had his face buried in yet another bowl of ramen.

A thoughtful frown crossed Ayame's face after Naruto set down his latest conquest . "Naruto-kun... I know you like using your new technique and all... But tell me, has anyone had 'The Talk' with you yet?" She asked, her father shooting her a horrified look, even as Naruto glanced at her curiously.

"The talk? What's that?" Naruto asked, his head tilting to the side as he squinted at Ayame, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ayame and her father shared a meaningful look, causing the old man to sigh as he reached under the counter and pulled up a sake bottle and two saucers. "Naruto..." He started, only to be hushed as Ayame put a shushing hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry dad, I'll take care of this one." She smiled at her father, snagging the sake and saucers as she rounded the counter, taking her handkerchief off with her free hand as she did so. "Come on Naruto-kun, it's time for you to learn about the real meaning of growing up." She said, giggling at the mystified look on Naruto's face when she snagged the sleeve of his jumpsuit and started pulling him along.

"Wh-wait! Where are you taking him?" Teuchi called out.

Ayame giggled again as she looked back at her father. "Oh, we're just going to get Naruto-kun some 'appropriate reading material', then I'm gonna take him to his apartment and explain the birds and the bees to him. It'll be fun!" She exclaimed, dragging the confused preteen down the street.

Teuchi sweat-dropped as they disappeared around a corner. "I'm worried... But I don't know which one I should worry about more." He muttered, shaking his head as he began to clean up Naruto's mess. Surely nothing would happen... Right?

* * *

><p>A middle-aged store clerk was sitting behind the counter of his adults-only shop, bored out of his skull, when suddenly the door swung wide open, startling the man as a smirking Ayame came barging in, dragging Naruto along behind her, covering his eyes with one hand. "He-hey! Ayame, where are we?" Naruto grumbled, half-heartedly struggling against the older girl's grip.<p>

"It's alright Naruto-kun, where here now, so feast your eyes!" Ayame exclaimed, pulling her hand away, showing Naruto the store. "We're here to pick you up some men's magazines!"

"Hey! That brat isn't allowed in here! Besides, don't you know wh-" The clerk started, only to be hushed as Ayame smacked her hand down on the counter, sending the man a death-glare, before grinning happily as he quickly shut up. "Now, now- Naruto-kun is coming to a special point in his life where he's starting to grow up, so, since I'm going to be teaching him the facts of life, we need a few magazines." She said while Naruto looked around his mouth hanging open and a small amount of drool started to dribble.

The man blinked twice."So wait-" He started. "-You mean that you are gonna be teaching the brat-" Ayame nodded. "-and so you need-" Another nod. "-Uh... alright?" He finished weakly, making it more of a question than anything at the slightly disturbing look in the girl's eyes.

"Geat! I'm glad we can see eye to eye!" Ayame said happily, clapping her hands together. "Now then, if you'd get me... a copy of Horny House-Mates monthly, Super Slut Kunoichi, and Fiery Babes of Hi no Kuni, then we should be good... Oh! And a box of condoms if you'd please!" She ordered.

The man twitched as he got the magazines. "Condoms?" he asked, raising a disbelieving eyebrow. "Really?"

Ayame huffed as she crossed her arms. "Of course! I've gotta teach him what they are after all! He needs to know that if he's gonna tap it, he's gotta wrap it!"

The clerk sweat-dropped, getting the condoms so as to not incur Ayame's wrath again, bagging the purchases. "Well, there you go." He said shakily, taking the money that Ayame offered him before quickly shoving the bag towards her.

"Thanks!" Ayame chirped cheerfully. "Come on Naruto-kun, we're going!" She called out, heading towards the door.

"Awww, already?" Naruto whined, looking up from a very familiar book that was in his hands. "Hey mister! How much is this?" he asked, holding up Icha Icha Tactics. When the man told him, Naruto pouted. "Aww man! I don't have enough!" He complained, moving to place the book back where he'd gotten it from.

The clerk looked at Naruto's down-trodden face. "Hey kid... Just take it, it's on the house..." He said, scratching his nose as he looked away.

Naruto's face lit up as he scooped the book back up, holding it tightly to his chest. "Really? Ya mean it?" He asked happily.

"NARUTO! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!"

Naruto yelped, leaping into the air a little. "Sorrygottagothanks!" he said in a rush, running out the door.

"Namu." The clerk clapped his hands together twice, bowing his head to pray for the poor boy's soul.

* * *

><p>An hour later found Naruto and Ayame sitting on Naruto's couch in his apartment, both slightly tipsy, with the dirty magazines spread out on the couch between them. "Whoa, that wasn't so hard! From the way old man Teuchi was actin', you'd think that the talk is some horribly painful and embarrassing process! But you explained it so easily! Thanks for enlightening me Ayame-neechan!" Naruto exclaimed, grinning widely. "So, have you ever 'done it' before?"<p>

Ayame giggled at Naruto's antics. "No, no, I'm still a virgin. But, it's no problem Naruto-kun, I've had fun explaining things to you! But none of that 'neechan' stuff right now, alright? There's still one thing left I have to teach you..." She smirked.

Naruto frowned, squinting. "Really? What's that? And why can't I call you neechan? You're kinda like a big... booobies..." His eyes widened comically as Ayame quickly stripped off her shirt and shucked her bra, showing off her pert breasts, effectively shutting Naruto up.

"Now I'm gonna teach you two things Naruto-kun..." Ayame purred, getting on her hands and knees, slinking towards Naruto. "The first is about masturbation, and then about heavy petting with a girl. And who knows, depending on how good of a student you are, I might even teach you How to use that tongue properly... for oral sex... " She smirked devilishly, grabbing one of Naruto's hands with her own, pulling it up to her breasts as she reached down with her other hand and grabbed the zipper of his pants, pulling it down. "Now, let's get started... Shall we?"

Naruto could only gulp.

Ayame looked down as Naruto's 'little' soldier sprung free of it's restraints. "Oh my..." She breathed, her eyes lighting up.

Somewhere in another country, a baby elephant trumpeted.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Kakashi shunshined into the area that he was scheduled to meet his team at... Thirty minutes late. "Yo!" he greeted, his uncovered eye shut as he smiled and raised his right hand- he couldn't wait to give them his excuse, it was such a good one! After all, who wouldn't believe that he had to single-handedly fight off a gigantic invasion force from the north... Right?<p>

"Shannaro! You're late Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura screamed angrily.

Noting that only one person was screaming at him, Kakashi cracked open his eye. Let's see, there was Sakura glaring daggers at him- check. Sasuke had his arms crossed and was looking pointedly away- check. There was... nobody? "Where's Naruto?" Kakashi asked, genuinely surprised- certainly his favorite student wouldn't miss out on their very first real day of ninja duty! ... Would he?

Sakura crossed her arms and huffed angrily. "How the heck should I know? He's being even lazier than you sensei! Why, when I get my hands on him... POW! Right in the kisser!" She snarled, smacking her fist into her other palm.

"Hn... Who cares, he's a dobe..." Sasuke grunted, still refusing to look at Kakashi.

Kakashi eye-smiled again, scratching the back of his head. "Well, shall we go get our wayward teammate then? It doesn't reflect well on a young shinobi to be tardy like this after all, so follow me." he stated, starting for Naruto's apartment.

"Che, look who's talking..." Sakura grumbled, clearly not in the mood.

Ten minutes later found team seven standing outside of Naruto's apartment, Kakashi looking back at his students before raising a hand and knocking, then backing up a foot. "Naruto? Are you in there?" He called out.

A grunt was heard inside, followed by a body hitting the floor, then finally footsteps coming towards the door, before it was opened, revealing a ragged Naruto standing there in nothing but his underwear, his eyes wide and staring off blankly with dark bags underneath them and his hair a disheveled mess. "Hey, hey guys... What's up?" he asked blankly, scratching the back of his head with one hand. His other hand... looked considerably more used, the muscles tensed, clutching a soggy tissue.

Kakashi blinked twice as Sasuke and Sakura stood there, dumbfounded. "Naruto? What've you been doing? Are you alright?" He asked, genuinely concerned for his student.

Naruto blinked looking up at Kakashi. "What? ... Yeah, yeah, I'm cool..." he took a deep breath. "... yeah, just been learnin' about stuff... Yeah..."

Sakura managed to shake herself out of her stupor. "Stuff? What sort of stuff would leave you like this?" She asked, confused- what was wrong with the knucklehead?

"Mnnn... Narutooo... Who is it?" A sleepy Ayame asked, coming up behind Naruto, a blanket wrapped around her. Looking over Naruto's head, she blinked owlishly. "Huh...? Oh! You must be Naruto's team... Nice to meet'cha..." She yawned. "I'll make you breakfast cutie." She said, kissing the side of a still dumbfounded Naruto's neck and smacking his butt.

"Yeah, yeah... just learnin' stuff... Birds'n'bees... 'n'stuff..." Naruto mumbled, his stare still wide-eyed and glassy, a suspicious gleam on his nose and chin now that he was in the light.

Sakura's mouth fell open and she pointed at Naruto, and even Sasuke was looking at his comrade in wide-eyed surprise, and Kakashi...

"Naruto..." Kakashi started, clapping Naruto on the shoulder as his uncovered eye shimmered with happiness. "I... Am so proud of you!" he choked out, covering his eyes with his other forearm.

"Lot'sa juice..." Was all Naruto mumbled, woodenly turning around and stumbling, zombie-like, back into his apartment.

Kakashi grinned hugely, following his shell-shocked student. "You've got an hour to get ready Naruto-kun! Come now children, let's see if his lovely young friend can make us breakfast as well!" He chirped happily.

Sasuke and Sakura looked at each-other, dumbstruck. "What-" Sasuke started.

"-The fuck?" Sakura finished for her crush, the two of them turning their heads to look at Naruto's open doorway again.

* * *

><p>Several hours later finally found team seven presentable, standing before a slightly put-out Hokage, who was staring at them sternly. "I must say, despite Kakashi's rather... Lax... Attitude when it comes to meeting subordinates, I expected much better from you." he rebuked, getting proper looks of shame from both Sakura and Sasuke...<p>

Naruto on the other hand, was staring blankly off into space, Kakashi still beaming proudly at him. "Naruto! What in the world is going on with you!" Sarutobi barked, startling the oblivious blonde, who blinked a few times and looked at him.

"Huh? Did'ja say something jiji?" Naruto asked, finally looking at his leader.

Sarutobi sighed, rubbing his eyes with his left thumb and index finger. "You seem rather spaced today Naruto, what is going on with you?" He asked, looking up at the young ninja.

"Uh-" Naruto started, only to be hushed as Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, I've got this one Naruto." Kakashi smiled, giving Naruto a thumbs-up before approaching Sarutobi. "You see Hokage-sama-" Kakashi started, leaning forward to whisper into Sarutobi's ear.

Sarutobi's eyes widened a second later, his pipe falling from his suddenly slack mouth. "You mean-" He started, getting a nod from Kakashi, who started whispering again. "-and he-" Another nod "-so she-" a thumbs-up this time. "-and they... Really? There was HOW much everywhere? The wet-spot was how big? Really?" He gasped, flabbergasted. When Kakashi finished and stepped back, the Hokage looked at Naruto, his eyes shining with understanding. "Naruto... Very good lad, very good. You won't be punished today." He grinned, picking his pipe back up and shoved it back in his mouth. "Unfortunately, there is only one D-rank left to be assigned today..."

"Wh-what's that, Hokage-sama?" Sakura asked weakly- Surely this day couldn't get any weirder... Could it?

* * *

><p>Kakashi sat on a tree stump, lazily reading his Icha Icha Tactics. "Are you guys in position? Do you have visual location of the target yet?" He asked, using his free hand to tap a button on the wireless headset he was wearing.<p>

A distance away, Sakura pressed her back up against a tree as she scanned the area around her. "Nothing yet sensei... How about you Sasuke?" She asked over her own headset.

"Nothing here either... Dobe?" Sasuke was crouching under a bush... Not really looking, but it wasn't like was about to tell his teammates that.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S TRYING TO TEAR OUT MY SPLEEN! MY SPLEEEN!" Naruto's shrill cry ripped through their headsets before the line went dead and static began to crackle, causing everyone to wince as a loud roar ripped through the forest, scaring away many birds and small woodland creatures, followed by a faint 'spleeen!'

Kakashi sweat-dropped. "Well, I guess that means Naruto's found the target... move in?" It was more of a hesitant question than an order.

"Eheh... Naruto seems to have this under control... Right?" Sakura asked, laughing nervously.

"... I don't wanna..." Sasuke gulped as a mushroom cloud of smoke and dust suddenly blew up into the air from the general area that Naruto had gone in.

Kakashi's sweat-drop grew, even as a small dark blur came rocketing from the forest, touching down not too far away, revealing itself to be a disheveled Tora, his little pink bow hanging askew, and his back arched as he hissed angrily.

Suddenly, A bloody and battered Naruto staggered into the clearing, giggling in a slightly insane manner as he pulled a kunai. "Heeere pussy, pussy, pussy... I just wanna shaaave youuu..." He took another step towards the cat.

"Naruto..." Kakashi started, only to jump back a little as Tora suddenly let out a loud yowl, leaping forward and swiping at it's enemy, cutting four huge gashes in Naruto's jugular, causing the preteen to gurgle and grab at his neck as a huge torrent of blood started gushing from the wounds. "Oh shit!" Kakashi gasped, starting for Naruto...

... Only for him to burst in a cloud of smoke! "HAH! GOT'CHA YOU STUPID BASTARD!" Naruto roared gleefully, dropping from the trees overhead, driving an elbow into the back of Tora's skull, smashing the cat face-first into the ground. "VICTORY!" Naruto grabbed the unconscious Tora by the head, hefting him high into the air as he arched his back and let out a primal scream.

"... Right... Well, mission success... If the cat isn't dead..." Kakashi dead-panned, feeling more than a little nervous at the crazed look in Naruto's eyes.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, and team seven was standing again in front of the Hokage, looking perfectly fine... Naruto excepted, of course, covered in blood-stained bandages as he made stupid faces at Tora, who was currently being squished between the rather large breasts of the Fire Daimyo's wife. "Well... It seems congratulations are in order. Good job team." Sarutobi praised, puffing on his pipe.<p>

"I must admit Hokage-sama, for our first mission, that seemed awfully..." Sakura trailed off, playing nervously with he hair as she looked at Sarutobi.

The Hokage sighed, leaning back in his seat. "Yes, well normally you would be expected to have at least a few weeks worth of missions under your belts before undertaking such a harrowing mission as to catch Tora, but you were the only genin team left today without a mission, and since Tora was the only mission left that you could undertake, that was your assignment." He stated.

"Well I don't feel like taking any more missions like that! I want something cool!" Naruto complained loudly, finally diverting his attention away from the demon cat. "Why don't'cha give us something cooler old man?" He demanded.

Iruka, who was sitting beside the Hokage, listening intently, opened his mouth to berate Naruto, but stopped when the Hokage held up a hand to silence him. "Now Naruto, you know that we can't just go giving you higher-ranked missions when you only became a genin just yesterday. You need a little more experience closer to home before you can attempt anything like that." He explained.

"But that's no fair! I want cool missions!" Naruto pouted, sticking out his lower lip as he sat down and crossed his arms.

Sarutobi sighed, tugging on his hat a little. "I'll make a deal with you Naruto." He started, wanting to just shut the young blonde up before something stupid happened... Like Naruto busting out with that Harem technique of his to get his way. "If you can go for two weeks of D-rank missions without complaining, I'll give you and your team a decent C-rank mission, I promise. What do you think?"

Naruto started to open his mouth, but was suddenly tackled by Sakura, who grabbed him in a vicious headlock, shoving her other hand into his mouth to shut him up. "It's a deal Hokage-sama!" She said in a falsely happy tone, not wanting her teammate to get them in trouble.

"_... Dobe..." _Sasuke thought, cutting his eyes towards Naruto... Only to have a familiar pair of large, perky boobs to suddenly pop up in his memory, causing the young Uchiha to blush lightly and look away.

Sakura looked Sasuke's way... Then felt a chill go up and down her spine. "Stop licking my fingers Naruto!" She screeched, releasing her hold on the blonde's neck to bop him over the head... "OW! YOU FUCKING BIT ME!" She roared, quickly pulling her hand out of Naruto's mouth, shaking it up and down to ease the pain.

"It's your own fault!" Naruto shot back, sticking his tounge out at Sakura. "If ya hadn't'a hit me on the head when your hand was in my mouth, then I wouldn't have bit you on accident!"

The Hokage sighed, rubbing his temples. "Well? Do we have a deal Naruto?" He asked, hoping to forestall any further argument between the two.

Said teen looked away from his fuming teammate. "Huh? Oh yeah, sure Jiji." He replied, feeling Sakura glaring at him.

"Well good, team seven is dismissed." Sarutobi said, starting to go through some of the documents on his desk.

As they were walking out the door, Naruto suddenly stumbled forward, falling into Sakura's back, surprising everyone. "Naruto? Naruto! Are you Okay?" Kakashi demanded as he and Sasuke rushed towards their teammates.

"Naru-KYAAA!" Sakura screamed, startling everyone with her sudden outburst as she and they looked down...

... Where Naruto was fondling Sakura's breasts, gently squeezing them."YOU FUCKING PERVERT!" Shoving Naruto away, she spun around, delivering a brutal high kick to his chin, sending the poor boy flying through the far window.

"DON'T WORRY! THey'll grow bigger...!" Naruto's yell faded as he sailed out of sight.

"Hmmm... That was fairly impressive." Sarutobi hummed while he stroked his chin and Iruka sweat-dropped, the other mission assignment ninja holding up various score cards to rate Sakura's kick.

* * *

><p>As dusk neared, Naruto stumbled down a street, using a walking stick to keep his balance. "Heh, it was worth it."<p>

Passing an alleyway, Naruto never noticed as an ominous shadowed figure stepped out behind him. "Oh Naruto-_kun..." _

Hearing his name called, Naruto started to turn. "Huh-gurk!" He was forcefully stopped as a pair of chopsticks were shoved up his nose, bringing him face to face with an evilly grinning Teuchi. "Heh... What's goin' on ol' man?" Naruto asked nervously, his voice nasally from having the suddenly VERY dangerous-seeming pieces of wood shoved up his nose.

Teuchi's grin, which didn't quite reach his eyes, grew wider. "Oh, you and I have a LOT to talk about, boy. Such as what you and my baby girl did last night- And trust me, I KNOW." He growled, gabbing Naruto by the back of his neck in an iron grip. "And then I'm going to tell you EXACTLY why that is NEVER going to happen again, understand?"

Naruto could only gulp and nod fearfully.

* * *

><p>After their... 'discussion', a smiling Teuchi and a very battered-looking Naruto made their way to the ramen shop, Naruto practically falling onto a stool as he lay his head down on the counter and let out a loud groan. Ayame, who'd been working the stall, gasped when she saw her boy-toy. "Oh Kami! What happened to you Naruto-kun? Are you alright?" She asked worriedly, brushing Naruto's bangs out of his face so she could inspect him better.<p>

"Heh... Jus' peachy..." Naruto mumbled with a nervous grin, Teuchi glaring at him from behind Ayame's back while he donned his apron. "Yeah, 'm alright..."

"Okay then..." Ayame trailed off, clearly unconvinced. "Do you want something to eat?" She asked.

"Sure, sounds great!" Naruto exclaimed, suddenly perking up at the thought of ramen.

"Alright then." Ayame giggled, fixing a plain bowl for her favorite customer. Glancing around, she noticed that her dad's back was turned, so, before Naruto could even dig in, Ayame leaned over the counter, grabbing a startled Naruto by the back of his head and pulled him into a searing, if brief kiss, her tongue swirling around in his mouth. "There you go, a little 'special flavoring'." She whispered with a giggle, straightening up as Teuchi turned back around, completely oblivious, wondering why Naruto was sitting there slack-jawed, his ramen untouched.

"Hey kid, you alright?" Teuchi asked, his tone becoming suspicious after a few moments passed.

Naruto blinked, coming to his senses. "Huh? Yeah... I was just thinking about our talk earlier, believe it!" He said in a rushed tone, digging into his food with gusto.

"Alright..." Teuchi still looked suspicious though.

Seeing this, Ayame slapped her father on the shoulder sharply. "I knew it! You did something to Naruto-kun, didn't you?" She demanded.

"But sweetie-!" Teuchi tried to defend, cowing in front of his daughter's feminine fury.

That earned him another shoulder smack. "Don't you 'sweetie' me daddy! How do you ever expect me to get a boyfriend if you keep acting like this? I can't believe you! I'm sixteen dammit! Don't you trust me?"

"But- But- I know the two of you fooled around! You stayed at his apartment the entire night!"

"That's because I was teaching him about all the important stuff! I mean sure, Naruto's a real quick study, and he gave me excellent head-" Ayame slapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes going wide as she realized what she let slip.

"WHAT?" Teuchi roared, his face reddening as a large, throbbing vein popped up on his forehead. At the same time, Naruto dropped his chopsticks, his eyes bugging out in fear. Teuchi rounded on the young blonde, his eyes ablaze. "I'LL KILL YA!" He yelled, leaping up onto the counter, brandishing a rolling pin as if it were a cudgel.

"OH CRAP! SEXY JUTSU!" Naruto yelled out in a panic, resorting to his tried-and-true technique, transforming into his drop-dead gorgeous Naruko form. "You sure you wanna hurt this?" She pouted, crossing her arms under her generous bust to make it look even bigger.

"OH DAMN LOOK AT THEM TITTIES!" Teuchi yelled perversely, giving Naruko two thumbs up. "VERY NICE!" With that, blood started to spurt out of his nose, and he passed out with a huge grin on his face.

"And Naruto wins once again!" Naruto boasted with a grin, transforming back. "I kinda feel bad for havin' to use it on the old man like that though..." He said, scratching the back of his head.

Ayame giggled. "Don't worry Naruto-kun, I'll take care of daddy, you just get out of here, alright?"

"Sure thing!" Naruto said happily, glad that he wouldn't have to deal with Teuchi's ire. "You gonna be alright though?" He asked.

Ayame giggled again. "Don't worry Naruto-kun, I can handle him easily enough, go on. Oh! One more thing-!"

"Huh?" Naruto looked back, only to blink in surprise as Ayame flashed her breasts at him, then quickly pulled her shirt back down, a light blush on her smiling face. "Nice!" He exclaimed, giving a thumbs-up.

And then he was gone into the night.

* * *

><p>Naruto was walking down a street, patting his half-full belly and smiling- Today was a damn good day overall! Humming, he turned the corner of a building-<p>

-And ran smack into someone, the two of them going down in a tangle of flailing limbs. _"Wh- I feel like I've been in this situation already..." _Naruto wondered when he finally regained his senses. So, he took a deep whiff... And then an experimental lick. Yup- He was face-to-muff with a woman, for the second time in a twenty-four hour period.

"What the hell do you think you're doing brat?" A familiar voice snarled. Before Naruto could even reply, a pair of strong jaws clamped on the back of his jacket, pulling Naruto roughly off the woman he'd fallen into- Looking Up, Naruto noticed that it was Kuromaru that had hold of him, and Tsume was getting up, brushing herself off. "Do you realize what you just did to me brat?" She asked in a dangerous tone, reaching out and grabbing Naruto by the top of his head. "NOBODY licks me there without my permission and gets away. And don't think that I haven't talked to your sensei, he told me about a LOT of interesting things that happened today. " She grinned ferally. "I Think you need to be punished."

"MOMMY!" Naruto screamed shrilly, trying to wiggle free as Tsume pulled him down the street.

"Someone's gotta act like it, and you'll be screamin' a lot more by the time I'm done!" Tsume laughed, heading for the Inuzuka clan compound.

-End-

A/N– Whew! Another one done! And my personal favorite so far! With the exception of the Tora bit, this chapter just wrote itself, and went so long that I've decided to set back what I'd originally planned for this chapter to the next one.

Heh, pervy enough for you people yet? Or do you demand more?

-Omake 2-

It was late at night, the moon hidden by clouds as a shadowy figure stealthily snuck into the Konoha Academy. Without a sound, the figure slunk towards the boy's bathroom, looking everywhere for signs of anyone else, and, finding none, reached up and pulled the mask off, revealing none other than Naruto. "Heh heh, time to break the rules! I don't see what's so bad about this anyway!" He chuckled, going into a stall and grabbing the toilet paper, jerking it out- and when it passed the third piece...

... Konan's face, on a piece of paper was revealed! "What the fu-" Naruto started, when the paper holder burst apart in a flurry of TP, which quickly wrapped around the boy, subduing him.

Her job done, Konan turned on her radio transmitter. "It's done, the Kyuubi jinkurichi has been captured. Returning to base." She reported.

"Good job Konan." Came Nagato's reply over the headset.


	4. Chapter 4, The Fox and The Hounds!

A/N– Whoa! More overwhelming support! Enough so that I was inspired to start this chapter in the same day that I posted the other one! Which is a full three days before my planned schedule!

Once again, I don't own Naruto (or the concept of 'Carlos', that belongs to Rodney Carrington, one of the funniest redneck comedians you'll ever see. Look him up on Youtube!)- Though I do wish I owned Harry Potter... Why? Because J.K. Rowling is quite literally a fucking BILLIONAIRE because of her series... Stephen King, one of the greatest writers of his generation, doesn't even have a billion dollars! Hell, I don't think he even has half that! I mean seriously- J.K. wrote only seven books, and she's stackin' Facebook numbers money because of it! Who wouldn't want a piece of that action?

... Think she'd wanna marry me?

Anyway! I'm just going to put this warning only once- My story, if you haven't figured out yet, will contain lemons, limes, oranges, and any other type of citrus fruit you can think of- If you haven't figured that out yet just by looking at the title of my story, or the direction that it's steadily been taking, then now you know.

... And knowing is half the battle!

*grins wickedly* now the only question is, just when will I start actually putting in said citrus scenes? C'mon now, my naughty little readers, tell daddy how bad you want it!

Anyway, this chapter is brought to you courtesy of ZZ Top's Woke Up With Wood.

-Chapter 4-

-The Fox and The Hounds!-

Naruto gulped as Tsume dragged him into the clan compound, towards the very same storehouse that Naruto and Kiba had received their previous punishment in, to the mild surprise of several clan members that they passed on the way. Naruto looked down at Kuromaru, who was trotting beside them. "Um... What's she gonna do to me?" He whispered to the dangerous-looking dog.

Kuromaru grinned. "You remember what she said she thought about doing last time? Most likely that." He answered with a toothy grin, his tail wagging.

Naruto gulped again, and was about to answer, when Tsume shook him. "Hey! The condemned isn't allowed to talk!" She barked, barely able to contain a chuckle at the frightened look on Naruto's face. "And don't think Kiba will be able to help you either- He's still out, training with his team." She finished, seeing Naruto's eyes dart around as he looked for any avenue of escape.

"But why'm I bein' punished?" Naruto whined, trying to turn the patented puppy-dog look on his captor. "All I did was-" He was shut up as tsume slapper her free hand over his mouth.

"Not a word, A WORD about that while we're where other people might overhear you, got it brat?" She said in a dangerous tone, her eyes narrowed. When Naruto nodded fearfully, She grinned ferally. "Very good." She purred, sliding open the door, then slamming it shut when they were inside, just the two of them.

"Hey! What about me!" Kuromaru barked from the other side of the door, scratching at the frame.

"Nah, this one I'm gonna take care of alone, sorry partner." Tsume called out, turning her attention to Naruto as she dropped him to the floor. "You ready for this brat?" She smirked, cracking her knuckles.

Naruto grinned hugely when he hit the floor. "Hah! I'm free! Now you're gonna pay!" He declared, jumping to his feet as he made a very familiar hand-sign. "Sexy Jutsu Revised!"In a burst of smoke, When it cleared away, in Naruto's place stood a tall, handsome man, with dark, olive skin, a chiseled complexion, and rock-hard body that would make any woman swoon. His large, almond-shaped, chocolate eyes staring soulfully at Tsume, running his fingers though his shoulder-length black hair...

... And he was completely nude, only a wisp of smoke barely protecting his modesty. "Why Hallo there..." He purred, his voice heavily accented. "You may call me Carlos... How may I be able to service you?" He asked, walking seductively towards Tsume, who was goggling at him, wide-eyed. "Shall you have Carlos show you a good time?" the wisp of smoke disappeared at that.

Outside, Hana, who'd been secretly watching, slumped backwards in a faint, blood leaking from her nose with a perverted grin on her face.

Back inside, 'Carlos' was walking towards a dumbstruck Tsume, sashaying his hips and swinging like Tarzan, that seductive smirk still on his face. "Like what you see?" he lilted, reaching up to cup her face with one hand as he gazed lustfully into her eyes.

Tsume blinked once... then grinned, letting loose with a right haymaker that caught him in the face, throwing Naruto into the far wall and transforming him back, rubbing his bruising cheek as he lay there, stunned. "-You hit me!" he gasped, blinking stupidly.

Tsume barked a harsh laugh, crossing her arms under her ample chest. "You better believe it, you snot-nosed punk! It takes more than a pretty face and a big banana to get me hot and bothered! If you're gonna try some shit like that, then you'd better be ready to try and tame me, 'cuz I like me a good fight to get my motor running!" She grinned ferally, crouching a bit. "Now then... I believe your punishment is in order?"

"Fuck you, bitch!" Naruto yelled, raising both middle fingers as a final act of defiance before Tsume shoulder-tackled him, send both of them rolling across the floor for a few feet before finally skidding to a halt, Tsume sitting cross-legged on the floor, Naruto laying across her lap, derriere high in the air.

"Heh, you only wish you could fuck my fine ass you lil' bastard! I'm about to wear yours out though!" Tsume snorted, grabbing the back of Naruto's pants, pulling them down to expose his bare butt. "Here we go-!" With that, she gave an experimental smack.

"Ow- huh? Heh, if that's the best you've got then this might be a cake-walk- kinda kinky really! I think I'm gonna like this!" Naruto boasted, leering in a perverted manner while he wiggled his booty. "C'mon baby, lay it to me!"

... And then the second lick fell, much harder this time, with a resounding 'WHAP!' "OH GOD THAT STUNG LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!" Naruto screamed shrilly, suddenly struggling in Tsume's iron grip. "C'mon, let me go! Please?" He begged, looking over his shoulder and giving Tsume the best puppy-dog pout he could pull, large tears welling in his eyes, which were shining pleadingly.

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! Naruto's answer came in the form of getting his ass blistered by Tsume's hand, causing the preteen to give a pained yell, tears leaking out of his eyes. "You licked my pussy brat! You ain't gettin' off that easy!" Tsume barked, continuing to paddle Naruto, who yelped with each hit. When she finally finished, she pushed Naruto off of her lap, where he landed in a heap as she stood up, his now bright-red booty still high in the air. "Heh, you look like a baboon!" She laughed, pointing.

"Owie! Why did you do that?" Naruto cried, gingerly rubbing his abused bum, trying to ease the pain.

Tsume smirked, crouching down next to him. "Because you licked the forbidden fruit kid, and needed to be taught the consequences of your actions." She replied seriously."That being said... Give you a few years to grow up, and who knows... ?" She whispered huskily in his ear, leaving the question lingering in the air-

-And then she was gone, the door sliding closed behind her. "Gah! Such a mean woman!" Naruto grumbled as he continued his ministrations, not wanting to even move until the pain subsided. Without warning, the door slid open again, the sound alerting Naruto. "Come back for more? I'll beat ya thi-" His words were cut off as he looked back, and instead of seeing who he expected, Hana was sliding the door closed with one foot, her hands behind her back, and a shit-eating grin on her face. "What, you want a piece of this too?" He blustered, though his brave front was countered by the fact that his cheeks were almost as red now as his... Well, his other cheeks, being caught in the position he was in.

Hana pouted playfully. "Aw, don't tell me that you're gonna treat me like that... Since I brought this." She brought out a bottle of lotion from behind her back, waving it teasingly. "You want it?"

Naruto huffed, puffing his cheeks in indignation. "Well, I ain't exactly in the best of shape to get up and get it, you'll have to give me a few minutes." He replied, referring to his current position.

Hana giggled, swaying her hips as she walked towards the young blonde. "Then you'd better be glad I'm here to... give you a hand, huh?" She asked with a smirk, sitting down cross-legged beside the boy, squirting some lotion into her hands and rubbing them together.

"Huh? What're yo- Yeow! That's cold!" Naruto complained in shock as Hana's hands began to deftly kneed his sore bum, a sigh of relief quickly followed though as his cheeks began to feel better, the stinging sensation beginning to leave. "Heh, thanks, I guess you really are nice after all- I'm feeling a lot better!" He exclaimed giddily.

Hana's smirk grew into a full-blown grin, her hands latching onto Naruto's hips, bemusing the young teen. "You remember what I said the other night?" She asked.

"Uhhh... Maybe?" Naruto blinked confusedly- obviously he didn't.

Hana sniggered, pulling Naruto into her lap, her breasts squishing against his shoulders. "I think maybe you're old enough after all..." She whispered seductively in his ear, squirting more lotion into one of her hands. "Now then, I'm gonna make you feel a LOT better... 'Carlos'." She giggled, causing Naruto to blush deeply as she reached around his waist, her wriggling fingers wrapping around his rapidly hardening member. _"Holy shit!" _She thought in surprise, her eyes going wide as she looked over Naruto's shoulder to see just what she was grabbing.

Elsewhere, a sleeping Manda the Snake King, opened one giant baleful eye, hissing mightily.

Naruto blinked confusedly, tilting his head to look into Hana's gob-smacked face. "Hey, you okay?" he asked, confused as to why she'd stopped.

Hana blinked a few times, then grinned. "Oh yes, oh yes indeed." She lilted, reaching up with her other hand and grabbing him by the top of his head, pulling it to the side to expose his neck. "You're mine now, baby." With that, she bit down lightly on Naruto's neck and started to suck, causing Naruto to groan in ecstacy as she began to stroke with her other hand, and a whapping sound of a different nature began to echo through the room.

* * *

><p>A short time later, Kiba came barreling into his mother's house in the compound, grinning like a loon with Akamaru yipping excitedly at his heels. "Mooom! I'm hooome!" He called out, taking his shoes off. "Is dinner ready yet? I'm starving! Kurenai-sensei worked us to the bone!"<p>

"Hey son." Tsume called back lazily from the kitchen. "I just started, but dinner will be ready soon, why don't you go get a bath? I can smell ya from in here!"

"Alright!" Kiba called back. "Come on Akamaru." He said, making his way towards the bathroom, the small dog trotting beside him. Entering the small changing room, Kiba quickly finished getting undressed, throwing his dirty clothes in the hamper and getting his bathing supplies together and putting them in his bathing bucket, holding it under one arm along with his towel, opening the sliding door with his other...

... And blinked stupidly as Hana, who was already in the tub, her face and neck flushed red and breathing hard, looked up at him, the two locking eyes for just an instant...

... Then both looked down at Kiba's naked body, before looking up at each-other again. "KIBA YOU LITTLE PERVERTED TWERP! GET OUTTA HERE!" She screamed, chucking her own bathing bucket at the stunned teen's face, nailing him between the eyes and knocking him back into the changing area.

"Waah! I'm sorry sis!" Kiba yelled frightfully, quickly shutting the door back and pulling his skivvies back on and rushing out of there as fast as he could possibly go, Akamaru on his heels.

Back in the bathroom, Hana huffed, pushing her hair back with her hands. "Stupid little brother." she muttered darkly.

Without warning, a mess of wet blonde hair broke the surface as Naruto came up, gulping loudly. "Wah! Air! Precious air!" he gasped, rubbing his face with his hands. "Were you just saying something?" he asked, looking at Hana innocently.

Hana smirked. "Weeell..." She droned. "I was about to start yelling 'Oh Kami!' But someone just HAD to stop, didn't you? Get back down there, you aren't done yet!" She ordered playfully, dunking Naruto back below the surface and held him there, her giggles turning into moans of pleasure as he resumed his ministrations.

* * *

><p>Half an hour later, Kiba was laying on his bed, reading a basics scroll on genjutsu that Kurenai-sensei had given him and his teammates, when a knock came at his door. "Hey twerp." Hana said nonchalantly, letting herself in. "Bathroom's free now."<p>

Setting the scroll down, Kiba sat up, looking at his sister. "Hey, thanks!" He replied. "I'm sorry about walkin' in on ya though, I didn't know you were in there." He apologized, sheepishly scratching the back of his head.

Hana smirked, walking over to ruffle Kiba's hair. "It's alright, I'll forgive you this time. Just don't let it happen again, or I'll have to kick your ass." She replied easily. "Anyway, the bath is running for you. I just thought you should know though, your friend Naruto is in there already. I already threw his clothes in the wash, so can he borrow one of your outfits? You guys are about the same size." She asked.

Kiba blinked at that. "Huh? Naruto's here? How come? And why'd you put his stuff in the wash if he didn't have anything else?" He asked, confused.

Hana shrugged. "He did something, and it pissed mom off, so she gave him an ass whipping. And..." She remembered just WHY They'd needed to strip Naruto, throw his clothes in the wash, and put him in the bath in the first place, it'd gotten... Everywhere. "Eh, his clothes were just really dirty- his sensei must've worked them into the ground or something." She finished with a shrug.

Kiba laughed at that. "Hah! Leave it to the class clown to get in trouble with mom!" He sniggered, imagining his friend's misfortune. "I ain't sharin' underwear with him though! That's just gross!" He made a face.

Hana smirked as well. "Anyway, mom said dinner should be ready in about ten minutes or so, so you better get washed up." With that, Hana ruffled Kiba's hair one last time, then left to go help their mother with the dinner preparations.

* * *

><p>Kiba walked into the changing room, a spare set of clothes under his arm. "Hey Naruto, you still in there?" He called out.<p>

"Nope, I'm runnin' around your family's compound with my junk just flappin' in the breeze." Came the amused reply, getting Kiba to chuckle at the amusing thought of just how horrified some of the clan members would be, seeing a naked kid running around outside... At least, he figured they'd be horrified anyway.

"Yeah well, I brought ya a change of clothes." He announced, setting said bundle down so that he could start stripping down himself.

"You ain't expecting me to wear a pair of your jockeys I hope? 'Cuz to be honest, that'd just be gross."

Kiba snorted. "Yeah, tell me about it. You'd better still have your own, I don't want you freeballing in my pants!" He demanded.

The door slid open, revealing Naruto standing there in nothing but a towel, squinting at Kiba. "Please, there is such thing as honor amongst men you know!" He retorted, reaching down and retrieving his boxers off the floor.

"Huh, I figured that you would've had some stupid pictures of fishcakes on your boxers or something." Kiba commented, noting the plain orange underpants that Naruto was pulling on before handing him the outfit he'd gotten for him.

This caused Naruto to laugh, pointing at Kiba's own boxers, which had little doggies printed on them. "Kinda like that?" He teased.

"Shut up!" Kiba groused, removing said undergarment and tossing it in the laundry before wrapping a towel around his waist. "So, you gonna be staying for dinner?"

Naruto blinked at that, crossing his arms over his chest as he squinted again. "I dunno, would your mom be cool with that?" he asked, trying to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice at the thought of being able to sit down and eat with an actual family.

Kiba shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't see why not, she always makes a pretty big meal anyway, and she seems to have taken a liking to ya, or she wouldn't treat ya the way she does. Meh, I don't know."

Naruto grinned, slapping Kiba's shoulder. "Well, I'd better go ask then huh? You better hurry up and get a beth while you still can!" He exclaimed.

Kiba's eyes widened comically at that. "Oh crap, you're right! Hana said I only had ten minutes!" he yelped, grabbing up his bathing supplies and running for the bathroom, sliding open the door-

-"Why hello there big boy, are you here to... 'Wash' me?" Cooed a sultry-looking blonde woman who was standing on the other side, leaning forward and cupping her breasts, giving Kiba an ample look.

"GAH!" Kiba yelped, blood gushing from his knows as he flew backwards, unconscious before he even hit the floor, blood pooling around his head as he grinned perversely, his towel tenting.

"Wah ha ha! Got'cha dog breath!" Naruto cackled hysterically, pointing at Kiba's unconscious form as his sexified shadow clone disappeared in a poof of smoke. Still giggling, Naruto pulled out a marker and doodled on Kiba's face before running off to see if Tsume would really let him join them for dinner.

He'd almost felt bad for his prank... Almost.

* * *

><p>A short time later found Tsume, Hana, Kiba, and Naruto sitting around a low table, eating a large, hearty meal that consisted of mostly meat. It was unusually quiet, with Kiba shooting Naruto the occasional glare, Hana smirking at the blonde every time she looked at him, a small blush to her cheeks...<p>

... And Tsume? She was just sitting there, an unreadable expression on her face, her gaze occasionally darting to the large hickey on the side of Naruto's neck, and her nostrils flaring. "Naruto..." She finally started after she was done.

"Hmph?" The blonde grunted intelligently, his mouth full of sausage, looking up at Tsume with a curious expression.

"You smell... REALLY strongly... Of Hana." It wasn't even an accusation, just a simple statement- One that caused Naruto to start choking, his eyes bulging out comically, even as Hana did a spit-take, spraying Kiba with her tea.

"Wh-wai-! We-I-Uh-!" Both of them stammered at the same time, surreptitiously getting ready to bolt from the table.

"Huh? What's so bad about that?" Kiba asked, confused, wiping the tea from his face and shooting his older sister a small glare.

Tsume gave both Naruto and Hana a flat stare, stilling them with fear. "I'll let it slide just this once... But I'd better never actually catch you at it... And if you're bumping uglies? You better believe you're getting married that same day, you understand?" She growled.

Naruto gulped, nodding fearfully, while Kiba's mouth dropped open at the accusation, pointing at the two of them wordlessly.

Hana gulped, nodding, even as she sent a silent prayer that her mother NEVER found out that she had actually had sex before, even if it had only been twice.

"Wait!" Kiba suddenly slapped his hands down on the table, his eyes still wide. "You mean that the two of you have been, like, making out and stuff?" He questioned, bewildered. "Are you guys dating or something?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head nervously, looking pointedly away, while Hana blushed crimson. "Well, not really- It was a kinda heat of the moment thing. Sorry mom." She quickly apologized, answering Kiba's question at the same time.

"Uh, yeah! Sorry mom!" Naruto quickly parroted, bowing his head deeply, not realizing what he'd said.

Everything stopped at that, even a lone cricket that had been chirping outside. "Uh, did I say something wrong?" Naruto asked, confused, still scratching the back of his head.

"You-" Kiba's mouth dropped open in shock.

"You-" Hana started at the same time, was the kid trying to say something with that? Wait... He didn't REALLY want to marry her, did he?

"You... You called me... mom?" Tsume gasped quietly, her eyes widening.

Naruto blushed scarlet at that. "Uh-Um-Oh... I'm... I'm sorry..." He murmured, bowing his head.

Suddenly, Naruto was surprised to find himself being pulled into a gentle hug, Tsume having come over to him without his realizing it. "It's ok..." She replied softly, stroking his hair, his face nestled against her breasts. "It must have been hard, growing up alone. You don't have to be sorry, it's alright." She cooed, continuing to stroke his golden locks.

Hesitantly, Naruto reached up, tentatively returning the hug he was receiving, unused to this kind of warm feeling. "Th-thank you..." Came his muffled reply. Was this... Was this what love really felt like?

Tsume smiled softly, while Hana and Kiba stood off to the side, Hana squeezing the life out of Kiba with her own hug, tearfully watching the scene unfold.

"You're welcome... Son..."

* * *

><p>That night, Naruto and Kiba lay in Kiba's room, Kiba in his bed, and Naruto on a futon on the floor beside him, his arms crossed underneath his head as he looked up at the ceiling. "Hey, Kiba?" He started uncertainly.<p>

"Yeah?" Kiba asked, turning onto his side so that he could look down at his friend.

"I... I just wanted ta say thanks man. You've got an awesome family. It's... It's nice, just bein' treated normally for once..." His face darkened in a slight blush, unused to being so open with how he felt.

Kiba couldn't help but feel a little bad about that- He'd been one of the kids that had made fun of Naruto in the academy after all... Well, that had been everyone actually, except for a few people- Shikamaru, who just found it too troublesome, Chouji, who didn't like to pick on people, Shino and Sasuke, both of who which just seemed to ignore the blonde, and Hinata, who seemed to have really taken a shine to the boy in question. "Hey, it's no problem dude. I'm just sorry for how I used ta treat ye, you know? You're actually pretty cool Naruto." He apologized.

Naruto waved a hand dismissively. "Hey, Hey! Don't worry about it, alright? The past is the past, there's no reason to worry about it!" He replied easily. "I just think it's cool that we're hanging out now, y'know?"

Kiba laughed at that. ""Yeah, well if you keep up with mom like that, or if you keep mackin' with my sister, we might wind up bein' brothers!" He laughed.

Naruto smiled. "That would be... Nice..." He quietly agreed. He never told anyone, and he probably never would, but his greatest wish wasn't to become Hokage, it was to be able to say he was part of a family.

Kiba chuckled. "Yeah, maybe then I wouldn't be quite so outnumbered!"

"Hey Kiba?" Naruto asked, a grin spreading across his face.

"Yeah?" Kiba was curious about what Naruto wanted now.

"If I married your mom, would you call me... daddy?"

Naruto's answer was a pillow smacking him in the face while he laughed.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Naruto was sound asleep, happily dreaming of several naked girls swimming around in a pool of ramen, with him right in the center, when suddenly he was rudely awakened by something being held over his mouth. His eyes snapping open, Naruto prepared to fight off his assailant, only to spot Hana, who was leaning over him, making a shushing motion. 'Follow me, and don't wake the twerp up.' She mouthed silently, before lifting her hand from his mouth and sneaking back out of Kiba's room.<p>

Curious, Naruto got up to follow Hana, stealthily following behind her, making sure not to wake Kiba as he left. Following Hana down a hall, Naruto couldn't help but to admire her shapely behind, which was covered by a fluffy pink robe. Finally, the duo got to Hana's room, and after Naruto entered, she followed behind him, shutting the door behind her. "Sit." She ordered, pointing to her bed.

Naruto promptly complied, sitting down on the bed as he looked at Hana, who followed suit. "What's up?" He asked, squinting his eyes and tilting his head to the side, watching the older girl.

Hana sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "Listen kiddo..." She started. "I don't want things to be weird between us or anything, but I'm just not looking for a boyfriend, y'know? I was just wanting to have some fun- And while you were pretty fun, I don't want a serious relationship with anyone right now. I want to be known as my own person. Understand?" She asked.

Naruto grinned, nodding. "Yeah, I got'cha. I wasn't exactly lookin' for a serious relationship with you either. That whole thing was completely out of the blue." He agreed.

Hana let out a sigh of relief- Usually, someone would equate what they did with emotional attachment. "That's good." She smiled. "Now that we've got the awkwardness out of the way, you're pretty damn talented with your tongue, and I'm not opposed to being friends... with benefits." she licked her lips sultrily. "And who knows, maybe in the future, we can even be fuck buddies."

Naruto grinned, scooting closer to Hana. "I'm definitely cool with that." With that, he grabbed her robe by the shoulders, pulling it open enough to reveal that Hana wasn't wearing anything underneath. "Oh, you naughty girl." He grinned even wider, moving in to kiss her neck.

Without warning, Hana shoved Naruto back down until he was laying on the bed, confusing the teen. "Oh, you don't have any idea yet just how naughty I can be, but you're about to find out, 'Carlos'." She said with a sultry grin, taking off her robe and letting it fall in a heap. Before Naruto could say anything, Hana straddled his chest. "Now then... You ready to begin?" She grinned, turning around on top of him and bending over, giving him a perfect up-close view of her most private area while she unzipped his pants, pulling his little man free. "This is called the sixty-nine."

"I'd call it... Perfection." Naruto replied with a grin, grabbing Hana's hips and bringing his face right into the thick of it, his swirling tongue leading the way.

* * *

><p>And so two weeks passed without much incident... With a few notable exceptions that is.<p>

The first came a few days after Naruto had spent the night at the Inuzukas, when Team Seven was hired to preform some simple roof maintenance for an old couple. Sakura had been walking along the edge of the roof, bringing supplies to Kakashi and Sasuke, when suddenly one of the tiles that she stepped on slipped out from under her, pitching the young girl off the roof. "Sakura!" Kakashi exclaimed, reaching for his falling student, only to miss by a half-inch.

The only thing that stopped him from leaping after his student was Naruto's loud yell. "I got ya Sakura-chan!" He exclaimed, positioning himself to catch her falling form, the two of them collapsing to the ground to disperse the impact, Sakura laying on top of Naruto, who had his arms wrapped around her waist.

"Thank you Naruto." Sakura breathed a sigh of relief, thankful for once for the blonde knuckle-head, patting his hands, which were still wrapped around her waist.

Naruto grinned. "I'm just glad you're safe." He replied sincerely.

Sakura nodded. "Yea-KYAAA!" She suddenly screeched.

"Huh?" Naruto grunted, confused. He was only grinding his crotch against her ass after all- perfectly acceptable, considering he'd just saved her, right?

"YOU FUCKING PERVERT!" Sakura screeched, slamming an elbow into Naruto's grinning face, driving his head into the ground, then getting up, storming off in a righteous fury.

"It... Was worth it.." Naruto replied weakly, giving a thumbs-up while Kakashi and Sasuke both sighed, shaking their heads at their teammate's antics.

* * *

><p>That night, Naruto was sitting on the roof of a building, eating onigiri, when he suddenly felt a presence behind him. Looking over his shoulder, he discovered that it was Sakura who was standing there. "Hey Sakura-chan, what's up? Want an onigiri?" He asked, offering one of the rice balls to her.<p>

"Thanks Naruto." Sakura replied, taking the offered food and sitting beside her teammate, looking out at the city. "Naruto... Why do you like me so much?" She suddenly asked.

Naruto stopped eating, looking down at the food in his hands. "It all started that one day..." He replied quietly.

"That one day? What day?" Sakura asked, confused.

Naruto couldn't help but look at Sakura. "You really don't remember?" he asked. Seeing Sakura shake her head in the negative, he had to let out a small laugh. "That figures." He chuckled. "Well, we'd just started at the academy..."

(Flashback)

A young Naruto, only five years old, was sitting on a swing, looking at the other kids with a blank stare, his eyes seemingly devoid of any emotion, his stomach grumbling while all of the other kids enjoyed their lunches.

Suddenly, a young Sakura came up to him, looking at him curiously. "Why're you sitting here all alone? Don't you have any lunch?" She asked.

"No..." Naruto monotoned, still staring straight ahead, his stomach rumbling lightly again.

"Well that's no good!" Sakura exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips. "Come on, my mom made me a big lunch, you can have some of mine."

Naruto looked up at her finally, his eyes wide and full of hope- someone was finally paying attention to him. "Really?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah!" Sakura replied with a grin, holding her hand out to him.

Hesitantly, Naruto took Sakura's hand, a small grin spreading across his face as well, his eyes finally showing some emotion.

"... Thank you."

(Flashback End)

Sakura gasped as the long-forgotten memory came back to her. "So that was when-" She trailed off, not knowing what to say.

Naruto nodded. "Yeah... Aside from Sarutobi-jiji, old man Teuchi, and Ayame-oneechan, you were one of the only people to ever be nice to me..."

"Naruto..." Sakura started.

"It's ok Sakura-chan."

With that, the two sat on the roof, eating the rice-balls in silence.

* * *

><p>The next incident came at the week and a half mark came when Naruto had another run-in with Kurenai and her team again... Quite literally.<p>

"Uhhh... Hi, Kurenai-sensei." Naruto trailed off, gulping as he looked up into Kurenai's face from her cleavage again. This time, it had been when Naruto started to exit from the missions office with his team, not knowing that Kurenai and hers were about to come through.

"And just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Kurenai growled, leaking killing intent which bore down on Naruto, while in the background Kiba was sniggering, Kakashi was giving him a thumbs-up, Sakura and Hinata both looked aghast, and Sasuke and Shino? They were staring each-other down.

"Ummm... Nothing?" Naruto laughed nervously...

... While his wiggling fingers slowly closed in on her breasts, fully intending on getting in as much groping as they could before she could kill him.

Unfortunately, before Naruto could claim his prizes, he was stopped as a small hand clamped around one of his wrists. Looking over to see who would stop him from caressing those heavenly domes, Naruto was quite surprised to find himself face to face with none other than Hinata, who had a strange gleam in her eyes. "Ano, Naruto-kun, but I don't think that would be a very wise move." She stated, a slight tremor in her voice.

"Indeed, you need to be punished." Kurenai growled, getting ready to bop the blonde.

"Ah-Ano, I will handle it sensei..." Hinata demurred, still holding onto Naruto's wrist.

Sakura decided to step in at that point herself. "No, no, you shouldn't have to worry about the idiot Hinata, I'll take over it from here." She replied, moving to grab Naruto herself.

"I said that 'I' will handle it." The venom in Hinata's voice caused both Sakura and Kurenai to take a step back, while Naruto looked at her with no small amount of horror- Who knew that sweet little Hinata could be so commanding?

"Mou, don't I get any say in this? I am his jonin sensei after all." Kakashi asked, scratching the back of his head.

Hinata turned her Hyuuga glare on said teacher. "No." She replied simply.

"I feel so left out..." Kiba whined, absolutely no one paying him any attention.

Sasuke and Shino, meanwhile, were still locked in their stare down.

"Come, Naruto." Hinata demanded, tugging on Naruto's wrist while walking towards the door.

"Can't someone help me?" Naruto pleaded, only for Kakashi, Kurenai, and Sakura to look pointedly away, ignoring the blonde, when Hinata shot them a withering glare from behind him. Bereft of options, Naruto hung his head and quietly followed Hinata, wondering just how badly he was about to be punished. "I need an adult!" he cried pitifully, the doors swinging closed behind him with an eerie finality.

"Whoa... Trippy." Kiba commented.

"Yeah, Hinata was acting pretty strange..." Sakura agreed, sweat-dropping.

Kurenai meanwhile, continued to stare at the door her favorite student left out of along with that... pervert. _"What caused you to finally loose your temper Hinata?" _She wondered to herself.

Sasuke... Finally broke his gaze away from Shino, unable to compete with his level of staringness. "You win this one, bug boy." He said shortly.

"I always win." Was the monotone reply.

* * *

><p>Outside, Hinata dragged a confused Naruto all the way to his apartment, kicking in the door before flinging Naruto inside, then shutting the door behind her, a hungry look in her eyes. "Uhhh... Hinata?" Naruto asked weakly, standing in front of his bed.<p>

Then Hinata pounced, tackling Naruto onto his bed, repeatedly kissing his face and neck before grabbing his hands, making him grab her boobs. "Feel them! FEEL THEM!" She demanded wildly.

"Ok! Ok!" Naruto cried, squeezing Hinata's breasts in fright. "I'm feeling! I'm feeling!"

"Good!" Hinata snarled, ripping open Naruto's jacket. "Is that a HICKEY?" She demanded, seeing the large bruise on Naruto's neck. "Oh, I don't care!" she continued before he could answer, bending forward so she could suckle on the other side of his neck while she ran her hands up under his shirt, feeling his bare body.

Finally Hinata let up, sitting up and straddling Naruto's legs so that he couldn't get away. Looking down, she saw the surprise and confusion in the young blonde's face at her suddenly fierce attitude "Ah-I-uh... Ano... What just happened?" She asked, finally coming to her senses, blinking confusedly.

"Uhh... I think you were about to rape me?" Naruto asked, a small amount of trepidation, and maybe some hope?

"Oh no!" Hinata cried out, covering her furiously blushing face with her hands as she flung her self off of Naruto. "I... I'm so sorry! I... I don't know what came over me!" She stammered, tears welling in her eyes.

"Hinata?" Naruto asked, growing concerned.

"Oh... You must hate me now! I'm so sorry!" Hinata started to cry, sobbing uncontrollably, covering her face with her hands.

"I don't hate you."

Hinata hiccuped, her sobs starting to settle a little as a warm hand settled on her shoulder. Peeking from between her eyes, Hinata saw Naruto's gently smiling face. "Ruh-really?" she asked hesitantly- a rejection right now would utterly crush her.

Naruto grinned, taking both of Hinata's hands in his own, pulling them away from her face. "Believe it." He replied softly, kissing Hinata's tear-streaked cheeks.

"Na-Naruto-kun..." Hinata stammered, blushing fiercely.

Naruto grinned. "If you wanna get back to what we were doing though, we can take a shower and I can get you clean... Real clean... And by that, I mean I'll eat you out until you squirt like a spray-bottle." he grinned pervertedly.

Hinata, her face lighting up even more, could only do one thing, and promptly passed out, collapsing bonelessly into Naruto's arms.

... Not that it stopped them from taking that shower after she woke up, of course.

* * *

><p>So yes, aside from those... incidents... The two weeks passed without much note.<p>

And so, on the final day of those two weeks, Team Seven was in the missions office, eagerly awaiting their first C-rank mission. "So... Shall I give you another D-rank mission today? I do believe that Tora managed to escape again." Sarutobi teased, lightly rolling the C-rank scroll across the table with one finger.

"Cut the crap old man!" Naruto complained. "I managed to go two whole weeks without causing any trouble! I should get some kinda medal for that!"

"Hey! Don't talk to Hokage-sama like that!" Sakura yelled, bopping Naruto over the head while Kakashi sighed.

Sasuke, for his part, just glanced away. "Dobe..." he muttered under his breath.

Sarutobi chuckled heartily at the amusing scene. "Fine, fine." He said dismissively. "I do believe that I've already chosen the perfect mission for you..." He muttered, rolling open the scroll.

Naruto perked up at that. "Are we gonna be saving a country from an invading force? Maybe stopping an evil tyrant? Or are we escorting some super-important person? Huh? What're we doin' Jiji?" He asked excitedly.

Sarutobi chuckled again. "Well... You will be escorting someone..." He trailed off, motioning to one of the other ninja in the room. "If you would, fetch the client, Tazuna, for me."

-End-

A/N– Whoa! There's another chapter done! Man, this thing just kinda wrote itself! I'd originally had planned on having the team well on their way to Wave by the end of the chapter, but it just didn't work out that way! So next chapter will be the beginning of the Wave Arc, and it's looking to be a doozy!

Anyway, here's to hoping that you enjoyed!

-Omake 3-

It was late at night, the moon hidden by clouds as a shadowy figure stealthily snuck into the Konoha Academy. Without a sound, the figure slunk towards the boy's bathroom, looking everywhere for signs of anyone else, and, finding none, reached up and pulled the mask off, revealing none other than Naruto. "Heh heh, time to break the rules! I don't see what's so bad about this anyway!" He chuckled, going into a stall and grabbing the toilet paper, jerking it out- and when it passed the third piece...

... Nothing happened... It was just another square of toilet paper. "What the hell? Man, that was so lame and anti-climatic!" Naruto complained, deciding to use all of the toilet paper to TP the academy.


	5. Chapter 5, The Swiss Army Jutsu!

A/N– Well then! *sighs dramatically* It seems that no one, other than Ragnarok Warrior that is, wants the citrus, so I guess there won't be any yet...

... Except for the lime scene near the beginning of the chapter, because Ragnarok voted for one. So that's what ya'll get- Just one.

... For now, in any case.

Anyway, one of the best lines ever uttered on Robot Chicken is somewhere in the story, can ya spot it?

That being said, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has reviewed so far- you guys make me feel appreciated.

Anyway! I don't own Naruto. Copyright belongs to Kishimoto, along with the various companies that publish it.

This chapter is brought to you by Monty Python's Sit on My Face.

-Chapter 5-

-The Swiss Army Jutsu!-

Team Seven, who was waiting in the missions office for their client, turned to the door when it started to slide open, revealing a shadowed figure that was silhouetted against the sun, which was shining through a window behind the person... And then the door shut, revealing the figure to be an obviously drunk old man, who glared at the team, taking a swig from his sake jug. "Who the hell are these brats?" He asked shortly.

"Uh, this is your team, Tazuna sir." Iruka replied, chuckling nervously while scratching the back of his head.

"Feh, they all look useless, especially the short idiot." Tazuna snorted.

Naruto snorted laughter himself, looking to see who the short one was... and noticed, standing between Sasuke and Sakura, that he was the short one... And both of his teammates were trying (and failing) to hold in their own snorts of amusement. "HEY! Whadda ya mean by that ya old bastard?" He demanded, pointing at Tazuna.

That got a raised eyebrow. "That I'd probably be safer by myself than with you?" For some reason, that didn't even really seem like a question.

"Why I oughtta-" Naruto started, his fingers forming a familiar seal...

"NO!" Sarutobi, Iruka, and Kakashi shouted at the same time, appearing around Naruto, Kakashi holding Naruto's hands while Iruka held him in a headlock and Sarutobi karate-chopped the top of his head. "Naruto, we don't need the client dying of blood loss." Sarutobi chastised.

"Don't worry, I can personally guarantee that me team is more than ready, and I myself am an elite jonin, in case anything goes wrong." Kakashi tried to reassure Tazuna, who was sweat-dropping at the scene.

"Whatever." Tazuna finally said, waving them off dismissively. "Just make sure that you're ready to go when I am." He ordered.

"Man, I have a feeling that this is gonna suck worse than a kick to the giblets." Naruto dead-panned after Tazuna left, everyone else silently agreeing with him.

* * *

><p>Naruto sat at his favorite ramen stand, (earlier, the old man had, albeit begrudgingly, forgiven him (and that was probably helped by the fact that Ayame was standing behind him at the time with a rolling pin... of course.) Naruto was their best customer after all.) telling old man Teuchi and Ayame about the mission he was about to go on. "Man, this is gonna be terrible! The client sucks, the mission sounds like it's going to suck, and worst of all, I won't be able to eat any of your ramen while I'm gone!" He complained, pouting.<p>

Teuchi chuckled at that. "Well, that may be, but you know you could always carry a sandwich board with you while you travel, right? That way you can remember us, and advertise for the shop at the same time!" He laughed boisterously, slapping Naruto's shoulder.

Ayame frowned. " How long will you be gone Naruto-kun?" She asked worriedly.

Naruto shrugged his shoulders as he slurped down another bowl of plain ramen. "I dunno. We've gotta get the old coot there, then guard him while he finishes the bridge, and who knows how long that'll take!" He whined, a noodle hanging on the corner of his mouth.

Ayame giggled. "You're so cute Naruto-kun." She said, plucking the noodle off of Naruto's face and eating it, causing the young teen to blush, and Teuchi to give him a gimlet stare. "Daddy, I'll be back in a minute." She said, heading for the back.

"Where are you going sweetheart?" Teuchi asked, looking back at his daughter.

Ayame sighed, shaking her head. "Da-ad! I've gotta go do some 'private business'!" She replied with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh! You're going to the bathroom!"

Teuchi's answer was a sandal smacking him in the face.

Naruto watched with amusement as Teuchi peeled the sandal off and went back to making him yet another pot of ramen. "Hey Naruto, I've got a new recipe I want you to try out!" the old man exclaimed, setting out the ingredients. "I've thought about adding teriyaki eel in to see how it'd go. You interested?" He asked, already slicing up an eel.

"Sure thing old man!" Naruto heartily agreed- He'd need to get in as much ramen eating before going after all! Suddenly, Naruto felt a tug on his pants-leg, and looking down, was surprised to see a grinning Ayame looking up at him! 'Hey, what the heck are you doing?' He mouthed incredulously, looking up to make sure that Teuchi wasn't looking in his direction before his eyes darted back down.

Ayame smirked sultrily, licking her lips as she forced Naruto's legs open, sliding between them until her head was just inches from his crotch. 'I'm giving you a going away present.' She mouthed back with a giggle, reaching for his zipper.

'Hey, your old man is right there!' Naruto tried to smack away Ayame's probing fingers.

'Then I guess you'd better keep a poker face on then, huh?' Ayame ignored his feeble attempts to keep her at bay and pulled the zipper down, one hand slipping in to pull his penis out, and, with a few coercive strokes, got it semi-hard.

"Here ya go Naruto!" Teuchi exclaimed boisterously, putting the bowl of steaming ramen in front of the young teen, surprising him. "You alright kid?" He asked, seeing the bugged out look on Naruto's face.

"Ju-just fine." Naruto squeaked out as Ayame breathed on the head of his cock, then gave it an experimental lick.

"Well eat up!" Teuchi grinned.

"Yuh-you bet!" Naruto agreed shakily, quickly lifting the entire thing to his lips with trembling hands.

Then Ayame lifted his cock up with one hand and cupped his balls with her other, licking the underside of his shaft from the tip to the base, then began to suck on his nuts as she gently massaged his cock, making Naruto as hard as he'd ever been as she twirled her tongue around his sack.

"Well, how is it?" Teuchi asked.

Naruto gave the old man a shaky thumbs-up- There was no way he was putting the bowl down right then! If Teuchi saw his face, he'd know something was wrong, and the jig would be up!

Meanwhile, Ayame turned her attention back to Naruto's pecker, kissing it until she got to the tip again, and opened up, taking inch after inch of Naruto's rock-hard meat into her mouth, lightly sucking on it while she reached around with one hand and grabbed his ass, using her other to massage his balls, finally, she managed to get the entire thing in her mouth without gagging, and began to suck as hard as she could, her head bobbing up and down.

"Oh god!" Naruto gasped, slapping the table with one hand as he set the now-empty bowl down.

Teuchi grinned. " So ya like it? Want another?" He asked.

"Yes! Oh god yes!" Naruto squeaked out as Ayame began to hum, giggling mentally at her boy-toy's antics.

Teuchi laughed. "I didn't know it was that good!" He laughed, teasing the poor boy. "Huh, Ayame sure is taking a long time in there..." He mused, starting to prepare another bowl.

"I-It sure is..." Naruto moaned, his hips starting to buck lightly in rhythm with Ayame's bobbing, feeling like he was about to explode.

"There ya are." Teuchi said, placing the fresh bowl of teriyaki eel ramen in front of a shaking Naruto.

"I-I-I'm cumming!" Naruto groaned, quickly picking the bowl up and eating to hide his face as Teuchi looked at him curiously, wondering why he'd say such an odd thing-

-and cum Naruto did, exploding in Ayame's mouth, the girl greedily sucking down every drop of Naruto's sperm, making sure lick him clean while Naruto moaned, his head thunking down on the counter, making his 'O' face.

"Uhhh... Maybe I shouldn't serve teriyaki eel ramen after all, if it gets that kind of reaction..." Teuchi sweat-dropped, poking at the empty bowls with a stick.

Naruto could only groan weakly in response while Ayame quietly giggled, licking her lips.

* * *

><p>Team Seven, along with Tazuna, were walking along a road, Tazuna, Sasuke and Sakura looking curiously at Naruto, who had a weak grin on his face as he dragged his feet along. Kakashi... was reading his Icha Icha, giggling perversely. "Hey, is there something wrong with the blonde brat?" Tazuna whispered to Sakura.<p>

Sakura, for her part, continued to study Naruto curiously. "I don't know." She whispered back. "Hey Naruto, are you alright?" She called out worriedly.

Slowly, Naruto turned his head to look at Sakura... Then beamed widely, giving her a thumbs-up. "You bet! Believe it!" He replied cheerfully., then whipped out his own copy of Icha Icha Paradise, sticking his nose deeply into the book as he began to read.

"Right..." Sakura dead-panned, shaking her head with a sigh of defeat before turning to talk to Sasuke.

Tazuna, in the meantime, was looking curiously at the books that both Naruto and Kakashi were reading. "Hey, what are you reading?" he asked Kakashi, approaching the tall jonin.

Said jonin smiled at his client. "Why, only the greatest literature ever!" He replied enthusiastically, reaching into his pouch and pulling out another copy. "I always keep spares, just in case." He replied to Tazuna's questioning stare.

Taking the offered book, Tazuna looked down at it skeptically. "Well, uh, thanks." He replied lamely, opening the book to pass the time...

...Then flipped to the next page...

... Then the next...

"Kakashi-san?" Tazuna's grip tightened on the book.

"Yes?" Kakashi asked, looking up at Tazuna...

... Who was grinning broadly, unable to tear his eyes from the book. "This is the greatest thing ever!" He exclaimed, giggling perversely.

"I know, right?" Kakashi replied, giggling as well.

For his part, Naruto could only giggle in response.

Sakura sighed, palming her face. "Idiots... We're surrounded by idiots..." She moaned.

"Hn..."Was Sasuke's reply, his eyes cutting confusedly towards their blonde teammate.

* * *

><p>A few days later, the group were continuing their trek towards their destination, passing by a puddle... Which made Naruto realize that he really, REALLY had to pee. "Hold on a second guys! I've gotta drain the lizard!" he called out, standing over the puddle and unzipping his pants.<p>

"Naruto you perverted jackass! Don't go whipping it out in front of me like that!" Sakura yelled, moving to pummel Naruto.

"But sakura-!" Naruto whined, doing a pee-pee dance. "Please? I really gotta go! Believe it!" He pleaded.

"No wa-!" Sakura started, only to stop as she looked down, her face lighting up in a blush...

... Apparently the wily wienus was free already...

"Ah! What the hell Naruto? Fine! Just hurry up you perverted jerk!" Sakura snapped, her face cherry-red as she turned her back on Naruto. "... But don't think that's gonna keep me from kicking your ass after you're done!" She yelled.

Naruto shuddered at the thought of the impending beating, and turned to piss in the pudddle...

... When it suddenly burst upwards, revealing two dangerous-looking ninja connected together by a spiked chain! "Woogie-Boogie! You gonna get cut bitch!" snarled one of the masked ninja, both of them towering over Naruto.

"WAHHH!" Naruto screamed shrilly, his eyes bugging out comically as he started to piss... upwards, right into the face of the ninja that threatened him.

"Oh god, that's disgusting!" The nin yelled, stumbling back as he rubbed at his eyes, trying to get the piss out of them.

"Oh hell no, you pissed in my brother's face!" the other attacker roared, moving in for the kill, only for the still-screaming Naruto turned on him, the whizz still flying, splashing across the man's eyes. "GAH!" He yelled, stumbling back as well...

... To have Naruto kick him in the balls while Sasuke elbowed the man in the back of the head, Kakashi knocking the other one out with a swift chop to the neck while Sakura stood guard, scanning the area for any other threats. "Good job team!" Kakashi congratulated, picking up the two enemy shinobi.

* * *

><p>A short time later, the two, known as the demon brothers, woke up to find themselves without their equipment and tied to a tree, with a glaring Kakashi Hatake standing over them with his arms crossed, his team and the mark standing a small distance behind him. "So, looks like we failed." Gozu muttered.<p>

"Yeah, you know what we need to do brother." Mizu agreed... And both bit down hard...

...Only for nothing to happen. "Huh?" Mizu grunted, surprised.

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Looking for these?" he asked, holding up a pair of cyanide pills. "Yeah, I know who you guys are, demon brothers, and I'm not taking any chances." With that, he threw the pills into the forest. "So, care to tell me why two former Mist ninja were attacking my team and client?" He asked, his tone suddenly becoming very dangerous.

Mizu gulped, while Gozu sneered at Kakashi defiantly. "You may be hot shit, 'Copycat Kakashi', but give us some damn credit man, we aren't gonna roll over and talk that easily, even for someone like you." He spat.

Kakashi smiled, there suddenly becoming heavy as he released his killer intent. "Well, then... I guess we'll just have to resort to more... Asinine methods then, won't we?" He asked.

Gozu and Mizu had to look at one another at that. "Uhhh... Asinine? Don't you mean 'archaic', or 'draconian'?" Mizu asked, sweat-dropping while Gozu chuckled at the legendary shinobi's apparent stupidity.

Kakashi's answer was to snap his fingers. "Naruto, if you'd please?" He asked pleasantly.

"Yesss... YESSS...!" Naruto hissed, cackling like a mad scientist while rubbing his hands together. "I owe these two buffoons for startling me earlier..."

Sakura snorted at that, surprised that Naruto even knew what buffoon meant.

Kakashi clapped his hands together. "Excellent! Well, you kids have fun- I'll take Tazuna, Sasuke, and Sakura over that way a bit to prepare lunch." he said, motioning dismissively back towards the road.

Mizu snorted laughter at that. "What's this kid gonna do Kaka-shit? Dress us up with his hideous fashion sense? Bore us with tales of preteen love?" He asked Kakashi's retreating form in amusement, causing Gozu to burst out into peals of laughter.

Kakashi looked over his shoulder, smiling sinisterly. "Actually, Naruto has already told me what he's going to do, and let me say, what he has planned? Even a seasoned jonin wouldn't be able to put up under that kind of torture for long." He left his ominous words to hang in the air, disappearing through the tree line.

Gozu and Mizu looked at each-other, gulping, before looking at the evilly grinning blonde, who'd made a cross-shaped hand seal. "Uhhh... You wouldn't happen to be related to Ibiki Morino, head of Konoha's T&I Division, are you?" Gozu asked, beginning to sweat.

Naruto cocked his head to the side, squinting. "Huh? No, I don't think so." He replied with a shrug. "Anyway, let's get this over with, shall we boys? Shadow Clone Jutsu!" He called out, the area around them shimmering as fifty shadow clones came into existence.

"Huh? What're you gonna do with those? Beat the crap outta us?" Mizu asked, putting on a brave front.

"You only wish." Naruto replied, sniggering as he formed another hand sign. "Harem technique!" Suddenly, where several young boys had stood, now were that many beautiful naked blonde women, each one looking at the two brothers with bedroom eyes. "Why hello there..." One of the Narukos purred, sauntering over to Gozu, while another bent over in front of Mizu, giving him a full view. "Like what you see?" She asked in a sultry tone, causing both men to nearly faint, blood squirting out of their noses.

"Yuh-yes!" Mizu squeaked out, his eyes as wide as saucers as he stared.

"Heh, I didn't know you was actually a chick, baby, but don't think that giving us a little show will loosen our lips!" Gozu grunted, ogling the Naruko that had addressed him.

"Oh honey..." the Naruko said in a honeyed tone, licking her lips. "We haven't even gotten started yet. Ready for a... Puff-Puff?" She asked, squeezing her boobs together as she approached Gozu.

"Yes!" Gozu yelled happily, standing at full mast now, blood leaking from his nose in a steady stream. Mizu, for his part, could only stare stupidly as a pair of Naruko's approached him, his face on the same level as their waists.

"Well then..." Purred the one, her breasts inching closer and closer to Gozu's face... "Demonic Harem Technique!" They all suddenly yelled out, a huge cloud of smoke covering them all.

"What the hell?" Gozu squawked, startled, as his face was suddenly buried in the cleavage of a pair of large boobs...

... A pair of large hairy man-boobs! "Oh ja! Do yuu like ze poof-poof?" asked a high-pitched voice, the smoke clearing away to reveal that the clearing was now filled with large, super-fat hairy blonde guys! "Ja! Ve ah going to have SOOO much fun!" Squealed another of the fat guys as he and another pressed their obese bellies against Mizu's face, causing the poor man to throw up and almost faint when they finally pulled away. "Ah you ready to talk yet?" One of them tittered.

Gozu, on the other hand, was breathing raggedly as the 'Nah-ruto' pulled away, leaving his face covered in a sheen of sweat and chest-hair, some of which he spit out of his mouth. "Fuck you, you fat sonovabitch! I ain't tellin' you shit!" He yelled defiantly.

"Oh, yuu naughty boy." Twitted the Nah-ruto that had given him the devil's Puff-Puff. "If you ah going to be that way, then we will just have to use the Sphinctah Reamah!" He exclaimed, sending all of the others into a tizzy, clapping their hands excitedly as they chanted 'sphinctah-reamah' over and over.

"Did he just say-" Gozu started, looking at his brother.

"-Sphincter-Reamer?" Mizu finished weakly, gulping.

"Ja!" Exclaimed one of the Nah-rutos, as he and several others grabbed both Gozu and Mizu by their legs, forcefully spreading them apart as the others parted, revealing just one at the far back, his back turned to them. Turning around, he revealed that he was wearing a black welder's mask, and was holding something in his hands that could only be described in the most horrible of nightmares- a jackhammer with a two-foot obsidian dildo that was covered in jagged razors in place of a hammer-head. "Ah you ready?" The masked figure asked, his voice considerably deeper and more menacing than his brethren, and pulled the rip-chord on the jackhammer, the machine roaring to life as the dildo began to thrust back and forth ominously.

* * *

><p>At the temporary campsite, everyone looked up as a grinning Naruto finally appeared, several minutes after the heart-wrenching screams and pleas had stopped. "How did it go, Naruto?" Kakashi asked nonchalantly, stirring a pot of beans.<p>

Naruto shrugged his shoulders, taking a seat on a log. "They started singing after I 'brought out the toy' before I could actually use it on them- not that I would have of course, I'd never put my shadow clones through such a disgusting ordeal." He replied, taking a sip from a canteen. "They did, however, tell me a lot of interesting things though... Something about a man named Gato, who has hired high-ranked nukenin to kill you, I do believe?" He asked flatly, looking at a cowering Tazuna.

Kakashi's visible eye widened at that. "Gato? Tell me that you aren't talking about 'I'm a billionaire shipping company owner' Gato!" He exclaimed in disbelief, looking at Tazuna as well.

The old man sighed, hanging his head. "Yeah, that's him..." He replied heavily. "I'm sorry, to all of you, for deceiving you like this, but I'm afraid I didn't have a choice. You see-" He gulped, heaving another sad sigh. "-Gato has all but completely taken over our small island, and he is slowly, but surely choking the life out of us, hoping to get rid of us after he's extracted all of the profits that he can so that he can build a grand resort for the elite. I didn't want to have to do things like this, but I really don't see much of an option any more. Unfortunately, even with all of the money I could gather, the only thing I could afford was a C-rank mission..." he trailed off sadly.

Kakashi sighed, scratching the back of his head. "Man, this is bad, we're way in over our heads on this one..." He muttered, looking at Tazuna, then back to his team, who were conversing among themselves. "What's up?" he asked, curious.

After a few seconds more of talking, the three young teens simultaneously nodded their heads to each other, then turned to face Kakashi and Tazuna. "We're ready for this Kakashi-sensei! We can't just leave those people to suffer, believe it!" Naruto exclaimed, thrusting his fist out.

Sakura nodded. "Besides, it would look bad on Konoha if we took this mission, then quit at the first sign of danger, but if we managed to succeed, then it'll reflect really well on the village." She agreed.

"Hn..." Sasuke grunted agreeably as well.

Kakashi sighed, scratching his head as he turned to Tazuna. "Well, looks like you still have our services, Tazuna-san. But you'd better not be holding anything else out on us." He dead-panned, giving the old man a gimlet stare.

Tazuna, too choked up to say anything, could only bow deeply to the team.

* * *

><p>The team and Tazuna were walking along quietly, on the alert for anything, when Naruto suddenly sprung into action, throwing several shuriken into some nearby underbrush, startling everyone else with his sudden movements. Going over to investigate, Sakura found a frightened snow-colored rabbit cowering there, shuriken having peppered the area around it. "What the hell Naruto? You almost killed a cute lil' bunny!" She berated, bopping Naruto on the head.<p>

"I didn't know! I'm sorry Mr. Bunny!" Naruto cried out, shaking the poor bunny, which was now frothing at the mouth in a dead-faint.

Kakashi observed the rabbit, his visible eye narrowing. "_That's no normal bunny, it's been kept indoors. Whoever it was, Naruto managed to sense them and they barely got away with a substitution jutsu..."_ He mused thoughtfully, surreptitiously scanning the area... There! "Get down!" he yelled, tackling Tazuna to the ground as the genin ducked, a large blade sailing overhead, just inches above them, before angling upwards and slamming into a tree.

"Well, well, well... What do we have here? I do believe that it's the infamous 'Copycat' Kakashi..." Suddenly, a tall, skinny, shirtless man appeared, standing on the handle of the blade, the lower portion of his face hidden in bandages.

"It's an honor, 'Demon' Zabuza." Kakashi replied sarcastically, standing up.

Zabuza opened his mouth to reply- "Naruto." -and was promptly interrupted by the pink-haired girl behind Kakashi, surprising everyone when she spoke up.

"Yuh-yeah?" Naruto asked quietly, glancing in Sakura's direction.

"You are never, EVER, allowed to predict what's going to happen on a mission ever again!"

Everyone, even Zabuza, face-faulted at that.

-End-

A/N– Whew, done! I was originally going to post the Zabuza fight here as well, but something told me to end the chapter here in a cliffhanger, and post the battle next chapter!

Heh, so, what did you all think of my comedy/lime hybrid between Naruto and Ayame?

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!

Sorry folks, no omake this time, instead I've got a challenge, if anyone is interested- How would everything change if, in his last moments of life, Zabuza named Naruto his successor and gave him control of Kubikiri Bocho? How would such an event change Naruto's life, and thusly the future of the elemental nations? Aside from that, you can shape the story however you wish, if you are interested.


	6. Chapter 6, What a Pickle!

A/N– Well then! Despite the fact that the poll was messed up, and FF support staff never answered my questions, the tally is in! Unsurprisingly, Haku as a girl won out (which begs the question- why does everyone like Haku as a girl?) Now I myself don't really care, I'm an old school perv, and have been around the block a few times. (That being said, I think that I'm probably one of the only fans of Ranma ½ (great comedy manga, if you haven't read it, you should!) that wasn't hard on for Ranma's female form- even when he was a girl, I saw him as a guy, and I'm just not into dudes.)

Back on tangent! The poll results are as such-

Haku as a girl- 50 votes (cheers for the winners!)

Haku as a boy- 5 votes (sorry peeps, I was rootin' for ya! Honestly though, that was more votes than I expected.)

Haku as a hermaphrodite- 2 (which had me scratching my head, since it wasn't a choice.)

Haku as a pair of twins with the same name- 2 (once again, not an actual choice, sorry.)

So Haku is officially a girl in my story! To the voters that lost out, I'm sorry, but I'm a man of my word, and since I gave the choice, Haku is going to have lady bits. That being said, the hermaphy voters (specifically the first one, the second just helped me realize how funny the idea is going to be) gave me an idea for a super-hilarious scene, so it's dedicated to them, and the voters for a male Haku. Don't worry though, Haku WON'T have a penis.

Now, I did also consider making Haku male and taking an element from Ranma ½ where he has a gender-changing curse, but ultimately decided against it. (Though, it probably would make for a rather interesting story- A naruto story that involves the cursed springs of sorrows. XD just imagine it! Naruto could be cursed to turn into something funny like a cat, Sakura could get the pot-bellied pig curse, Haku could have the curse that would change him into a girl... XD And Sasuke could have the duck curse! Anyone interested?)

That being said, I don't own Naruto, copyright belongs to Kishimoto and the various companies that publish it.

Now since that is out of the way, on with the story! X_x My author's note has literally taken up nine-tenths of a page...

This chapter is brought to you courtesy of Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (seriously, just listen to that song- heck, just the TITLE, then tell me if it isn't about sex, even if unintentionally.)

-Chapter 6-

-What A Pickle!-

Everyone stood in the lightly misted clearing, looking at Sakura with dead-pan expressions, huge sweat-drops forming on the back of their heads. "Uhhh... Sakura?" Naruto asked, chuckling nervously while scratching the back of his head.

Sakura looked between everyone. "What? You know it's true! And I know you guys agree with me!" She snapped, pointing at Kakashi and Sasuke, who were standing close together.

"Mou, don't include me in this." Kakashi said, holding his hands up in defense.

Zabuza sighed heavily, massaging his temples with one hand. "Thanks a lot kid, way to ruin the dramatic ambience there!" He snapped irritably, getting the pinkette's attention. "How the heck are Kakashi and I supposed to set up an awesome pre-battle rapport where we both surreptitiously get ready to kill one another if you go around screaming about your teammate prophecizing about stuff, huh? Don't you have any respect for your seniors?" He continued to berate Sakura. "I mean seriously! Here me and Kakashi were, gearing up to have an awesome battle that would probably change the way you kids see things, and you interrupt us? How rude!"

Sakura's mouth dropped open as Naruto, Sasuke, and Tazuna face-faulted at Zabuza's words. "Wait- What? What-what-what? What the heck are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense!" she screeched, pointing at Zabuza accusingly. "Kakashi-sensei, can you believe what this buffoon is saying?" She asked, looking at her teacher incredulously.

"Ummm... I actually have to agree with Zabuza on this... You did a pretty bang-up job of killing the tension there." Kakashi replied sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. "Listen, when the big boys are playing, you should just sit back and watch, ok? This is a valuable learning experience after all." He nodded, agreeing whole-heartedly with Zabuza.

Sakura gaped like a fish, her mouth working open and closed soundlessly as she looked at her sensei in abject shock. "Wait-I-you-he..." Finally, she hung her head in defeat, exhaling loudly. "Idiots... I'm surrounded by idiots..." She despaired, shuffling her feet as she got into formation with Naruto and Sasuke.

Kakashi eye-smiled, looking up at Zabuza. "Well, now that that's out of the way, shall we continue our pre-battle banter? Where were we again?" He asked his enemy.

Zabuza waved a hand dismissively. "Forget it Kakashi, the brat completely killed the mood, I don't feel like talking anymore." He crouched down, reaching between his legs to grab the handle of his massive weapon. "Lets just get the fight on with already." With that, he disappeared with his sword, flickering back into view on top of a near-by pond, already forming a hand-seal as he channeled his chakra, his eyes closed in concentration.

"Shit!" Kakashi swore, grabbing the underside of his headband. "You guys stay out of this, Zabuza is out of your league." He ordered, hefting his protector up to reveal a fully matured Sharingan eye. "I'm probably going to have to go full out on this one."

Sasuke tensed, Kakashi being turned enough so that the team could see his special eye. _"Th-that's the Sharingan! But how? I thought only my clan possessed it!" _He thought, his eyes widening at the shock as he opened his mouth to say something-

"Whoa! Kakashi-sensei! You've got a really bad case of pink-eye! You sure you can handle this?" Naruto called out, cupping his hands around his mouth, causing everyone to fall over in a face-fault, sweat-dropping, and, as a consequence, causing Zabuza to lose his concentration as he fell over as well, his chakra dissipating harmlessly.

"GOD DAMMIT KAKASHI! CAN'T YOU GET YOUR STUPID-ASS GENIN TO KEEP FROM MAKING FUCKING DUMB-ASS REMARKS EVERY FIVE SECONDS?" Zabuza screamed shrilly, getting back up. "Ever since we started, all I've fucking heard is 'Oh Kakashi-sensei, my teammate is an idiot!' or 'Man, that looks like a pretty bad case of pink-eye!' Or even 'look at me, I'm some prissy-pants emo boy who's too stuck up to say anything.' I mean seriously! How stupid can they be?" He demanded, pointing at the genin, ignoring the fact that Sasuke had indeed refrained from saying anything, and really didn't need to be lumped in with the other two, as he was actually obeying orders.

...Not that it stopped Sasuke from pouting a bit, glaring at Zabuza over the emo remark, and inadvertently proving the rouge jonin's point.

Kakashi sweat-dropped, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Mou, sorry about my team Zabuza, but they are genin fresh out of the academy, having only graduated two weeks ago." He replied, somewhat defending his team's antics.

Zabuza sighed, rubbing his eyes again- yup, he could definitely feel a headache forming, he could only hope that it didn't become a migraine. "Really?" He dead-panned. "A fresh off the farm team, and you actually brought them on a C-rank? Are you really that arrogant when it comes to your own abilities?" He asked, his voice flat.

Kakashi waved a hand dismissively. "Mou, they actually are that good, believe it or not- You've got to remember, your being here kind of ups the level of the mission just a little bit." He replied, holding his thumbs and forefingers apart to help visualize how much tougher the mission was. "... but yes, my skills are just that good."

Zabuza face-palmed, resisting the urge to smack his head against a tree. "I hate to say it, but I agree with the pink-headed harpy." he stated blandly.

"Huh?" Kakashi tilted his head to the side in curiosity while Sakura let out a squawk of indignation.

Zabuza pulled down the lid of one of his eyes with a middle finger, flipping Kakashi off and making a face... somewhat anyway... at him at the same time. "You guys are all idiots, you stupid scarecrow head! Grey-haired old man!" He taunted.

"Mou, you're so mean Zabuza!" Kakashi complained. "There's no reason for that kind of talk, why don't we just have a nice, friendly fight to the death?" He asked hopefully.

Zabuza smirked under his bandages, crouching slightly. "Don't worry, I was already planning on killing you-" He started, his hands suddenly blurring through several seals as ten water clones formed, bum-rushing Kakashi with their swords drawn. "-but I'm gonna kill those stupid genin and the old drunk first!" He yelled, body-flickering towards the team, appearing in front of the blonde-headed brat, his cleaver already raised over his head as he grinned wickedly...

"SEXY JUTSU!"

... And a beautiful blonde bombshell appeared in the kid's place! And she was NAKED! "Hubba-hubba!" Zabuza exclaimed, the bandages around his nose beginning to redden, even as Tazuna, who had been standing behind Naruto, passed out from a massive nose-bleed when he caught sight of the 'backlash'.

"Kyaa! A pervert!" Naruko screamed in mock fear. "Eat this you dirty old man!" She yelled out, lifting her leg back as far as she could go...

... Then nailing the former mist shinobi with a shin to the pork and beans so hard that it actually lifted Zabuza off his feet a little, causing his eyes to cross as he grabbed his abused crotch and let out a silent shriek of pain, even as Naruko made a cross-shaped hand-sign, a Naruto shadow clone popping up behind the pained jonin in a crouch grinning evilly as he made the tiger seal. "Now, time for you to taste Konohakagure's most prized taijutsu! One-thousand Years of Pain!" The clone yelled, ramming Zabuza with a chakra-powered ass poke, sending the thoroughly-beaten jonin flying through the air until he smacked face-first into a tree, slowly sliding down it, his ass smoking from the power it had been hit with. "Oh yeah! He shoots- he scores!" Naruto cheered, transforming back as he and his clone pumped their fists in victory. "Another win over a jonin! I'm on fire baby! I'll be Hokage in no time at this rate!"

Sasuke and Sakura looked at each-other, sweat-dropping at the sheer lunacy of it all. "... Did that just happen? I'm hallucinating, right Sasuke-kun? Naruto really didn't just beat a jonin, A JONIN, with two of the world's stupidest jutsu did he? Right? Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, her voice weak.

"Hn..." Sasuke grunted, looking pointedly away with a light blush on his face.

"Good job Naruto!" Kakashi congratulated, appearing beside his blonde student and giving him a high-five. "Excellent use of both your jutsu and the taijutsu I taught you!" he praised. "Now then, I'll just finish off Zabuza, and we'll be on our way!" He announced, pulling a kunai from his waist-pouch.

Before He could even move forward however, two senbon came flying in, piercing Zabuza's neck, a masked figure appearing beside his corpse a moment later. "Ummm... Thank you...? For helping me apprehend the criminal Zabuza Momochi. My job would have been very difficult otherwise." The masked ninja mono-toned, picking Zabuza's body up.

"It's no problem, hunter-nin-san!" Kakashi replied with an easy wave. "Glad we could help!"

"Well then, I shall take my leave." The hunter-nin replied, visibly sweat-dropping at the apparent legend's non-chalance.

"Hey!" A voice butted in. Looking over, the hunter nin was surprised to find the young blonde that had defeated Zabuza so handily in such a stupid fashion had managed to get close, seemingly suspicious of the whole thing... "You've got a sexy voice, baby." he suddenly said in a deep voice, putting on the charm as he looked at the masked figure with bedroom eyes, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

Everyone's mouths dropped open at that- was Naruto REALLY trying to hit on this seemingly random person right after a big fight? Well... Maybe it hadn't been a big fight, but still! "Uh-um... Excuse me!" The masked nin squeaked, disappearing with Zabuza's body.

"H-hey! Come back!" Naruto whined, looking around for his escaped prey.

Kakashi sweat-dropped at his student's antics, when he felt a presence behind him. Turning around, he was surprised to find Sasuke glaring at him while Sakura tried to wake Tazuna. "Something the matter Sasuke?" He asked, curious.

"Where did you get that Sharingan from? That's supposed to be a bloodline ability exclusive to the Uchiha clan!" Sasuke demanded.

Kakashi chuckled nervously, pulling his headband down over his eye. "Oh no! I'm passing out from chakra exhaustion!" He cried out in mock dismay, pitching to the side in an obviously faked faint, his visible eye clinched shut.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sasuke's annoyed yell echoed through the forest.

* * *

><p>Several minutes later, the ninja carrying Zabuza's body finally stopped, not feeling anyone behind them, and figuring that it was finally safe to stop. Looking around one last time to make sure there was no one else around, the ninja set Zabuza's prone body on the ground, then pulled out a medical working kit, unrolling a portion of it to reveal several nasty-looking cutting implements, choosing a pair of scissors from among them. "Now then, to drain the excess blood..." The ninja murmured, moving the scissors towards the wraps that covered Zabuza's face.<p>

Without warning, a hand reached up, snatching the ninja's wrist and stopping it cold. "Wait..." Zabuza gasped, his eyes popping open as he reached up with his other hand and pulled down the bandages covering his mouth, taking in a deep gulp of air as he sat up. "Man, you are one sadistic kid, Haku. You could have aimed somewhere else you know." He grumbled, roughly jerking the needles out of his neck.

The newly revealed Haku sighed. "Zabuza-sama, you really shouldn't be so rough with those needles you know- If you pull them out wrong you really will die you know."

Zabuza snorted, laying back on the grass. "Take that mask off, it gives me the creeps."

Slowly, Haku reached up and grasped the mask, pulling it off to reveal an exquisitely beautiful, feminine face, framed by a pair of long bangs, chocolate-colored eyes observing Zabuza with a hint of amusement. "I must say Zabuza-sama, I didn't expect you, of all people, to fall for such a juvenile combination attack like that. What happened?"

Zabuza growled, remembering his humiliation at the hands of the blonde-haired idiot. "You can't even say that he beat me, the little bastard caught me by surprise with a naked woman! What guy wouldn't be stunned by something like that?" He demanded.

Haku laughed lightly behind a hand. "Well, despite your protests, it did seem to work on you, didn't it? I do seem to remember you being knocked unconscious after all."

Zabuza growled warningly, before a lightbulb seemed to flash over his head as an idea formed. "Heh heh... Well then, Haku-'kun', I suppose next time YOU will have to take on the blonde bastard, huh? Yes... That should do just nicely..." He chuckled evilly.

Haku could only blush lightly, looking down at the ground.

"There is only one thing I'm wondering though..." Zabuza grunted, getting Haku's attention.

"What would that be, Zabuza-sama?"

Zabuza mulled over the thoughts in his head. "... How did Kakashi fall for our ruse so easily? I mean, if he was on the verge of passing out I could understand, but he was nowhere near his limit, not against ten clones... Something doesn't make sense there..."

"I couldn't possibly tell you, Zabuza-sama."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Team Seven were trekking towards Tazuna's house, Kakashi being carried on a make-shift stretcher between two of Naruto's clones. "Man, how much longer Tazuna? We're tired of lugging this dead-weight around!" One of the clones complained, only to get a slap to the back of the head by an irate Sakura. "Awww, but Sakura-chan!" The clone whined.<p>

"No buts!" Sakura butted in. "You are a shinobi, so act like it!" She griped, berating the clone while Naruto and Sasuke kept scanning the area.

Tazuna laughed boisterously at that, reading Icha Icha with one hand while holding his sake jug in the other. "Don't worry kiddo, we're almost there." He replied as they exited the woods, coming out into a clearing with a large lake sitting in the middle, a modest house built over the shallows of one side. "Well speak of the devil! Tsunami! Inari! We're home!" He exclaimed, calling out loudly.

Before any of the team could respond, the front door to the house opened up, revealing a stunningly beautiful woman in her early thirties, her long black hair flowing behind her as she came out of the house. "Father! You're home!" She exclaimed happily, rushing towards the group, her arms wrapping around Tazuna in a tight hug. "I was so worried about you! How was your trip?" She asked, then noticed the team standing behind the old man. "Oh, hello there." she greeted, bowing her head slightly. "And who might you all be?" She asked curiously.

Sakura cleared her throat, fixing to introduce the team, when Naruto butt-bumped her out of the way, imposing himself right in front of Tsunami, slightly startling the woman. "Why hallo there, my lovely hime. You may call me Naruto Uzumaki, though I am afraid that I cannot bring myself to call you anything other than angel, for your radiance far outshines even this beautiful place that you and your family live in." He purred seductively, taking one of Tsunami's hands in his own and kissing it, looking up at her through half-lidded eyes.

Tsunami for her part smiled brightly, a light blush dusting her cheeks. "Why aren't you just a little cutie?" She asked, bending forward and giving Naruto an unintentional close-up view of her impressive cleavage as she tousled his hair.

Naruto grinned, scratching the back of his head, but before he could say anything else, Sakura appeared behind him and bopped him on the back of his head, causing Naruto to cry out in pain as he crouched down, cussing while he cradled his bruised cranium. "Please, excuse my teammate's rude behavior, I don't know what's come over him." Sakura said with a sheepish grin, bowing to Tsunami. "Anyway, I'm pleased to meet you Tsunami-san, we are Team Seven, and my name is Sakura Haruno, the dark-haired boy over there is our teammate, Sasuke Uchiha, you know the knucklehead Naruto already, and the man laying on the stretcher is our team leader, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura introduced.

In response, Kakashi let out a rather loud snore.

"Oh my, what happened to your sensei?" Tsunami asked worriedly.

Sakura shrugged. "Well, he's claiming chakra exhaustion, but I couldn't really tell you. We ran into trouble on the way, but handled it accordingly." she explained.

Tsunami's eyes widened at that. "Trouble? Oh no, are you sure you all are alright? Please, come right in and I'll take care of everything." She said, ushering everyone towards the house.

* * *

><p>Later that day, Kakashi finally woke up, startling both Naruto and Sakura, who had been leaning over the man in an attempt to remove his mask to see what he looked like underneath. "Ummm... What's up guys? Have I been out for long?" He asked sheepishly, scratching his head, looking around to get his bearings as the aromatic smell of food drifted into the room. "Hmmm... Something smells good." He complimented with an eye-smile.<p>

"Kakashi-sensei you stupid jerk, you had us worried!" Sakura yelled, punching her sensei in the side of the head while he laughed.

"Mou, mou, sorry Sakura-chan, but I didn't mean to worry you." Kakashi apologized, waving his hand dismissively, obviously not sincere at all in his apology.

Before anyone could chime in, Sasuke was standing in front of Kakashi, his arms crossed over his chest as he glared down at the man. "That Sharingan, how did you acquire it?" He demanded. "I know you aren't part of the Uchiha clan, but the Sharingan eye is a dojutsu that is specific to my clan's bloodline only, so how?" Naruto would have berated his teammate, but he and Sakura were both genuinely curious as well, the two of them sitting off to the side, listening intently.

Kakashi sighed, his eye cutting over to the other two briefly before turning back on Sasuke. Reaching up with one hand, he grasped the underside of his headband and pulled it up, revealing the three-tomoe Sharingan eye that had been transplanted into his socket. "This..." He started heavily, tracing the scar that ran down his face. "Is a constant reminder, from my best friend, that no mater the mission, your comrades should always come first. He was unlike anyone in your clan, and was one of the greatest shinobi that I ever knew." His voice was reverent, heavy with emotion.

This caught the three genin by surprise. "Your teammate? Who was he? What was he like?" Sasuke asked- he never knew of anyone from the clan that didn't act their place, as the elite police force of the village.

Kakashi grinned, obviously lost in thought as he remembered some of the better times with his old team. "Actually, you guys remind me of my old team from back when I was a genin... You are almost exactly the same as I used to be, and Sakura... Yeah, just the same, crush and all... But Obito... Obito Uchiha, was just like you Naruto... minus the awesome perversity of course." He said, causing Sasuke and Sakura to face-fault at that last part while Naruto just beamed.

"Hn..." Sasuke grunted, finally regaining his composure. "So... does that mean that you know how to unlock the Sharingan?" He asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

Kakashi smiled at his teammate again. "As a matter of fact, I do!"

"Will you teach me?"

"Nope!"

This caused Sasuke to face-fault again. "Why the hell not?" He demanded, finally losing his composure as he got up, pointing at Kakashi.

"Because if I did, then the entire thing would be pointless." Kakashi replied with a deadpan. "Fortunately though, we are going to be doing quite a bit of training, because good news everyone- Zabuza isn't dead!"

Everyone face-faulted yet again. "WHAT?" Sakura's scream echoed throughout the house, bringing both Tazuna and Tsunami running to see what the problem was. "Whadda ya mean Zabuza isn't dead?"

Tazuna gasped, grabbing at his chest in fright. "What? Zabuza isn't dead? Aww, maybe I should just die of a heart attack now- it'd be less painful!" He wept comically, large crocodile tears streaming down his face.

Kakashi waved a hand dismissively. "Mou, don't worry about it everyone, from what I saw, he'll probably be down for about a week or so, which is the perfect amount of time for me to teach you a chakra control exercise that will mysteriously make all of you much more strong than you were before." He said, nonplused.

Naruto's eyes were sparkling at that. "Really Kakashi-sensei? That's awesome!" He exclaimed happily.

Kakashi eye-smiled again, then looked past his students and Tazuna, to where a vision of loveliness that was standing in the doorway, a worried look on her face-

-and before anyone could blink, Kakashi was out of bed, leaning against the doorframe with one shoulder, gazing soulfully into Tsunami's eyes. "You must be Tazuna's daughter, but he never mentioned how absolutely stunning you are. Though, I don't doubt that anything he could have said would have only paled in comparison to actually meeting you in person." He said suavely, taking the surprised Tsunami's hands in his own. "You don't have to worry though, I solemnly swear to protect your entire family, even if I have to lay down my life to do so." The look in his eye was solemn, uncompromising.

"Oh my..." Tsunami breathed, gazing wide-eyed into Kakashi's unflinching eye, a furious blush spreading across her face. "That's so brave of you Kakashi-san..."

Kakashi smiled gently. "For you, it's nothing short of a privilege." He replied softly, lifting her hands and placing a light kiss on each through his mask.

If possible, Tsunami's blush only grew, while everyone else's mouths dropped. "Kakashi-san..." She breathed.

"Man, ain't this some bullshit!" Naruto complained as he pouted, crossing his arms over his chest... Not that it kept him from mentally taking some notes to better woo girls in the future though- Kakashi did seem to indeed be a pro.

* * *

><p>A few days later found Zabuza laying in a bed while Haku sat at his side, tending to his every need. Currently, he was glaring at his employer, Gato, as well as the two thugs who were standing behind him, trying to look menacing. "What do you want Gato?" He growled, trying to look as menacing as he could from his bed.<p>

"I heard that you got taken out by some stupid team from Konohakagure that Tazuna hired! What am I even paying you for, if you can't take down a single team from that place? What do you have to say for yourself?" Gato demanded in response, snarling.

"How da-" Haku started, only to have Zabuza hold up a hand in warning.

"Listen up, you stupid runt- The person leading that 'stupid team' is none other than Kakashi Hatake, one of the most powerful ninja in the world, and his team aren't exactly pushovers either. I'll kill them, you can count on it, but I'm not just gonna go rushing in blindly when I'm not even fully recovered yet. So just sit back and let me do my job the way it needs to be done, you fuzzy little gnome." Zabuza retorted, managing to come off as much more intimidating that Gato ever could dream of being.

"What? Why you-" Gato growled angrily, clenching his fists as his two ronin bodyguards stepped in front of him, starting for the handles of their katana-

-Only for Haku to appear between them, holding their weapons to their own throats while sending a glare Gato's way. "You had best watch your tongue when dealing with Zabuza-sama, lest you lose it- and your life." Haku said in a tone that conveyed nothing but deadly intent, the swords grazing against the necks of the two mercenaries, drawing thin beads of blood.

Gato gulped in the face of such an icy glare, backing up a few steps towards the door, his men following in his wake, Haku still holding both of their swords. "Wh-wh-whatever! Just make sure you get the job done!" he demanded, quickly leaving as Haku finally tossed the blades to their owners with a derisive snort.

When they finally left, Zabuza snorted. "You didn't have to do that you know, I could have handled things myself." He said, showing that he had a kunai hidden underneath the sheets of his bed.

Haku smiled happily. "I know you could have, but you shouldn't have to sully your hands with trash like them."

Zabuza's response was to sigh, bored out of his mind. "You never let me have any fun..." He grumbled.

* * *

><p>At that same moment, Naruto sighed as he sat on the edge of the lake, looking bored. "Man, I never get to have any fun." He grumbled- Sitting on guard duty was so boring! He couldn't even train at tree-walking at the moment, because it was his turn to watch over the property while Sasuke and Sakura escorted Tazuna and his grandson Inari to the bridge because the old man wanted to teach his grandson the ropes and show him what he did during the day... Not that the whiny little brat would appreciate it. Naruto sighed again, just knowing that something was going to happen and he would have to open the kid's eyes. Heck, Kakashi was still in the house recovering, so why did he even have to sit on guard duty anyway?<p>

Speaking of the tree-walking exercise though...

_-flashback, three days earlier-_

Naruto sat at the base of his tree, glaring up at it hatefully while Sasuke tried to take another run up his own, only to be pushed off and forced back to the ground. "Man, this sucks!" Naruto complained loudly. Looking over, he saw his other teammate, Sakura, going over a scroll that she'd brought along, and an idea came to him. "Hey Sakura-chan! Can you help me out?" He pleaded, getting up and trotting over to the pinkette.

"Huh? Sure, what do you want to know Naruto?" Sakura asked, looking up from her scroll curiously.

Naruto crossed his arms, squinting. "Can you tell me how you did it?" He asked, tilting his head to the side.

Sakura shook her head, smiling. "Sure thing, Naruto." With that, she launched into a detailed explanation while Naruto, and even Sasuke though he tried to act like he wasn't, listened intently. After several minutes, Sakura finished her lecture. "There, see how easy it is?" She asked with a smile, patting Naruto on the shoulder before turning around to pick her scroll back up.

"Wahh! You're too good to me Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried out, grabbing the girl in a tight hug from behind, his hands snaking around to cup her boobs. "I love you so much!" He giggled pervertedly, smushing her breasts together while he tweaked her nips through her clothes.

"KYAAA! NARUTO YOU FUCKING PERVERT!" Sakura screamed shrilly, twisting around to grab him in a headlock. "POWERBOMB!" She roared, throwing herself backwards, planting Naruto head-first into the dirt, his twitching body sticking up like a giant orange flower, his legs splayed open.

"It was worth it!" Came Naruto's muffled reply.

Then Sakura landed an axe-kick to Naruto's nads.

A weak "... Nevermind..." came- after several minutes of girlish screaming, of course.

_-end flashback-_

... Naruto remembered that day with a grimace, not understanding why Sakura was becoming so violent with him. After all, it wasn't like he was doing anything bad, right? Yeah! He was paying her a compliment! After all, if she was completely flat, he wouldn't even bother!

"AAAHHH!" A shrill scream suddenly cut through the air, breaking Naruto out of his thoughts.

"The enemy!" Naruto cussed lightly, darting to his feet and taking off in a dead-run towards the house, making several shadow clones to surround the house to take it from all sides, he himself rushing in through the front door as he drew a pair of kunai, ready for anything. "Where is Kakashi-sensei and Tsunami-chan?" he asked quietly, looking around for the missing duo. Finding them nowhere downstairs, Naruto immediately went for the second floor, ghosting up the steps while gripping his kunai loosely. Hearing muffled grunts coming from the direction of Tsunami's room, Naruto rushed the door, throwing it open-

-To find Tsunami and Kakashi in Tsunami's bed, their nude, sweat-covered bodies entwined, Tsunami moaning in pleasure as Kakashi pounded her, one leg wrapped around his waist and the other up over his shoulder while he drilled her fast and hard.

"Wh-wh-wh-" Naruto gaped stupidly, a trickle of blood starting to run from his nose.

Looking up from what he was doing, Kakashi spotted Naruto standing in the doorway, impersonating a fish. Giving his blonde student an eye-smile and a thumbs-up, Kakashi turned his attention back to Tsunami, speeding up his thrusts and making the woman moan louder, her large, pert breasts flopping up and down with each thrust.

Naruto sighed loudly, closing the door. "Man, ain't this some bullshit!" He complained, heading back to his post.

* * *

><p>The next night, after an intense day of training for both Sasuke and Naruto while Sakura guarded Tazuna, and Kakashi... still 'recovered'... They were all sitting around the dinner table, Naruto and Sasuke exhausted, though still trying to outdo one another by being the one to not only eat the most, but also finish first... And then they both threw up. "Heh heh... Not bad Sasuke, but you won't outdo me!" Naruto exclaimed, holding out his bowl to a sweat-dropping Tsunami for more.<p>

"We'll see about that... Dobe." Sasuke replied, holding his bowl out as well, the two of them glaring at each-other good-naturedly.

Without warning, Inari slapped his hands down on the table, causing everyone to look at him in mild surprise... Except for Naruto and Kakashi, as both of them were expecting this sooner or later. "Why? Why do you guys keep trying? You can't beat Gato, no one can! He'll just kill you all!" Inari yelled.

Naruto, an amused smirk on his face, rested his chin on one palm, leaning his elbow on the table. "What was that, you little brat?" he asked, his eyes locking onto Inari's own.

"You heard me!" Inari snapped back, angry at Naruto's non-chalant attitude. "Look at you, acting all high and mighty, like you're some sort of hero or something! Someone like you, I bet you've never known what it's like to live a hard life!" His yells getting louder and louder.

Naruto's smirk grew cold as he slowly stood up. "You wanna say that again, kid?" he asked, coming around the table, towering over Inari's smaller form.

"You heard me! Living in your ninja village- I bet you've never experienced a single hardship in your entire life!" Inari sneered defiantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Naruto bared his teeth, though he was still smirking as he grabbed Inari by the collar of his shirt and dragged the young child roughly to his feet. "If what you are saying is true, and we can't do anything against those who are stronger than we are, then what's stopping me from me beating you up then brat? Because I can promise you, I'm definitely stronger than you are!" He boasted, pulling the struggling Inari away from the table, then shoving him back against a far wall. "Well?" He sneered, getting in Inari's face.

"Naruto-!" Sakura started, only for Kakashi to hold out a stilling hand. "Kakashi-senesi?" She asked uncertainly.

Tsunami, for her part, was getting upset at the treatment her child was getting. "Kakashi-kun! You need to stop Naruto-kun!" She demanded.

Kakashi looked back at his lover, smiling through his mask. "Don't worry Tsunami-chan, you can trust Naruto. Your son needs this, and Naruto, more than any of us, can help your son see things as they really are. Don't worry, he won't get out of hand." He reassured her.

Tazuna grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. "I don't like it either... But Kakashi is right. Inari needs to stop his whining." He agreed reluctantly.

"Why are you doing this?" Inari demanded, cowering away from Naruto as he began to cry. "You big stupid bully! You're no better than Gato!"

Naruto grinned wickedly, slapping Inari across the side of his head, only hard enough for it to sting, then grabbed the crying child by the collar of his shirt again. "So? You said it yourself, there's no reason to fight against someone who is stronger, so keep crying, you little pussy! Coward!" he taunted sneeringly.

"STOP IT! SOMEONE HELP ME!" Inari started to cry louder, clenching his eyes shut.

"COME ON INARI!" Naruto roared back, lightly backhanding him across the face only hard enough to redden his cheek. "THE WAY YOU ARE ACTING IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE! LOOK AT YOU, BLUBBERING LIKE SOME LITTLE CRYBABY! YOU CAN'T ALWAYS DEPEND ON OTHERS, SOMETIMES YOU'VE GOTTA STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET AND FIGHT BACK AGAINST WHAT'S UNFAIR! COME ON DAMMIT, QUIT BITCHING ABOUT HOW HARD THINGS ARE, AND DO KAIZA'S MEMORY PROUD! BE THE MAN THAT HE SAW THAT YOU COULD BE- THE MAN THAT I SEE THAT YOU CAN BE!" He demanded loudly, dropping Inari to the ground and turning his back on him. "You've gotta realize kid... You aren't the only one in this world that has suffered. You can't always depend on others to change things for you- sometimes you've just gotta quit crying and do it yourself, like I did..." He finished, his voice much quieter as he headed for the front door and left.

"Wh-wh-" Inari blubbered, watching Naruto's retreating form with a stricken look on his face.

Sakura was confused about that. "Kakashi-sensei, what is Naruto talking about? I know Naruto is an orphan, but certainly it wasn't that hard, right?" She asked, looking to her teacher.

Kakashi sighed at the inadvertent mess that Naruto had left him with, everyone staring at him expectantly, even Inari managed to choke back his sobs to listen. "There are... Many orphans, and people who have lost loved ones in our village..." He started. "... But even in our village, there are those who are treated worse than others, and Naruto has always been treated the worst of all..." He trailed off, looking down sadly.

Tsunami and Sakura both gasped at that, while Tazuna, Inari, and even Sasuke looked at Kakashi in surprise. "Wh-what do you mean?" Tsunami asked, aghast at what Kakashi was telling them.

Kakshi sighed deeply, pouring himself some sake from a jug sitting on the table. "On the same night that Naruto was born, the great nine-tailed demon fox, Kyuubi-no-Yoko attacked our village, slaughtering many, and even claiming the life of our greatest hero, the Fourth Hokage. Despite Naruto having just been born, his parents, both of whom were excellent shinobi, fought bravely against the beast, giving their lives to help protect the village. Unfortunately, people were left in a state of grief, and somewhere, a rumor started up that Naruto, who was the only child born that night, was actually a reincarnation of the mighty Kyuubi. Because of that false rumor, which spread like wildfire, almost everyone, even to this day, have despised Naruto..." His eyes cut around, looking at each person. "Could you imagine it? To be so hated by everyone around you that, if given the chance, would deny you even the right to live?" He asked quietly, his wandering gaze finally settling on a shocked Inari. "That's why Naruto yelled at you son, not because he's angry, but because he can see the way he used to be in you, and while he was rough about it, he just wants to give you the help he himself never had- He just wants what is best for you." he finished, dropping into silence.

Sakura was sniffling back sobs, looking at the door that Naruto had left out of. "I... I never knew..." She said quietly, feeling a crushing guilt for the way she and many others had treated him back at the academy, While Tsunami covered her face with her hands to hide the streaming tears, and Tazuna looked out a window angrily.

Sasuke was also looking in the direction that the blonde had left. _"... Naruto..." _He thought, unwanted memories of his own childhood flashing through his mind.

* * *

><p>Early the next morning found Naruto snoozing on the dew-covered ground, snoring loudly while a bird perched on his forehead protector and a squirrel lay nestled on his chest, A feminine-looking figure ghosting quietly into the clearing that Naruto was sleeping in, observing him intently. <em>"This person... This is who beat Zabuza-sama..." <em>Haku thought, observing Naruto's sleeping face, crouching down beside him, reaching toward's Naruto's oblivious form as the squirrel scampered off and the bird flew away... "You'll catch a cold if you sleep here, wake up." Haku said, shaking Naruto's shoulder.

Naruto's eyes fluttered open as he slowly looked up. "An angel..." He breathed, eliciting a blush from Haku as his arms reached up and encircled Haku's neck, bringing the two of them into a brief, chaste kiss, then let go as he broke contact. "Hello there, beautiful..." He murmured, cupping the side of a furiously blushing Haku's face.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Haku gasped, turning away from Naruto. "We don't even know each-other! Yet you are being so forward!" Haku exclaimed, breathing deeply to try and regain some semblance of control.

Naruto grinned, moving to encircle Haku in a waist-hug from behind. "I'm sorry, but when I saw your stunning features, I couldn't help myself, and had to get a taste of the forbidden fruit..." He murmured sensually, breathing across Haku's ear. "What brings you out here anyway?"

"I-I-I-" Haku was as red as a tomato by this point. "I-I'm just trying to gather some herbs, for someone close to me that is sick- the herbs can only be found around here." Came the quick explanation.

Naruto grinned. "Well, I'll help you! It's the least I can do for a vision such as yourself." He promised, reaching for a clump of plants that looked similar to the ones in Haku's basket, the two of them working for a few moments in silence.

"Thank you." Haku replied with a slight bow, still blushing, though not as much now. "So, that headband- are you a ninja? How strong are you?"

Naruto's grin grew, adjusting his headband with one hand. "So ya noticed huh? Yeah, I'm a ninja, and I'd say I'm pretty strong- I've already defeated a chunin, three jonin, and even ol' man Hkage-jiji himself! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage of Konohakagure!" He boasted proudly, leaving out the fact that he'd beaten them all in essentially the same manner- distracting them with his ultimate technique!

"Oh my!" Haku gasped, stunned at Naruto's apparent strength- Defeating Zabuza-sama was something incredible itself, but to have defeated the Third Hokage of Konoha? A living legend like that? How strong was this boy? "So, what do you fight for?" Haku asked tentatively- surely, if Naruto was everything he boasted to be, would Zabuza-sama be able to defeat both him and Kakashi, even with Haku's help?

Naruto chuckled. "Well... I'm an orphan, and not one that's very liked at that..." He started, eliciting a startled gasp from Haku, his words striking a very familiar chord. "But I've found people who see me for who I am, not for what everyone else sees me as, and so for them, I'll become as strong as I need to, so that I can make sure that they are safe." He said solemnly, causing Haku to blush at how sure of himself he sounded, a crush already beginning to form.

"Th-that's amazing, Naruto-san..." Haku's blush deepened, even as Naruto picked the last of the herbs needed. "Thank you so much, for all your help..." Haku bowed deeply.

Naruto laughed, scratching the back of his head. "Nah, for a girl as pretty as you, it's no problem at all!" He replied boisterously.

Haku's blush deepened. "Ah-ano, Naruto-san, but the truth is... I'm actually a boy..." Came the quiet admittance.

Naruto's jaw dropped at that. "Huh? What the heck are you talking about?" He exclaimed, bewildered. "You aren't a dude, you're too pretty!"

"It's the truth, Naruto-san..." Haku insisted, looking away.

"I still don't believe you. Not without some proof!" Naruto responded, crossing his arms as he squinted.

The blush disappearing completely, Haku glared at Naruto lightly with a chilly expression. "You want proof? Then how about this?" With that, Haku's kimono was lifted up, revealing a rather plain pair of white briefs... with a large bulge in them, causing even Naruto's eyes to widen at the apparent size.

"There's no way!" Naruto yelled, pointing at the 'evidence'. "I know I felt boobs when I hugged you!" He responded accusingly. "There's no way that you can be both a boy and a girl! So what gives?" He demanded.

Haku gasped, dropping the kimono back down in surprise. "Yuh-you managed to feel my chest?" _"But... But I never noticed a thing!" _Was the surprised thought that ran through Haku's mind. Just how good was Naruto?

Naruto grinned, wiggling his fingers. "Magic touch." He replied.

Haku sighed, head dropping in defeat. "Well... I never thought that anyone would figure me out so easily..." Came the exasperated sigh. "Congratulations, Naruto-san, you figured out one of my most guarded secrets- I am a girl." She looked up. "You've got amazing skills Naruto-san, I've never met anyone quite like you before." She admitted.

Naruto grinned, approaching Haku. "I've gotta say, I think you are even more amazing- so beautiful, and yet so caring too- you are just abouth the most perfect girl that I've ever met- minus the large... Whatever it is you've got down there." He replied.

Haku giggled lightly, reaching into her kimono, and, after shifting around for a minute, pulled out a very large pickle. "I used this to fool people into thinking I'm a boy- I didn't want to have to be fighting off boys every few steps." She replied, waving the pickle around in demonstration.

Naruto laughed. "Yeah, I can see how that would drive guys away, if they thought that was a dong!" he replied with a grin. "But how do you keep your chest so flat? I mean, my teammate Sakura-chan is pretty flat-chested, and even she's obviously got a pair!" he wondered out loud.

Haku giggled at that. "Well..." she started, pulling her top open enough to reveal that she'd wrapped her breasts up. "I wrap, as you can see, and the fact that I wear a loose kimono helps as well." She explained, getting a nod of understanding from Naruto.

Naruto grinned again. "Well, it's a good thing you've kept the fact that you are a girl hidden up until now." he said.

This confused Haku. "Why is that, Naruto-san?" She asked, curious.

Naruto's grin turned into a seductive smirk as a approached Haku. "Because, then you might have already gotten together with someone before we met, if everyone knew you were a girl, because you are absolutely irresistible..." he murmured sultrily, cupping Haku's blushing face again as his lips approached hers...

-End-

A/N– bwa-ha-ha! Cliff-hanger! ^^ Well, that's been my longest chapter so far, I hope you've enjoyed reading it, because I certainly enjoyed writing it!

Trivia- Until the very end, when I finally revealed Haku's gender, how many times did I refer to Haku with a gender identification?

-Omake-

-That ain't no pickle!-

Naruto laughed, scratching the back of his head. "Nah, for a girl as pretty as you, it's no problem at all!" He replied boisterously.

Haku's blush deepened. "Ah-ano, Naruto-san, but the truth is... I'm actually a boy..." Came the quiet admittance.

Naruto's jaw dropped at that. "Huh? What the heck are you talking about?" He exclaimed, bewildered. "You aren't a dude, you're too pretty!"

"It's the truth, Naruto-san..." Haku insisted, looking away.

"I still don't believe you. Not without some proof!" Naruto responded, crossing his arms as he squinted.

The blush disappearing completely, Haku glared at Naruto lightly with a chilly expression. "You want proof? Then how about this?" With that, Haku's kimono was lifted up, revealing a rather plain pair of white briefs... with a large bulge in them, causing even Naruto's eyes to widen at the apparent size.

"There's no way!" Naruto yelled, pointing at the 'evidence'. "I know I felt boobs when I hugged you!" He responded accusingly. "There's no way that you can be both a boy and a girl! So what gives?" He demanded.

Haku gasped, dropping the kimono back down in surprise. "Yuh-you managed to feel my chest?" _"But... But I never noticed a thing!" _Was the surprised thought that ran through Haku's mind. Just how good was Naruto?

Naruto grinned, wiggling his fingers. "Magic touch." He replied.

Haku looked at Naruto with a dead-pan expression. "Well, since you are obviously a pervert, I'll tell you the truth- I'm a hermaphradite." he/she admitted.

This confused Naruto. "Huh? A hermione-whatsit? He asked.

Haku smacked his/her face. "That means that I'm both a boy and a girl!" He/she exclaimed, exhasperated.

"That ain't possible! You're either one or another, and I'm betting on girl! I think that's just a pickle you've got under there!" He accused, pointing.

In response, Haku took off his/her kimono and undid his/her chest bindings, revealing a pair of smallish, pert boobs, standing there in nothing but his/her briefs.

"And?" Naruto asked, tapping his foot expectantly. "Come on then, pull off the undies and show me that pickle! And that taco you've got in there as well..." He giggled pervertedly.

Haku sighed, shaking his/her head. "Such a perv..." he/she muttered, then dropped his/her underwear...

... And Naruto's mouth dropped open, his eyes becoming saucers. "... that's no pickle..."

Haku grinned in triumph. "told you. now c'mere cutie!" With that, he/she jumped at Naruto.

"HEEELLLP!" Naruto's panicked scream echoed throught the forest.


	7. Chapter 7, The Phantasmal Panty Pull!

A/N– Well, here's another chapter! It's only a 'little' late, but never-fear, it's not forgotten! I've just been having some in-home issues that have drastically cut into my leisure time, but I won't bore you with the details.

That aside, in this chapter, I'm at least gonna give mention to three characters that everyone (even Kishimoto, apparently) has forgotten about- the three nameless ninja working for Zabuza- they're only in two panels, kneeling beside his couch while he points his sword at Gato, but they are there! I've always wondered why he never had them with him at the bridge... And no, that doesn't mean that I'm going to have them there, it's just a thought I had.

And another thing- I did reread the Wave Arc, just so that I could keep everything straight (Not that I'm following it word for word mind you, I just wanted to refresh my memory, since it's been about four years since I read it last.) Why in the heck does seemingly every single fanfic writer put it in their story that Naruto can't use kawamiri? He clearly uses it to save both Inari and Tsunami from Gato's men.

Now, do I give an unashamed nod to the Warhammer 40,000 Orks in this chapter? Why yes, yes I do, because space orcs with Cockney accents are the absolute shiznit bomb. If you haven't ever played the W40k computer games, then you are most definitely missing out.

This chapter is brought to you curtosy of Guns 'N roses- Rocket Queen

**-Chapter 7, -**

**-The Phantasmal Panty Pull!-**

It had dawned a bright, beautiful day in the village of Konohakagure, so wonderful that it was a surprising rarity even for the people who lived in a climate known for it's mild, generally good weather. However, not everyone was happy, as evidenced by the morose demeanor of one Hinata Hyuuga, heiress to the illustrious Hyuuga clan. It had been almost a week since the boy that she'd given her heart to, Naruto Uzumaki, had gone out on a C-ranked escort mission, and she was missing him greatly. "Naruto..." She murmured sadly, wandering aimlessly through the village. Snapping out of her mild depression, Hinata was mildly surprised to find herself standing in front of Naruto's favorite haunt, Ichiraku's Ramen. Pushing one of the curtains aside, Hinata entered and looked around at the place for the first time, noting the comfortable, homey feel that the small stand had.

The stand owner, a portly older man by the name of Teuchi Ichiraku, looked up from the latest batch of noodles he was making by hand, spotting the shy, mousy little girl that had just entered his eatery. "Welcome!" He called out boisterously in greeting. "Please, come in and have a seat, and I'll take your order in just a minute! Ayame! We've got a customer! Get your lazy butt out here and get to work missy!" He yelled without missing a beat, causing Hinata to jump a little at the volume in his voice.

"Oh-ok..." Hinata murmured demurely, ducking her head a bit as she took a seat on one of the stools, keeping her gaze down at the counter.

A few seconds later, a young girl who looked to be in her late teens, Ayame, entered through the back, an annoyed look on her face. "You don't need to yell pops, you'll scare off the customers." She grouched, fwapping him lightly on the shoulder.

Teuchi gave his only child a gimlet stare, his own expression annoyed. "You better watch it missy, you're still in deep trouble. Now get to work and take the young customer's order! I'm sure she doesn't want us to keep her waiting all day long!" He shot back before turning back to the dough he had been working on, preparing to cut it.

Ayame stuck her tongue out at the back of her dad's head, causing Hinata to have to stifle a small giggle as the older teen turned her attention back on her. "So, what would you like to have?" Ayame asked, grinning widely.

Hinata blushed lightly again, averting her gaze back down to the counter-top. "Ummm... Juh-just a miso ra-ramen please, with pl-plenty of naruto toppings, and a cu-cup of green tea..." She murmured nervously, stuttering a bit.

Ayame, her head cocked to the side as she stared curiously at the nervous girl, smiled widely. "Sure thing kiddo! Just hold on, and your order will be ready in no time!" She replied, chipper. "Hey old man! You heard the order!" She yelled at her dad, who wasn't standing even two feet from her.

"And you don't have to shout!" Teuchi yelled back while draining a bowl's worth of noodles that had already been cooking while Ayame poured some hot water over some green tea in a small pot.

Hinata felt herself smiling faintly, the antics of the father/daughter duo putting her at ease. "I can see why Nuh-Naruto likes this place." She said softly, watching the two bicker good-naturedly.

Ayame, who was about to hit her dad in the back of the head with a ladle, stopped mid-swing, glancing over at the Hyuuga heiress as her curiosity piqued again. "Oh? You know our little Naruto-kun?" She asked, a wide grin breaking out. "So, how do you know him? How long have you known him? Are the two of you good friends?" She asked- if anything could have ever been said about Ayame Ichiraku, it was that the girl was a gossip hound, and right now she smelled something juicy.

Hinata's cheeks flushed as she remembered her time with the bewhiskered blonde, over a week ago... In his shower... Hinata turned as red as a tomato, letting out a small 'eep!' of embarrassment. "Ah-ah- Wh-well... We yuh-used to g-g-go to the ac-academy together..." She stammered, hiding her cheeks with her hands as her stutter returned full-force.

Ayame's eyes widened at the girl's reaction, then narrowed, a smirk playing across her lips as she observed the nervous girl in front of her through lidded eyes. "Oho?" She purred, a gossip predator observing it's prey. "Do tell..."

* * *

><p>Outside, Hana and her dogs, the Haimaru triplets, were passing by, having just returned from a mission, and were absolutely ravenous, when the heavenly smell of Ichiraku ramen tickled her sense of smell, along with a heavy, familiar scent that was all too familiar to her. "Naruto?" She murmured curiously, deciding to check the place out... and get something to eat- that food smelled pretty damn good! "C'mon guys!" She called out to her dogs as she pushed aside one of the privacy curtains, only to feel a pang of annoyance as her eyes cut around the area, only to discover a distinct lack of bewhiskered blonde, just a civilian cook and a waitress, and a small, mousy girl, probably a genin, who was stammering incoherently while the waitress smirked at her. "Hey, any of you guys seen a short blonde brat with whisker marks around here?" She asked.<p>

Whatever she was expecting, it definitely wasn't the stares that the two girls suddenly leveled on her, both their faces running a gauntlet of emotions. "You know Naruto-kun?/Yuh-you're looking for Nuh-Naruto-kun?" The two girls said at the same time, then blushed lightly as they looked at each other.

Hana grinned, rubbing her nose with one finger. "Yeah, you can say that he's a good friend of mine. I caught his scent here, and thought the brat might be around, but that looks like it was a bust. The food smells great though! Hey pops, how'za'bout you make me a deluxe bowl, with plenty of pork and beef! And the same for my partners here if ya don't mind!" She ordered, taking a seat and slapping the counter, grinning widely while her dogs barked their happy agreement with the order.

Teuchi, having long gotten used to serving members of the boisterous clan whenever they wandered into the shop, returned Hana's grin. "Sure thing young lady, it'll be ready in just a minute!" He replied, getting out a bowl for her, as well as some of the dog bowls that he, like many restauranteurs in Konoha, kept on hand for just such occasions- After all, it wouldn't be good for business to piss off one of the more illustrious clans of the village!

"So, how do YOU know Naruto-kun?" Ayame asked curiously, arcing an eyebrow as she leaned against the counter opposite Hinata, looking at the Inuzuka heiress.

Hana, petting the head of one of her dogs, looked at the curious faces of the two, and Teuchi, who was failing badly at looking like he wasn't listening in on the conversation. "Well, it's like I said, we're good friends... VERY good friends, in fact." She replied nonchalantly, her grin becoming slightly perverted.

"_A RIVAL!" _Went through both Ayame and Hinata's minds as they looked at one another, then back at Hana. "Sooo..."Ayame stressed, sliding closer to Hana, her eyes narrowing slightly, glinting with mischievousness. "When you say... very good friends... Do you mean like, you know, going out to the movies together and stuff kinda friends, or, y'know, 'VERY GOOD' friends?" She asked, making quotation marks with her fingers at the end.

Hana blushed heavily at the implication, While Hinata looked mortified at the thought. "W-well, I'm not sure what kinda business it is of yours!" The chunin sputtered, aghast.

Ayame's eyes narrowed a little more. "Well, Naruto and I happen to be very good friends as well, I've known him since he was four after all, and I just want what's best for him. What kind of friend would I be otherwise?" She asked, crossing her arms expectantly.

Hana bristled, not liking the attitude the waitress was putting up, and as for the little Hyuuga... Yeah, the stare she was giving her was just a little unnerving. "Whatever girl, he's a ninja now, and that means he's an adult. He doesn't need-" She paused giving Ayame a very blatant once-over. "-big sis to hold his hand when he crosses the street anymore. Face it, when he put on that head-band, he left his childhood behind and became a grown-up..." She trailed off. "...He certainly knows how to use his tongue like one at least..." She murmured under her breath, a slight blush coming across her cheeks.

Unfortunately for Hana, she hadn't been quiet enough, as the eyes of both girls flew wide open and Teuchi face-faulted, throwing hot noodles into the air as he slipped. "WHAT THE FU-/You too? Damn Naruto-kun works fast!" Hinata and Ayame yelled/exclaimed at the same time, Hinata's flowery language startling poor Hana so badly that she jumped a little at the sudden curse.

"RAMEN'S READY!" Teuchi yelled out, hoping to forestall anything further, placing both Hinata and Hana's orders in front of them, then serving the dogs as well. "Eat up!" he exclaimed, a large, strained smile on his face as he rubbed his hands together.

The meal was eaten in awkward silence, any possible conversation dying away before it could even be brought up under the hawk-like glare from the Hyuuga heiress, which had gone from slightly unnerving to very disturbing, given that she was staring unblinkingly at both older girls while she and Hana quietly ate. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, even though it was actually rather fast, Hana finished her food. "Done!Sorrygottarunthoughitwasgood!" She exclaimed in a rush as she prepared to bolt, only to stop dead in her tracks as a small hand was placed on one of her forearms.

A serene smile graced Hinata's lips, though it most definitely did not reach the young girl's eyes. "I would actually like to speak to you in private, if you would follow me please?" She requested, turning to the flaps. "-And that does mean both of you." She continued, causing Ayame, who had been discretely trying to slip out of the back to stop dead in her tracks and giggle nervously, scratching the back of her head.

"Now young lady-" Teuchi started.

"-I said both of them." Hinata's voice cut through, colder than ice and sharper than any blade, and Teuchi could swear he saw an image of an angry Bhudda super-impose itself over the slip of a girl.

"R-Right... Heheh, silly me, what was I thinking! It's your break now anyway Ayame-chan, so go play with your friends!" Teuchi exclaimed, laughing as nervously as his daughter had been as he quickly backed away, huge crocodile tears pouring down his face.

"Traitor!" Ayame whispered as she passed her dad, giving the man a gimlet stare as she moved to follow Hinata and Hana

After the three had finally disappeared, Teuchi let out a sigh of relief. "Namu..." He prayed quietly for the two girls that had earned Hinata's ire, clapping his hands together twice and bowing his head.

* * *

><p>A few moments later, at an empty training field, Hinata finally stopped, rounding on the two older girls and three dogs that were following behind her. "So." She said frostily, crossing her arms over her chest.<p>

"So what? You were the one that called us out here." Hana replied shortly while Ayame curiously peeked at Hinata from over Hana's shoulder.

Hinata's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm sure we all know where I'm going with this. I had to watch for far too long while Naruto pined after that pink-haired slut, and now that he and I have grown intimately close, I'll be damned if I'll let a couple of older bitches move in on him and prey on his innocence now, so I'll only say this once. Back. The. Fuck. Off." She bit off, a far cry from the shy, polite girl that had entered the shop earlier.

"Ummm..." Ayame started

"Like Hell I will!" Hana bristled, cutting the waitress off. "Who the fuck do you think you are, ordering me around like that? You're a genin, and I'm a chunin! A CHUNIN! C-H-U-N-I-N–! That means if anyone here is giving orders, it'll be me giving them to you, you little psycho bitch!" She snapped back. "Besides,... It's not like you're the only that Naruto has 'been intimate with' as you so put it- that kid knows how to make me howl, and if I feel like it, I'm gonna go back to get my bell rung over and over again, so you can suck it!" She finished nastily, giving a smirk as she crossed her arms.

"Now ladies-" Ayame started, stepping between the two, holding her hands up in a calming manner.

"YOU WHORE!" Hinata snarled, her Byakugan activating. "Naruto is mine! You WILL stay away from him! Both of you! Even if I have to beat that concept into you!" With that, she shifted into a flawless Hyuuga stance.

Hana's smirk grew into a challenging grin as she lowered into a stance of her own, her clawed hands crossed together in front of her chest while the Haimaru triplets started to circle, growling dangerously. "BRING IT ON THEN, YOU WHITE EYED CUNT!" She roared.

"Oh dear..." Ayame gulped nervously, clutching the hem of her apron as Hinata and Hana both charged.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, back in Wave, Sasuke was busy searching for Naruto, the latter having been missing the entire night. "Damn it, where are you Naruto? ...Dobe..." He murmured to himself, looking high and low for his wayward teammate, listening to the wind blowing gently through the trees, the birds chirping, the small woodland animals scampering about, the delighted giggles that quickly turned into intimate moans of pleasure...<p>

... Wait, what was that last one again?

Hearing the moans again, Sasuke, seeing that no one was around to see him, took a moment to smack his hand over his face and shake his head. _"Well, at least I know where the dobe is now."_ He thought to himself as he managed to regain his composure, making his way to where the noises were coming from. "Hey dobe! Where are you!" He called out loudly, allowing himself a small grin as he heard several explicit curses from the general area that he knew Naruto and his mysterious companion were. Finally entering the clearing where they were, Sasuke took in the sight of a shirtless Naruto, who was glaring at him, sitting next to a stunningly beautiful girl, her face flushed in embarrassment as she pulled her kimono closed. "Ah, here you are." He said smugly, smirking.

Yes indeed, Sasuke was enjoying being a cock-blocking bastard.

"Can I help you, Sasuke?" Naruto ground out through clenched teeth, trying to set his teammate on fire with his stare.

Sasuke's triumphant smirk grew a little. "Well, you have been gone all night, so Kakashi-sensei asked me to come look for you. What are you doing out here anyway?" He asked pointedly, enjoying every second of this. "Are we... 'getting a workout?'" He teased

The girl quickly grabbed up a basket that was filled with herbs and climbed to her feet, dusting herself off. "Uh-um... Ano... I-I'm sorry, buh-but I'm afraid I muh-must be going now! It was very nuh-nice to meet you Naruto-kun!" She exclaimed, blushing fiercely as she moved to leave.

"Wait!" Naruto called out desperately, reaching out to the retreating girl. "Can I see you again Haku-chan?" He asked.

The girl, identified as Haku, blushed even redder, but smiled brilliantly. "Believe it!" She chirped before leaving at a hurried pace.

Naruto and Sasuke both watched the girl's retreating form. "You're a bastard, you know that Sasuke?" Naruto finally asked.

"I won't say I didn't enjoy that... Dobe..." Was Sasuke's reply, his grin widening a little more. _"That girl though... She seems so familiar... Where do I know her from?"_

Naruto sighed heavily. "Well... Looks like a cold bath for me."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Haku strode forward with great purpose, her embarrassment temporarily forgotten. <em>"That seals it, we're definitely going to have to recruit Naru-kun to Zabuza-sama's side... I'll make Zabuza-sama see how much we need him, believe it!" <em>She thought, her gaze burning with determination. Reaching the base, she quickly strode through the main sitting room towards Zabuza's bedroom, passing by the three ninja who always seemed to be there. "Zabuza-sama, we need to talk." She said, closing the door behind her.

Zabuza looked up from the scroll he'd been reading, interested. Haku was hardly ever like this. "What's going on Haku?" He asked, rolling the scroll up.

Haku cleared her throat, locking eyes with her master. "I encountered one of the Konohakagure genin in the woods, the one who... You know... And, after talking to him in great length, I think we should try and recruit him to our side." She stated, finally breaking away from Zabuza's hawk-like gaze.

Zabuza couldn't help but blink in surprise at that. "Wait, what?" He asked, bewildered. "Why in the hell should we do that? He's just a brat for cryin' out loud!"

Haku let out a shaky breath. "Well, that's the thing... He didn't know that I was a ninja, and was pretty open with some of his information... If he wasn't just idly bluffing, then apparently, he's already strong enough that he's defeated the legendary god of shinobi, Sarutobi Hiruzen, in combat... And I do have a good rapport going with him already..." She admitted.

Zabuza blinked, then blinked again, processing the information his vassal had just given him.

"Well... Fuck..."

* * *

><p>The next day dawned bright and early, only to find Naruto sleeping soundly after another night of his mysterious personal training, while Tazuna and the rest of team seven prepared to set out. "We'll be back this evening Tsunami!" Tazuna yelled, earning a smack to the back of his head by said daughter, who was only standing a few feet away.<p>

Kakashi, for his part, smiled and scratched the back of his head. "Mou, Naruto seems to be tired after his training, so just let him sleep, ok?" He requested, earning a smile and nod from Tsunami, who lightly smacked the older ninja's butt as he passed by.

A short time later, Naruto finally came down, still in his pajamas and looking wildly around for his teammates. "Ummm... Excuse me, Tsunami-chan, but you haven't seen my team around here anywhere?" He asked Tsunami, who was doing laundry, laughing sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head.

Tsunami tilted her head to one side, giving Naruto a bright smile. "Oh, Kaka-kun said that you were tired, and asked me to make sure that you weren't disturbed." She replied.

Naruto blinked a few times as he and Tsunami looked at each-other, then Naruto just shrugged. "Meh, alright then, I guess I'll go back to bed." He finally said with a shrug of his shoulders, turning on his heel and headed back for the stairs.

* * *

><p>At the bridge, Tazuna gasped as the morning mist cleared just enough so that he could see the bodies of his men laying strewn about, some of them covered in blood. "What happened? Who did this to you?" He demanded, rushing over to one man who let out a weak groan.<p>

The man hacked up a copious amount of blood. "It... It was'sa... Demon..." He managed to choke out before falling unconscious.

Kakashi's visible eye narrowed as he looked around. "Be on your guard." He warned, preparing for the inevitable clash.

* * *

><p>A half-mile up the shore, Zabuza looked down at the radio he'd just received orders from Gato over. "Haku, prepare yourself. If worst comes to worst, I'll need you to hold off Kakashi while I take on that Uzumaki kid myself, if he doesn't join us." He commanded.<p>

Haku, her face schooled, put on her hunter-nin mask. "Hai, Zabuza-sama..."

* * *

><p>Inari, his mind still on what he'd learned the night before, sighed morosely as he trudged through the house. Entering the kitchen, he found his mom making lunch. "Momma... Can we talk?" The little boy asked hopefully.<p>

Tsunami, a little surprised at first, smiled brilliantly at Inari. "Of course sweetie! Just give me a hand in fixing lunch."She replied as she started to simmer some miso soup.

Before Inari could say anything, however, the back door suddenly burst apart, having been quickly cut into several pieces by a tall, menacing man wearing an eyepatch, grinning ferally as he sheathed his katana. "Hey there lady, you old man Tazuna's daughter?" He asked, his voice full of menace.

Beside him stood another man, this one also toting a katana and looking rather bored. "Please come with us, Or my friend here may have to get... violent." He intoned, leveling a dead gaze at Tsunami.

Inari, fear clutching at his heart, started to tremble as he shrunk back against his mother's legs. "D-don't you come near my momma!" He yelled, holding his arms out as wide as he could, trying to shield her.

"Inari, no!" Tsunami gasped, kneeling down to wrap her arms around her son's neck. "Sweetie, you need to get behind me!" With that, she pulled him around covering him protectively.

The man with the eyepatch grinned. "Hey Zouri, how many hostages did Gato-sama say he wanted?" He asked playfully, tugging on the hilt of his sword.

Zouri sighed- he really hated this part. "The boss said that he only wants one hostage Waraji." This earned a malicious grin from the bloodthirsty man as he slowly drew his weapon.

"NO!" inari screamed, wrenching away from his mother's grasp. "I WON'T LET YOU TAKE HER!"

Waraji smirked at that, while Zouri sighed and rested his hand on the handle of his own sword. "Oh really kid? And how are you gonna stop me?" The one-eyed ronin asked dangerously.

"Inari!" Tsunami screamed as the small boy grabbed a kitchen knife and leveled it at the imposing samurai, visions of his grandfather, his dad, and Naruto flashing through his mind. "I'll do it any way I can!" He replied fiercely, holding the knife in his trembling hands.

"Heh, heh, heh, very well said, brat."

Everyone's eyes widened at that. "Nuh-Naruto-nii?" Inari stammered, looking around hopefully.

The door opposite the one that Zouri and Waraji had destroyed opened up, revealing Naruto as he strode into the room, a cocky smirk on his face. "In the flesh. You've done good Inari, but now it's my turn."

Zouri tsked and drew his katana while Waraji faced the orange-clad ninja, a sick grin on his face as they both stepped forward. "Oh? And how do you propose to stop us, eh, ninja brat? Not only are you a kid, but it's two on one."

Naruto's smirk grew into a full-blown grin. "Well, how about... twenty on two?" He asked, and suddenly several more Narutos pushed their way into the room, from both the doors, several interposing themselves between Tsunami and Inari and the two ronin.

"Wh-wh-WHAT THE HELL?" Waraji roared, fear in his lone eye. Zouri, for his part, could only gulp as he readied his sword-

-And then the orange horde charged.

Tsunami was quick to cover Inari's eyes.

A pitifully short amount of time later, both samurai were out cold and trussed up, and Naruto was standing in front of Inari and Tsunami, grinning widely. "And that's how ya save the day!" He proclaimed proudly, giving the two a thumbs-up.

"Na-Naruto-nii-" Inari started, only to be shushed as Naruto held up a hand, forestalling what he was about to say.

"Before ya say anything Inari-" Naruto started, reaching out to ruffle the younger boy's hair. "-I just want to say congratulations on proving me wrong. You aren't a weak little crybaby, you're a big, strong young man, and I'm proud of ya kiddo." He said, his words showing clearly in his face as he smiled.

Inari, shocked at Naruto's words, sniffled, starting to tear up. "Oh man, I'm gonna start cryin' again! Now you'll make fun of me!" he hiccuped, covering his face with his hands.

Naruto chuckled, pulling his hand away from the top of Inari's head. "No way I'd laugh at those tears, they're manly tears of happiness! And hope! You should never be ashamed of those." He replied, curling his fist and holding it out. "You've proven that you've got what it takes, but now it's my turn to be the hero. Don't worry, I'll make sure that everything turns out great, ok?"

Inari, looking up at his new idol wide-eyed, grinned through his tears. "Ok!" he agreed, bumping fists with Naruto.

* * *

><p>On the bridge, Zabuza faced off against Kakashi, keeping him preoccupied while Haku kept Sasuke trapped inside her demonic ice mirror prison, wearing the last Uchiha down with senbon. "I've gotta say Kakashi, I'm kinda surprised that you don't have that blonde-haired shithead here. Maybe if you did, you wouldn't be in this predicament." Zabuza quipped, his eye closed as the mists swirled thickly around.<p>

Kakashi was, admittedly, a bit surprised at that comment. "Hn? Are you that eager to avenge your humiliation at the hands of my prized student?" He asked mildly. The situation wasn't looking good- he couldn't get past Zabuza to help Sasuke, because if he moved, then Sakura and Tazuna would be open to the nukenin's attacks, and any of the clone techniques he used would be countered by Zabuza's own.

Zabuza's chuckle echoed from all around Kakashi's position. "Well, let me ask you this-" His disembodied voice floated through the air. "-Is it true that the brat actually beat THE Sarutobi Hiruzen?"

Kakashi's eyes widened a bit at that. Of course, he'd heard the stories, and when he'd asked his leader about it in private, the Hokage had actually smiled and told him what had happened. "Errr... I suppose you could say that. How did you find out? And why do you want to know?" He asked uneasily.

"Heh, let's just say that I have my sources... And as for what I want, now that I know it's the truth, I actually wanna recruit your brat- between the money that Gato is paying me for this job, and that kid, I'll finally be able to realize my dream- to raise another rebellion, and free Kirikagure from it's oppression and return things to the way they used to be!" Zabuza replied passionately. "Now if you'd just stand down and let me kill the old man and then take the kid, we won't have any more problems. C'mon Kakashi, you've got your other students to think about after all. I'll let you go, free and clear." He offered

Kakashi eye-smiled at that. "Why thank you for the kind offer, but I'm afraid I must decline. You see, Naruto is too special for me to just let you kidnap him, and if I don't protect the client, not only will it look bad, but I can pretty much guarantee that Tsunami will stop giving me any. So no, I won't back down." He shot back.

Zabuza's whistle cut through the fog. "You tappin' that for real? I got a look at her in a dossier that Gato had gathered, and I've gotta say, she looks like one fine piece of ass. Hah, you lucky bastard." He complimented.

Kakashi's smirk grew a little. "Why thank you." He replied, his eye catching a sudden movement to the left. _"Got you!" _He thought, dashing towards the movement.

* * *

><p>Sasuke was down on one knee, breathing heavily as he surveyed the technique being wielded against him. <em>"Dammit! If only I had my Sharingan, then this wouldn't be a problem! I'm starting to get a read on her movements though, so I'll catch the bitch soon enough!" <em>He snarled mentally, not noticing that, even if no tomoe had formed yet, his eyes were beginning to lighten from black to red.

"I'm sorry, but I must ask you to give up now." Haku said, and Sasuke just barely caught sight of her as the masked shinobi started dashing around, letting loose with a barrage of needles, bowling Sasuke over.

"SASUKE!" Sakura screamed, horrified at the sight of her crush littered with senbon. Thinking quickly, she pulled a kunai and threw it, only for a hand to dart out of one of the mirrors and pluck the knife right out of the air.

"I'm sorry, but I can't have you interfering in our battle." Haku intoned, throwing the kunai over the side of the bridge.

"Then what about me?"

That caught everyone's attention. _"Naruto!"_ they thought in unison.

Without warning, veritable twin tsunamis of orange clad bodies seemed to rise up on either side of the bridge as a thousand clones of Naruto appeared leaping, causing Zabuza to pale at the sight, and Haku to blush heavily. "NEVER FEAR, NARUTO IS HERE!" A thousand voices roared as one, and the bridge was awash in a sea of clones as all of the Narutos landed, forcing Zabuza to curse and leap away before he was swept up, as well as Haku, retreating before she could be completely surrounded, abandoning her demonic ice mirrors technique.

Landing side by side, the two appraised the army before them, Kakashi and Tazuna being the only other people visible, and only due to the fact that they were taller than all of the Narutos around them. "Hn, to make this many clones, you truly are impressive, brat." Zabuza complimented, readying Kubikiri Honcho. "I've got an offer for ya, how about you join my side and help me overthrow my old village, and I'll let your team live?" He offered.

One Naruto in particular stepped out from the rest of the horde, his arms crossed over his chest. "No way in hell old man! I'd never betray my comrades!" He yelled back, flatly refusing Zabuza's offer.

Zabuza grinned wickedly, crouching a little. "Then I guess I'll just have to get you to join me by force!" he prepared to spring, only to be stopped as a light hand was placed on his shoulder.

"Zabuza-sama, let me handle this." Haku asked, stepping in front of her master.

Zabuza quirked a non-existent eyebrow. "Are you sure? I know how you feel-"

"I'm sure." Haku replied, readying herself.

Naruto's eyes widened as the masked nin's voice registered. "Haku-chan, is that you?" He asked, bewildered.

Haku blushed behind her mask. "Hai, Naruto-kun, it is. I am sorry for what I'm about to do, but I must beat you in order to fulfill my master's dream." She replied, pulling out two handfuls of senbon.

Naruto prepared himself. "Haku-chan, please don't do this. You can't beat my new technique I developed." He pleaded. "I don't want to have to fight you, I like you too much!"

Everyone, well, everyone that wasn't Naruto that is, gasped at that. "WHAAAT?" Sakura screeched from where she was bandaging Sasuke's wounds, the raven-haired teen's own eyes wide open at that admission.

Haku sighed, reaching up to pull off her mask, revealing her heavily blushing face. "Na-Naruto-kun... I-" She took a deep breath. "I-I really like you too... But Zabuza is my master, my most precious person, and I swore, on that day in the snow, that I would serve him faithfully, no matter what. I am sorry Naruto-kun, but if you don't surrender yourself to me willingly, I'll have to take you by force."

Everyone blinked once, then twice at that. "Whoa, kinky." One clone randomly commented.

The rose tint covering Haku's cheeks intensified as she nailed the clone between the eyes with a senbon. "I didn't mean it like that!" She exclaimed, blushing furiously. "But, as the case may be, Naruto-kun, I will beat you here, and take you away to help fulfill Zabuza-sama's dreams!" She exclaimed, once again readying herself.

Naruto sighed heavily as his body tensed up. "Fine then, Haku-chan, we'll do this then." He replied, his voice solemn as he also prepared, everyone craning to witness the eventual clash.

In the blink of an eye, both Naruto and Haku's feet shifted, and they disappeared, reappearing back to back, stock-still, Haku holding one hand clutching a senbon out in front of herself, and Naruto had his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes shaded by his hair.

"Wh-what happened?" Sakura gasped.

Sasuke shook his head. "I don't know, I wasn't able to follow it..." He admitted.

"_Hmmm... Even I didn't catch it after the initial_ _contact, and from the looks of things, I'd say Zabuza didn't either..."_ Kakashi mused.

Haku slowly straightened up, her face still an emotionless mask, and Naruto...

"It worked..." Naruto murmured, unclenching his hands... To reveal a pair of sheer, black lace panties. "Oooh, lacy... And crotchless!" Naruto lilted, grinning perversely as he lifted them up to inspect them more closely as everyone face-faulted. "I shall name this technique... The Phantasmal Panty Pull!"

"KYAA!" Haku screamed shrilly, falling to her knees and covering her furiously blushing face with her hands. "Naruto, you pervert! I'm so embarrassed!" She wailed.

Sakura pushed herself to her feet, a large vein twitching ominously on her head as she clenched her fists. "So that... All that buildup... It was all... FOR SOME STUPID PERVY STRIPPING TECHNIQUE?" She bellowed.

Sasuke, for his part, had to look away. "Dobe..." He murmured under his breath.

Without warning Kakashi appeared next to Naruto, placing a fatherly hand on the boy's shoulder. "Naruto... You make your poor old teacher proud!" He sniffled, covering his eyes with his other forearm.

"I've gotta admit, that's a damn scary technique brat, you'll definitely have to teach it to me." Zabuza agreed, crossing his arms and nodding his head sagely.

"I must say, if you'd pulled a trump card like this Haku-chan, I'd definitely be in trouble..." Naruto remarked... Then put the lingerie up to his nose, taking a deep whiff. "Ahhh, essence of Haku-chan..." He giggled.

"KYAA! Don't sniff them Naruto-kun! You're only embarrassing me more!" Haku yelled, unable to even stand due to the mortification.

Tazuna sweat-dropped. "Uhhh... Are all ninja battles like this?" He whispered to Sasuke.

Said teen sighed heavily. "Only when Naruto is around... The dobe..." He replied, refusing to even look their way. _"Well... At least I was able to activate my Sharingan- Score one for the Uchiha, bitches." _He thought with a smug grin as he activated his family's fabled blood-line, with one eye containing a single tomoe, while the other had two, even if Zabuza's heavy mist hampered his vision.

"So! This is where I find you? Conversing with my enemy?" A shrill voice cut out, causing everyone to look up, where Gato could be seen at the end of the bridge with several mercenaries, even more unloading off of the boat that was there. "Such a disgrace, Zabuza! Are you even worth the money I paid you?"

Zabuza's eyes narrowed. "And just what are you doing here Gato? I said I'd take care of this." He growled, reaching for his sword.

Gato smirked. "Well, I'm a business man first and foremost Zabuza, and I've decided that the premium that you've asked for is more than I'm willing to pay, and all of these mercenaries- "He held his arms out, gesturing to the hundred-odd men behind him. "-Came at a tenth of what you demanded, so I've hired them to kill you, and everyone else here!" He boasted.

"You double-crossing midget-shit!" Zabuza snarled, a menacing aura billowing up around him. "I'm gonna kill ya!" He then cut his eyes to Kakashi, who was standing at the ready. "Well, looks like we're no longer enemies, copycat- I won't try to kill your client anymore... I still want the brat though, after I slaughter me that pig over there."

"You and what army?" Gato asked smugly, grinning. "In case you haven't noticed, you're outnumbered almost seventeen to one! What could you hope to do against those odds?" He asked, chuckling.

Zabuza growled, and was about to rush them, when Naruto stepped into his path, grinning like a loon. "What do you want brat?" He growled, annoyed.

"Zabuza-sama, I think you should disperse your mist." Haku said quietly, standing just behind her master.

"WHAT? Why would I want to- oh... OHHH!" Zabuza grinned wickedly, getting at what Haku was referring to. "Me and what army, You porcupine-headed fuck?" He asked, dispelling his jutsu...

And revealing the thousand-plus army of Narutos that had been standing in it. "Why, this army!" Zabuza yelled, laughing maniacally.

Gato blinked at that, bewildered. "Oh-" He started.

"-Shit!" exclaimed a mercenary, unintentionally finishing Gato's sentence.

"LOOKIT THIS BOYZ! WE GOTS US SOME KILLINS TA DOOS! GIT'EM" Yelled one of Naruto's clones, earning a wild cheer from the rest.

"WAAAAH!" The rest of the clones bellowed, rolling forward like an unstoppable tide with Zabuza and Kakashi at the helm, Zabuza grinning evilly at Gato even as he raised his decapitating blade above his head in preparation.

"OH SHIT! SOMEONE SAVE ME!" Gato squealed shrilly, trying to push through the press of mercenaries, who were all frantically trying to scurry back aboard the ship in an attempt to escape the coming horde of orange-clad bodies.

"TOO LATE! BLEED PIGGY!" Zabuza roared, appearing behind Gato and lopping the short man's head off, sending it flying upwards in a spray of blood.

Screaming, the mercenaries finally managed to bet onto the barge... Only for the Naruto army to spill off the end of the bridge like lemmings of doom, piling onto one side of the vessel and tipping it over as they attacked it.

"And THAT is how ya do it!" Naruto grinned proudly, standing between Kakashi and Zabuza, watching the wanton destruction below.

Zabuza looked up at Kakashi. "Ok, so, I'm going to steal all of Gato's money now that he's dead, and I will give you half of it if you will let me take this brat." He offered.

"No."

"Not even as a loaner for a little while? Until I can finally overthrow my home village?" Zabuza was practically begging.

"Nope."

"Feh, you suck Kakashi." Zabuza sighed.

* * *

><p>At the other end of the bridge, where Tazuna, Sasuke, Sakura, and Haku were standing, they watched the one-sided ass kicking without even batting an eye, having gotten used to the insanity by this point. "So... Ummm... Haku?" Sakura asked, turning to the slightly older kunoichi.<p>

"Yes?" Haku looked down at Sakura curiously, wondering what she wanted.

"I was wondering..." Sakura's eyes cut to Sasuke, who was still watching what was going on at the other end of the bridge. "... Where can I get a pair of panties like those?"

Haku's blush returned full-force.

* * *

><p>A week later, the bridge was finally finished, and everyone from the village was there to give Team Seven a farewell to remember, throwing them a send-off party that even Zabuza (now MUCH richer) and Haku were invited to. "You'll be sure to come back and visit, right Naruto-oniisan?" Inari asked hopefully, staring up at Naruto hopefully.<p>

"You better believe it!" Naruto replied with a big grin, tousling Inari's hair. Seeing the small boy tear up, Naruto smiled fondly. "You about to cry? Just remember what I said- it's ok to cry, as long as they are tears of happiness!" He reminded.

Inari wiped his eyes, giving Naruto a large grin. "Ah-I'm not gunna kuh-cry! But if you need to, th-then go ahead!" He shot back.

Naruto smirked, then turned his back on Inari. "Like I need to cry..." He said, his voice rock-steady, causing the small boy to gasp.

"Ugh, men!" Sakura murmured to Haku, who giggled, watching Naruto cry silently with his back turned to Inari, who was also crying.

Kakashi, for his part, was standing a small distance away with Zabuza. "Are you sure you wouldn't like to come to Konoha with us?" He asked- Having someone of Zabuza's caliber at the village would be a fairly big boon after all.

Zabuza grinned, his arms crossed. "Nope! I've gotta go take care of my own place." He replied. "Though I still wouldn't be adverse to hiring some of you hippies, especially Naruto. With him on our side, I'm sure I could overthrow the Mizukage in no time!" He replied.

Kakashi shook his head. "You know that we couldn't do that. It'd spark another world war, and no one can put up with something on that scale right now."

Zabuza sighed, scratching the back of his head. "Yeah, I suppose you're right... Well, until our paths cross again, Sharingan-no-Kakashi. Haku, let's go! We've got daylight to burn!" He called out, setting off down the road.

"Just a moment Zabuza-sama!" Haku called back, before turning to Naruto, taking his hands in her own. "Well, I suppose that this is it then..." She murmured.

Naruto looked solemnly at the older girl. "As long as we have our memories of each other, and we're both still alive, it's not the end Haku-chan. We will see each other again some day, it's a promise of a lifetime." He replied, his soulful gaze locked with Haku's own.

Haku teared up. "Oh, Naru-kun!" She cried, throwing herself around his neck in a tight embrace, catching his lips in a searing kiss.

"HAKU!"

Haku finally broke the kiss, leaving Naruto breathless. "I... I love you." She whispered, before letting go. "I'm coming Zabuza-sama!" She called out, chasing after her master.

Naruto stood there, gaping like a fish as he processed the information. "Did- did she just say-" He choked.

Kakashi patted his protege on the shoulder. "It comes with the territory." He replied, before looking to Sasuke and Sakura. "Are we ready to go then? Good! Let's be off as well." He ordered, setting off down the road, the three genin following in his wake as they all waved their farewells to the townspeople.

As the Konoha ninja disappeared into the horizon, Tsunami looked at her father. "So, what are you going to name the bridge?" She asked.

"I was thinking of naming it 'The Great Icha Icha Bridge of Manly Awesomeness'!" Tazuna replied, laughing loudly- until he was doubled over from a punch to the gut by his irate daughter. "Ok-Ok! Mercy!" He wheezed. "What do you think Inari?" He asked, looking down at his grandson.

Inari looked up at his grandfather, then at the bridge. "I think... 'The Great Naruto Bridge'." He finally said, offering Tazuna and Tsunami a large smile.

Tazuna blinked at that. "'The Great Naruto Bridge', huh? Well, it does have a nice ring to it."

* * *

><p>On the road, Sakura looked at Naruto, who was trudging along morosely. "Naruto... You miss her already, huh?" She asked, her voice low.<p>

Naruto looked up, giving Sakura a sad smile. "Yeah...I don't think I'll ever forget her."

Sakura gave Naruto a reassuring smile. "Don't worry Naruto, it's like you said! Someday, the two of you will meet again- believe it!" She replied, giving him a thumbs-up.

Naruto stopped, wide-eyed as he watched Sakura walk along, before a large grin broke out on his face. "Wahh! Sakura-chan does love me!" He cried, jumping forward and grabbing Sakura up in a hug from behind, his hands coming up to grope her boobs,

"KYAAA! NARUTO YOU FUCKING PERVERT!" Sakura screamed, knocking Naruto away, then punt-kicking him into low earth orbit.

"Well, at least she kicked him towards Konoha, for what it's worth. "Kakashi said with a smile, shading his eyes with one hand to watch Naruto's trajectory.

"Whatever..." Sasuke replied, watching with mild interest as Sakura raged.

"It was worth it!" Came the faint echo a moment later.

**-End-**

A/N– Well then! Another chapter finally done! Y'know, to be honest, once I was finally able to sit down and do it, I knocked this thing in a total collected time of about ten hours (spread over a week)

Now, i know that I've been promising some more serious fights coming soon, but for some reason (and part of the reason why this has taken so long) I just couldn't find it in myself to make the Wave Arc a serious thing- it just didn't feel right, y'know?

Anway, did'ja love it? Did'ja hate it? Don't care? Review! Or not, I still ain't gonna beg people.


	8. Chapter 8, FUBAR

A/N– Ok peeps, here's the next chapter! =3 So, who out there is a fan of TV Tropes?

Anyway, I know that a few of you have mentioned my Ranma references. The reason why I put little Ranma Easter Eggs into my stories is because R.5 is probably my all-time favorite manga, and I like to draw from it in small ways to put into my stories where it fits. R.5 is, in my opinion one of the greatest comedy/martial arts manga of all time, and if you haven't read it, I encourage you to.

=P There's also a reference to another manga in here. Can you spot it?

This chapter is brought to you by- Princess Superstar, Perfect, as well as an additional character themed song- Slipknot, The Virus of Life, for Zabuza (seriously, the song fits him so well that I'm surprised that there hasn't been any Zabuza-based AMVs set to it yet.)

Also, because I just found it, and it's such a fuckin' awesome track, check out Hardstyle - Organ Donors - 99.9 on youtube. It's got an ecchi picture to go with the track, but if you are this far into my story anyway, then I'm fairly certain that the pic will just be an added bonus for you as well.

**-Chapter 8, FUBAR-**

It was another bright, beautiful day in the village of Konohakagure, so wonderful that it was a even more of a surprising rarity than the first, even for the people who lived in a climate known for it's mild, generally good weather, leading to a generally good cheer in the village that was greater than most days, with almost everyone being happy.

With the notable exception of one Naruto Uzumaki, of course.

It wasn't anything that he could pinpoint, but from the very second that Team Seven had stepped into Konoha, Naruto's acute sense of danger was screaming at him to haul ass back out of town as fast as he could run, and find the deepest, darkest, most easily securable place he could find- Hopefully on another continent- and just hide...

...Because as long as he remained in the village, he was unequivocally, most assuredly, completely, and undoubtedly fucked so thoroughly that there wasn't even a good enough way to describe how certain it was.

And it wasn't even the good kind of fucked either.

"Naruto, are you ok?"

Jumping a little, Naruto looked over at his sensei and teammates, a wary expression on his face as he regarded Sakura, who had asked the question. "I dunno." He replied honestly. "Say, have any of you ever gotten a feeling? That feeling like, y'know, something really, REALLY bad is about to happen, and there is absolutely nothing at all you can do about it?" He asked.

"Nope." Replied Sakura, blinking.

"Once..." Sasuke trailed off, beginning to brood.

"Well, there was this one time, and I thought I had a gut feeling that our village was about to be attacked by a pair of villages and a tailed beast- But it just turned out to be a mild case of constipation." Kakashi said, smiling easily from behind his mask, effectively breaking the mood as all three young teens stared at him incredulously.

"That was just stupid sensei." Sakura said flatly, giving the older man a deadpan look while Sasuke, for his part, just quirked an eyebrow, not actually saying anything.

Naruto frowned, crossing his arms as he squinted up at Kakashi. "Yeah, and besides, that doesn't help me one bit! I know I'm not having any poop problems right now, and I've still got this feeling of impending doom!" He complained.

Kakashi shrugged nonchalantly. "Make of it what you will, but when you get to be as badass as I am, you don't get impending feelings of doom-" He whipped out a copy of Icha Icha Tactics. "-You cause them. Now come along children, we've got a mission report to turn in!" With that, the perverted jonin started for the Hokage's tower, his nose stuffed in his book.

Sakura sighed, watching the older man. "That was just-" She stopped, noticing that Naruto was watching Kakashi with stars in his eyes. "Naruto?" she asked, curious.

"I wanna cause uncomfortable feelings of impending doom in people too! Dattebayo!" Naruto yelled excitedly pumping a fist in the air as he followed Kakashi.

"Idiot, you already cause uncomfortable feelings in people, just not the doom kind!" Sakura yelled, moving after Naruto with a fist raised, ready to throw him a beating.

Sasuke just sighed, and started after the rest of his team- no one, not even he, noticing the slight smile that tugged at his lips, watching the antics of those who maybe, just maybe, he could call his friends.

* * *

><p>Miraculously, the team managed to make their way to the Hokage's tower unmolested by whatever was causing Naruto's Impending Feeling of Doom(tm), not that it helped any- Naruto was growing more paranoid as they went on, to the point where he was attempting to look in every direction at once as they entered the tower and were eventually shuttled into the missions office, where the Hokage was going over various reports. "Team Seven reporting back from our mission." Kakashi stated, standing at ease with the three teens just behind him.<p>

Sarutobi blinked, looking up from the latest batch of mission reports to see that Kakashi and his child soldi-err-students were indeed standing there, with Naruto looking uncharacteristically paranoid- though given what recently happened... "Hn... So your mission was a success I take it?" He asked, puffing on his pipe. "However, it's unfortunate that you chose now to come back- you've created a fine mess Naruto." He said, blowing out a long plume of smoke.

Naruto's jaw dropped at that- was it the Impending Feeling of Doom(tm) he'd been feeling? Finally, he could find out what it was! "What'd I do? What happened?" He asked quickly, still looking around worriedly- if anything, the feeling had grown even worse!

The Hokage studied Naruto for a moment, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Well..." He started, causing the blonde teen to lean in expectantly. "...I don't think I'll tell you." He finished flatly, causing Naruto to fall on his face while everyone else in the room sweat-dropped.

Naruto got up, rubbing his nose. "Why not you stupid old goat?" He demanded loudly, causing everyone in the room to lean in a bit closer to hear the conversation better.

"Because I think it'll be funnier when you find out on your own."

At that, Naruto's mouth fell open. "Wh-wh-WHAT?" He screeched, pointing at the old man. "Why, you-you-you... You JACKASS! You're just doin' this to make me suffer, aren't'cha? How come?" He yelled.

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow at that. "Hmmm... I think I just told you why already." He replied, turning his attention to Kakashi. "Now then, the mission report?"

Kakashi smiled and began his report while Naruto sat in the corner, weeping pathetically.

* * *

><p>Finally, after Kakashi finished his explanation and the team were handed their mission vouchers, Naruto grinned, holding up the check. "It's finally over and done with! Ichiraku's, here I come!" He exclaimed in a sing-song voice, heading for the door- Only to be stopped dead in his tracks as it slid open before he could reach it, revealing a regal-looking man standing there. He had long, flowing black hair, and a stony expression on his face, but it was his eyes that Naruto noticed- They were cold and expressionless- and devoid of any pupils, just like Hinata-chan's were. "Ummm... Hi." Naruto greeted awkwardly, bowing his head slightly.<p>

The man just looked at Naruto, studying him for a moment. "You are... Naruto Uzumaki, correct?" He asked, his voice flat.

Naruto blinked, just as confused as his teammates and sensei, while Sarutobi groaned in the background. "Uh, do I know you?" He asked.

The man's eyebrows furrowed, and Naruto knew he finally found what was causing his Impending Feeling of Doom(tm).

* * *

><p>Hinata's eyes narrowed as she glared at one of her rivals- the despicable Hana the Homewrecker. "Hi havte ooh." she stated, her voice muffled.<p>

This earned the Hyuuga princess a dour look from the older chunin. "Blow it out your ear." She replied shortly from her side of the room.

From her seat, Ayame sighed. "Be nice you two." She scolded, not looking up from her knitting, knowing that neither girl could get at one another- as both of them were bed-ridden, Hinata in a full-body cast and Hana faring only a little better, the two of them being forced to share the same room by order of the Hokage.

Both girls glared at the ramen waitress, who only had a small bandage on one cheek and insisted on visiting them every day. Before Hana could say anything though, a loud boom was heard from the direction of the Hokage's tower, causing all three girls to whip their heads around (or, in Hinata's case, turn her gaze to-) The bay window that gave them a view of Konoha and the tower, where a large plume of smoke was issuing from where the missions office was. "What the hell is going on?" Hana gasped.

"I don't know, but I hope everyone is ok." Ayame replied, worried.

* * *

><p>From the smoke erupted Naruto, flipping through the air a few times before finally landing on an adjacent roof. "What the hell is that guy's problem?" He demanded of no one in particular, wide-eyed as he stood in a loose, defensive stance, prepared to flee.<p>

Without warning, the man, Hiashi Hyuuga, burst from the smoke as well, eyes blazing as he landed a few feet from Naruto. "Naruto Uzumaki, prepare to die!" He roared, thrusting two fingers, alight with chakra, at the teen.

"Kiyah!" Naruto screamed shrilly, clapping his hands together faster than he knew he could move them, catching Hiashi's pokey fingers of death between the flats of his palms, stopping the attack and causing the man to blink. "Did... Did you just stop my Jyuuken with a sword-catching technique?" Hiashi asked.

"Eh-heh-heh, I wasn't expecting it to actually work!" Naruto replied with a nervous chuckle, both combatants sweat-dropping. "Now then, why are you attacking me again?"

Hiashi's gaze hardened. "Because you defiled my daughter, you little bastard!" He yelled, pulling his fingers back and then thrusting forward with his other hand, said little bastard just barely managing to dodge the strike.

Naruto blinked in surprise, jumping back. "Whoa, so you are Hinata's dad? That's cool. I didn't 'defile' her though, we just-eyah!" Throwing himself down, Naruto just barely dodged Hisashi's foot as the man sailed over in a flying kick. "Will you stop that already?" He demanded from his prone position on the roof.

"Never!" Hiashi responded loudly. "I will have revenge for my defiled daughter! Now, I attack!" With that, he sprinted forward again, his fingers blazing with chakra.

"That's it, I've had ENOUGH!" Naruto growled, getting up as he preformed a familiar hand seal. "Sexy Technique!" Yelling out his attack, Naruto was suddenly enveloped in a cloud of smoke, which wisped away to reveal a voluptuous pigtailed blonde. "Hey there big boy, you wouldn't attack me, would'ja?" She asked in a breathy tone, causing Hiashi to stop dead in his tracks.

* * *

><p>"Whoa, he actually used it!" Kakashi exclaimed lightly, watching the battle below with Sakura, Sasuke, and Sarutobi. "The technique that can beat any straight man!"<p>

"Indeed." Murmured Sarutobi, puffing on his pipe thoughtfully, a small trickle of blood leaking from his nose.

Sakura, for her part, had murder in her eyes. "Why I oughta... CHA!" She growled, Shaking her fists in the air.

Sasuke, for his part, was studying a nearby wall, a light blush across his face. "Perky..." He mumbled.

* * *

><p>Down below, Naruto gave a mental smirk. <em>"I did it! Now, to finish him off."<em> He thought victoriously, watching a deep crimson blush spread across Hiashi's face as the man took another step forward. "Harem technique." He murmured, and suddenly, there were ten more blonde bombshells surrounding the family head. "Well, Hiashi-kun? You really wouldn't hurt us now, would you?" One of them purred as they started rubbing up against the man, who was standing as stiff as a board.

"I-" Hiashi started. "I-" A large drop of blood began to form in each of his nostrils. "I-" Everyone leaned forward to see what would happen, and 'Naruko' grinned. "I-I-I... I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO SUCH FILTH!" Stomping, Hiashi threw his head back and, with an almighty snort, sucked the blood back in, much to everyone's shock.

"WHAT?" Naruto yelled in surprise as he and the clones let the sexy jutsu fall, turning them back to normal, still surrounding Hiashi. "Why didn't it work?"

"BECAUSE I'M AN ANGRY DADDY!" Hiashi yelled back, twisting around to poke a Naruto in the gut.

"Guh!" The clone gasped, wincing as he stepped back, holding his stomach... And then his eyes went wide. "Cuh-careful guys... Huh-he... Has the power to make you poop yourself!" With that, the clone disappeared, leaving behind only wisps of smoke... and a raunchy smell.

"Oh dear lord..." Naruto gasped, he and the clones going white as Hiashi advanced menacingly.

* * *

><p>Up from their vantage point, Sakura blinked. "The Hyuuga... Have the power to make opponents mess their pants?" She asked her sensei, arching an eyebrow.<p>

Kakashi stared down at the battlefield. "Hmmm... Apparently so." He replied, sweat-dropping as he tried to remember every time he angered a Hyuuga- With that kind of power, he'd have to be more wary... Not knowing that right next to him, both the Hokage and Sasuke were thinking the exact same thing.

* * *

><p>Down below, Naruto dropped to the street as his clones mobbed the angry man, hoping to put as much distance as possible...<p>

But it wasn't meant to be, as Hiashi was hot behind him not even three seconds later, sprinting like a marathon runner with his robes flapping in the breeze. "COME BACK HERE!" Hiashi roared, chasing Naruto down the road- catching up to him in front of a dango shop- reaching for the retreating blonde locks-

-And closed his hand on nothing. "What?" Hiashi gasped, skidding to a halt as he blinked in confusion, looking around for Naruto.

"Hoochie-Mama!" Hearing the loud cry, followed by a perverse giggle, Hiashi looked over towards the dango stand-

-Only to see Naruto, his face pressed deeply into the cleavage of none other than Anko Mitarashi, the infamous snake mistress of Konohakagure. "Oh sweet melons of perfection, where have you been all my life?" He cried out rapturously, gently fondling the beautiful balloons. "Excellent weight and size, not to firm, but not too soft either- They. Are. Exquisite!" Naruto sighed, his eyes shining with pure bliss.

Anko, for her part, looked down, a bemused expression on her face, with a dango stick in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. "Okay..." She drawled, her eyes narrowing. "This is officially the weirdest fucking day of my life." She said, looking up at Hiashi. "Hey Hiashi-san, what's with the pervy little flea here?" She asked nonchalantly. "Hey! Not too rough!" She snapped, bopping Naruto on the head with an elbow when he pinched one of her nipples a little too hard.

"Uh-ugh-urh-" Hiashi stumbled incoherently, unable to wrap his brain around the sheer audacity that he was witnessing.

Anko smiled. "I thought so." She said sweetly, putting the dango into her mouth, thoughtfully chewing on the treats after she pulled the stick out from between her lips, seemingly oblivious to the genin who was copping a generous feel-

-And then she stabbed the dango stick into the side of Naruto's head.

"OHGODTHATHURTS! WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Naruto screamed shrilly, stumbling away with the stick sticking out of the side of his head, blood squirting out from around it. With a heave, and more than a few girlish screams, he managed to pull the offending protrusion out, followed by more squirting blood. "You psycho bitch, what in the hell did you do that for?" He whined.

Anko smirked evilly, pain promised in her eyes. "Because you just grabbed my titties kid, and NO ONE does that without my permission. Now I've gotta hurt ya." With that, she pulled a kunai. "Please..." She purred sadistically. "...Try to make this fun for me, ok?" She licked the blade she was holding.

Naruto blinked, looking at the kunai... And the next thing anyone knew, he was gone. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!" Was the scream following his wake, along with a rather sizable cloud of dust.

Anko was honestly surprised. "Well, looks like this might be an interesting chase after all." She mused, watching the kid haul ass. "Wait for me sweetie!" She tittered, taking off after the fleeing teen.

Hiashi, left standing there, shook his head, having finally processed the information. "WAIT! I STILL HAVE TO GET MY REVENGE!" He roared, taking off after the duo.

* * *

><p>Hours later, Naruto, who was still on the run, was holed up behind a fence, taking a few precious moments to catch his breath. <em>"Good lord! I haven't ever had anyone chase me this long before- Not even the ANBU!"<em> He thought, gasping quietly. _"Between that crazy snake lady's snakes, and Hinata's dad's super pervy x-ray eyes, they keep finding me! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up..." _Even as Naruto thought this, a large boa constrictor silently lowered behind him, it's tongue flicking out to taste the air. Stealthily, the deadly constrictor moved towards it's prey, intending to capture the orange-clad one for it's mistress.

"HIYAH!" Without missing a beat, Naruto whirled around, karate-chopping the snake on the top of it's head, causing the summon to disappear in a poof of smoke. "Take that you crazy snake lady!" He exclaimed, grinning boastfully.

"I'd rather take you... Down to my corner of the interrogation department that is." The voice, dark and seductive, caused Naruto to freeze, the blood draining from his face. Turning woodenly around, Naruto came face to face with Anko and Hiashi, who were standing on the fence. "Hey brat." Anko grinned, looking every bit the predator.

"Huh-hi..." Naruto stammered with a sickly smile, woodenly raising one hand to wave at the duo while he sweated.

"This time-" Hiashi started, activating his Byakugan as he lowered into a stance. "-You will not escape!" With that, he launched himself at the teen, intent on giving him the poking of his life.

"Oh shit!" Naruto cursed, acting on instinct as he blurred into motion as well, fleeing from the enraged man while spamming his signature kage bushin, flooding the area with orange-clad fodder that dog-piled Hiashi as he made his escape. "Quit tryin' ta poke me you weirdo!" He yelled over his shoulder as he rounded a corner.

"Oh no you don't! You ain't gettin' away that easy!" Anko yelled, taking to the roofs in pursuit of the teen, ignoring Hiashi, who was buried under a mountain of dog-piling clones.

"RAHHH! KAITEN!" Came the muffled roar from under the clone hill as they were all suddenly thrown away in every direction, disappearing in poofs of smoke as Hiashi appeared from underneath, spinning inside a dome of chakra. Stopping, Hiashi scanned the surrounding area for a moment before finally spotting Naruto and Anko. "REVENGE!" He roared, taking after the duo, sprinting for all he was worth.

* * *

><p>Naruto was running for his life, when all of a sudden his ninja spidey senses kicked in. Cursing, he flipped away, just barely dodging several snakes which embedded their fangs into the packed dirt of the street. "I've gotta say-" Anko started as she landed, retracting her hidden snake hands technique. "-being able to avoid an advanced capture technique like that is impressive. I'm gonna enjoy hearing you scream." Pulling a kunai, she tensed, preparing to pounce on the teen.<p>

Straightening up, Naruto grinned cockily as he cracked his knuckles. "Man, you really know how to turn a guy on, don'tcha? But it looks like you are done playin', so I'm gonna have to get serious!" With that, he crouched slightly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Anko smirked. "Ballsy kid, but you don't stand a chance!" With that, the two combatants blurred forward in a flurry of movement, their strikes nothing more than flashes, and then they were standing on opposite sides, with their backs to one another. "Huh... What?" Anko gasped, looking down at her kunai, which only had a small drop of blood dangling from the tip...

...And then she felt a breeze.

Her eyes widening, Anko whipped around, making sure to use her hands to hold down her skirt as she did so. "What in the hell did you do brat?" she demanded shrilly.

"Wah-hah-hah! Looks like I won that one!" Naruto chortled, brushing a shallow cut on his cheek with one thumb... And held up Anko's panties in his other hand. "Oohhh, lavender silk, very sexy." He complimented over his shoulder with a roguish grin and a wink.

Anko's jaw dropped. "How the fuck is that even possible? I didn't even notice anything!" She demanded hotly, feeling her cheeks flush.

Naruto laughed. "What can I say? I've got a feather touch." He replied, twirling the panties around on one finger. "Now then... Sayonara!" Without warning, Naruto took off down the street again, cackling like a madman as he pulled the panties over the top of his head.

"You little shit! COME BACK HERE!" Anko roared, taking off after the panty-thief.

Hiashi rounded a corner just in time to see Anko kicking up her legs in pursuit- and promptly crashed into a telephone poll upon such a sight.

* * *

><p>"<em>Heh, my plan is working!" <em>Thought Naruto with a mental chuckle as he continued to run. For the past few moments, he'd been steadily increasing the lead he had over Anko in their little game of 'ninja tag'- Anko was letting him get to her in her anger, but damn if she didn't get close with those kunai that she kept throwing! "It looks like my stealing your panties... Has really made you sloppy!" Naruto yelled out tauntingly, said undergarments still sitting snugly on his head.

Ducking around a corner, Naruto was just barely able to dodge Anko's retort, which was in the form of another hidden snake hands, looking over his shoulder for his pursuer- and thusly never had a chance at seeing the forearm that shot out, clotheslining him. Gasping as he slammed onto his back, Naruto winced in pain as he looked up to see his assailant, only to see none other than Tsume. "Ok brat, you ARE in trouble for what happened, but out of curiosity, what are you running from this time? The Inuzuka matriarch asked archly, arms crossed as she stepped out from the shadow of a building, crossing her arms over her chest.

Before Naruto could answer, Anko rounded the corner, her eyes lighting up with a hellish glee. "Oh-ho-ho! What have we here? Did you catch this little bastard Tsume-san?" She asked, walking up.

Tsume glanced up at Anko, then back down to the panties that adorned Naruto's head. "Ah." She grunted, putting two and two together. "Well brat, I was just gonna give you an ass-whuppin' for what happened with-"

"REVENGE!" Tsume was suddenly interrupted as Hiashi came bursting through a wall, his byakugan flashing, only to catch sight of Tsume and Anko standing over a prone Naruto, all three of them blinking at his entrance. "Uh-HUH!" Hiashi cleared his throat rather loudly, making sure to dust himself off. "Well, it seems that the two of you have caught the culprit. Good job Tsume-san, Special Jonin Mitarashi." He said, his voice calm and collected as he tried to put on a regal air. "Now that we have him, what shall we do with him?"

Anko grinned evilly at the question. "Well, I've got a few ideas..." She trailed off, chuckling darkly as a kunai seemed to magically find it's way into her hand as Naruto's eyes grew as wide as saucers.

Tsume snorted. "Now now, we can't go that far." She scolded lightly, getting an inaudible sigh of relief from Naruto. "No... But I think we can each take turns blistering his trouble-making ass while we figure out a good compromise." She suggested, causing Naruto's face to fall.

Hiashi nodded. "I'm fine with that."

Anko grinned, reaching down to grab one of Naruto's ankles while Tsume grabbed the other. "This's gunna be fun!" She laughed as the started dragging Naruto towards the Inuzuka compound, Hiashi following behind.

"Somebody... HEEELLLP!" Naruto yelled, weeping pathetically as he was dragged along.

* * *

><p>A few hours later found Naruto in Kiba's room, a pack of ice on his sore ass from where he'd been thrashed repeatedly. "So Naruto, I guess you can say... That you really took a pounding?" Kiba asked from where he was sitting on his bed, sniggering.<p>

Naruto's only response was to groan weakly and give Kiba the bird.

This of course only caused the feral teen to start laughing harder. "You cuh-could say... Yuh-you really got a rod taken to your ass!" He managed to gasp out while laughing.

"Fuck you Kiba..." Naruto groaned into his pillow, his ass smarting.

* * *

><p>In his personal office in the tower, Sarutobi sat, looking over the missives from the other kages, as well as some of the leaders of smaller villages. "So, it's almost time..." He murmured, his eyes passing over the various dossiers, lighting briefly on one of the Suna teams- apparently all three were children of the Kazekage, resting on the picture of a red-headed, teal-eyed boy. "The chunin exams... Are about to begin."<p>

**-End-**

A/N– So here it FINALLY is! The next chapter in my story, the interlude between the wave arc and the chunin arc. What did you think? Was it good? Was it bad? Did you just not care? Sorry it took me so long, but don't worry, I'm not gonna offer any excuses- part of it really was just me trying to come up with a half-decent chapter here.

Anyway, I'm already working on the next chapter, and it is going to come out soon, but here's the deal- you guys hit me up with a minimum 60 reviews over the next few days, and I can promise that the chapter will be out in the next 1-2 weeks, rather than 1-2 months. I still ain't begging- I'm just preforming an experiment.


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